I (36M, gay) have always had a difficult time with relationships. I suppose I’ve always been a romantic; what I mean by this is that I’ve always seemed to want at least a bit more than what was available to me. When I met my first boyfriend at 17, I was over the moon. He dumped me the day after I slept with him for the first time. Since then, I’ve had a hard time ‘going all the way’ with anyone. I don’t know how to do it casually, and I can’t help the feeling now that no matter what I do, I am actually unattractive and stained with a kind of ‘loserness’. I feel like people can see it on me. I’m told mind over matter, but really, I just feel like I’m kidding myself.
I’ve had the odd relationship here and there, but this problem remains. More often than not, I’m told that they would love to be friends with me, but they’re just not attracted to me (sometimes anymore).
During the pandemic, I met someone who was living nearby, also gay, markedly younger (mid 20’s). We were a similar, markedly shitty place in life. We began hanging out, hooking up. We never went all the way because I struggle with this. We became very close, and two years later, against all sense, became roommates. Around the six month mark, he prevailed upon me to bottom for him. I spent the two hours preparing, and it seemed surprisingly pleasant. I thought things had gone really well. I mean, he made uninterrupted eye contact with me the whole time, and when we went for a walk afterwards, he took a commemorative photo. I came out of it feeling like maybe the curse was broken, so to speak. A week later he told me first that his attraction to me was ‘waning but he thought it was temporary’ which evolved to an honest ‘he wasn’t attracted to me anymore’. He told me that while we had sex, he had been thinking ‘I wish I was enjoying this more.’
We aren’t living together any more, but since then I feel so gross. No matter how much work I put into self care, I still feel so unattractive and worthless. I hear ‘I wish I was enjoying this more’ ringing in my head over and over whenever I even try to put myself out there again. A guy with the same name as this guy recently friendzoned me with almost the same wording and now I just feel so worthless. I’m so lonely and I know no one is ever going to want me like this, but a solitary life of self care and indignant dignity doesn’t seem like a life worth living. I need sex. I need love. I feel like I’m watching everyone around me gorge themselves on both so effortlessly and it makes me feel so sad. I’m starting to feel like this can’t be fixed because every time it happens it’s like a buildup from every other time it’s happened. I’m starting to feel like I’m now too old to correct the issue and too fucked up to ever be with anyone anyway. The people in my life mostly have platitudes to offer, and they mean well, but they don’t get it. They’re all either with someone or able to have a hookup where they aren’t then categorically passed on after. Can anyone help me?
tl;dr keep getting friendzoned right after sex and now I feel worthless. How do I come back from this?
11 comments
“It’s important to remember that you are still a valuable person and to stay focused on the positive aspects of yourself. A counsellor or therapist may be able to help you work through your issues and help you to start feeling better about yourself again.”
I am so sorry this happened to you. People are just really shitty and I doubt it’s you on anything you’re doing though I know it feels that way. Keep pushing through and you’ll come out the other side eventually.
It strikes me that because of that first bad experience, you’re putting out a friend vibe by leaving sex on the back burner. When sex is possibly finally introduced, it may be that you still don’t have that romantic/sexual vibe with your dating partner.
I’ve actually known people like this – they come off as everyone’s buddy. While it’s difficult to identify online (obviously), that’s what I’m guessing is happening here.
What if you gave yourself permission to have casual (safe) sex for 2 months? Don’t look for anything long term, just date or hookup. This might help you identify the vibe you’re missing, teach you about what flirting feels like, and you might break some of this anxiety down.
Alternatively, or in addition, therapy might be in order here. This experience from almost 20 years ago haunts you to this day.
Sadly this kind of thing does happen to the best of us. It’s not you, people are just awful sometimes.
If you’re not already getting some therapy about this, I think it’s a good idea. Maybe it’s your vibe, maybe guys can sense the heightened pressure on each new relationship, maybe you have a habit of picking guys who aren’t good for you, or maybe it’s all unfortunate circumstance and you’ve gotten in your head about it. You’re downplaying the relationships you’ve had, but if you’ve had “the odd relationship here and there”, congrats, you’re attractive and people want to be with you! It’s worth talking to a professional to dig into that feeling of being stained and unworthy so you can bring your best self to your next relationship.
I don’t think you being friendzoned is on you, as much as it is the issues you are having. Speaking from the perspective of someone who suffered from really bad self-esteem for a long period in my life, it took a long time before I realised how it impacted my relationships (romantic and otherwise).
It might be worth for you to go to therapy to explore your self-esteem issues. You describe yourself as someone who is “too old to correct the issue” and “too fucked up to ever be with anyone”, that is not the words of someone who is just defeated, but someone with a very negative view of themselves and what they contribute to a relationship or a partner. I don’t think this issue is as much an issue to do with your interrelationships, as much as it has to do with yourself, how you see yourself, and how you feel about yourself.
I wish I had good advice. But all I have to say is that you’re not alone. 🙁 therapy and yoga helps me, but I think a lot of relationships are just dumb luck.
Casual hookups aren’t everything people claim they are. Especially when you have no idea what drives someone toward that choice.
I’m not shaming anyone, there is nothing wrong with being empowered, but many people are driven to casual encounters due to loneliness, attachment issues, self esteem issues, intimacy issues, or people pleasing.
As others have said, it’s hard to know why this has happened but i would definitely recommend therapy. You don’t have to give up simply because it’s the easier option.
If you’re so determined to find love, then find it by understating yourself first and the rest will follow.
It sounds like you haven’t met the right person. You can’t make people feel what they don’t feel. There is no such thing as a “friend-zone”. You have to date someone for them to view you in that way. You need boundaries with your friends. Only have sexual relationships with those you want romantic relationships with or accept that it’s just a hookup. You deserve to be with someone who is over the moon for you and you should accept nothing less. Start out on the right foot romantically and be clear with what you want.
Don’t be gay. Seriously. I’m not a homophobe. You weren’t meant to be gay so naturally you’re going to run into some problems because you’re doing the romantic relationship and sex thing wrong.
Being an autist, I could relate with your situation, to a certain extent. The best advise I could offer you is to control your emotions before it consume you. Detach your emotions from lust.
Personally, I have a few friends whom I love dearly for who they are as a person, as we trade banters, jokes, share our dreams and hopes for the future. It helps with my loneliness and I feel loved. Surprisingly, the majority of them are ladies. If you simply need friendship, I’d suggest you to try your luck with the ladies as they are excellent listeners and more empathic by nature compared to men.
My problem is actually quite the opposite of you. My male friends have had problem seeing me as ‘friend’. It appears that while women prefer to engage in gossip, drama and matters related to emotions, men are simply wired to think about sex more often.
Some of my ‘nicest’ male friends still want to talk about sex from time to time. They cited how they feel comfortable around me as we banter back and forth etc., then their comfort zone slowly evolve to include me in some of their sexual fantasies. Based on what you wrote, I suppose it is quite similar with your situation?
Some of the men would get hostile when denied sex. I’m not sure if you are ever in such situation, but I suppose you do feel anger and resentment when denied sex hence the post.
Here’s the thing. Separate your emotions from lust. Build yourself up as a person. Your self-worth doesn’t depend on other’s seal of approval. Heck, I have a male friend who doesn’t even have much time for ladies as he is busy with career, gym, he even joined SAR operation in Turkiye’s recent quake. You seem to be empathic by nature; helping people can really help to heal your soul.
And lastly, be thankful with what you have. I know this is the hardest as you watch everyone else being happier as they effortlessly have things you could only dream of. How is this fair? But learn to accept instead of complaining. Look at people who are below you, not above you then you’ll be thankful. Make do with what you have and move forward. You are a strong person!
Everytime you started to down-talk yourself or remember those stupid mantras, remember, an idle’s mind a devil’s workshop. Find something to distract yourself. Engage in hobby, video games or research our purpose of existence… anything!
I struggle everyday with my autism, even to just speak coherently while coming up with appropriate facial expression where others can do effortlessly. But despite my disability I refuse to give up. Still I speak even if they made fun of me, even if they don’t understand what I’m saying verbally, I’ll find a thousand other ways to convey what needs to be conveyed.