What is your funniest, most awkward sex Toy Story?

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1. I was the assistant dj and a dancer at a swinger/fetish club for a while where part of my job was handling the sex toy library: checking out toys and scheduling time for specific equipment or spaces. I often found it super strange to have sexually naked people casually chatting with me about their sex toy use and preferences (or making advances about their proposed uses), but it was just part of the job.

2. My funniest story is when my boyfriend of the time bought me a Fun Factory dildo online. It ended up to be fairly large (for me) and bright blue. I immediately dubbed it Dr. Manhattan from the comic/movie Watchmen. The nickname stuck and he found it comical to ask me in public if I needed some time with Doc.

   Most awkward was when I was visiting my parents and a toy started vibrating for no reason and fell behind my bed. Unfortunately there was a ton of crap stored underneath so I was trying to reach it without moving the bed. It was making such a racket! My dad wandered in and asked what the noise was and I tried to say it was my phone. I’m a terrible liar. He finally left when I told him that I didn’t need help, thanks, what’s for dinner?

3. Fourth of July party at our house, we have a built in pool and a hot tub so it’s pretty ideal for summer parties. Around 50 people are here and we’re pretty much all in swim wear. I thought it would be fun to tease my now husband and wear a butt plug and he would just have to know it. An all day tease to get him revved up for later. I’m in the kitchen making a pitcher of sangria talking to my brother in law while he was cutting the fruit. I get allergies pretty bad. Like sudden sneeze attacks out of nowhere. Guess who sneezed a buttplug out of her ass onto our hardwood floors in front of her husbands brother? My soul left my body.

4. I once ordered a sex toy from Amazon when I still lived with my parents. It arrived on my dad’s birthday, so my mom assumed it was a present for my dad, and had put it on the pile for him. Luckily I spotted it, and took it away before he opened it. I told her it was a replacement for my razor when she asked.

   The second one more funny, during sex I pulled out one of my toys that actually was a back massager. My husband stopped during sex, and asked “you are using a back massager as a vibrator”
   I said “no one uses a back massager as a back massager. Look at it and tell me it’s not supposed to be used to orgasm with.” He said “some people use them as back massagers” I said “Can we finish sex first then discuss this” then we went back to having sex.

5. I’ve been a professional sex toy reviewer for 11 years so I have… way too many of these, lol.

   The TSA always seems pretty flummoxed by toys made of unusual materials, like stainless steel, ceramic, or crystal (e.g. rose quartz), as well as kink toys (like electrostimulation wands or impact play toys). I usually just try to calmly explain that it’s for sex and sometimes they make me give a more detailed explanation, which is always awkward.

6. So I actually make and sell sex toys, which means there’s a fair amount of dildos around the house. One time right after I moved to a new place, there was some work to be finished by a carpenter, he was supposed to only access the stairs but at some point he heads to my study room, turns out he needed to add some wood railing to a door/window. Aaand of course I had like 20 dildos on the table in the study prepared for a photoshoot. I blushed, he didn’t comment on it at all, did his thing and left in a hurry. A year later something similar happened with a guy who came in for some repairs, and he unexpectedly went to the bathroom where I had a batch ready for washing.

7. I got drunk and ordered an obscene number of butt plugs. Like not even porn stars need this many. Well the package got delivered to my neighbor’s house who opened it thinking it was theirs. Instead of just leaving it on my door step, he knocked on my door to hand it to me and tell me I made his day. I stare at my feet every time I pass him outside now.