I’m a 33M with two daughters under 4. My partner and I (29F) are content in our partnership but are not romantically involved. We stayed together after the first for her sake, and have continued down this path, for the same reasons. We are kind, respectful and supportive of one another, but we are not into each other romantically. We do not sleep together (literally bar conception of our two children, prior to our first it was a different story), we don’t flirt. But she is a good mother and I am a good father, we fulfil our individual roles to our children, to our home and to each other well, just without intimacy of any kind.
Before I continue down this path, are there any out there that have done this, are well down the line and have thoughts/advice about what life’s like? Have you come to terms with your decision? Or do you regret it? Conversely, are there any out there that stepped off this path at any point, and what are your thoughts on that decision in hindsight?
I love being a dad, I love my daughters. The only aspect I’m not content with in my life is that gap of romance/intimacy. Is that something you can put up with long term for the sake of stability and a “family unit”?
18 comments
My 2 questions for you is, how did you both get this far, and why are you both not romantically involved with each other anymore?
Think very carefully about the relationship modeling you and your partner are showing your children. How will they know what healthy intimacy looks like if their parents aren’t romantically involved?
I was in that sort of marriage. I stuck around for 10years for the kids. Despite the abuse I was getting from the ex I couldn’t leave as I thought it best for the kids. Unfortunately it created a toxic environment. I eventually left but went about it completely the wrong way….that’s another story.
My kids were happier though for the more settled environment they were living in.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
It’s easy to prioritize your role as a father as THE role in your life.
When both the kids are 18 and older, and on their own, what would you want your life to look like after that?
Why not formally break up and co-parent? Seek out new relationships, and move on. It’s not damaging to kids unless other factors are at play, like neglect and abuse, which is more common in dysfunctional relationships.
Would you want one of your kids to end up in this situation? You have to remember they are likely to copy the behavior you model.
I’m saying this as a product of people who “stayed together for the kids” and in my experience, it was an excuse to remain codependent. My parents weren’t as concerned with my brother and me as they claimed. It was more about the pride of being a proper Christian family. 0/10 would not recommend it.
Why not have a separate relationship too?
I saw you’re looking for the child’s perspective in this scenario. I was a child with unhappily married parents. I wish they would’ve gotten divorced way sooner, they would’ve been happier people and better parents
I’m writing to acknowledge how respectful the conversations have been on this thread by all parties. OP personally responding to each comment (that is also marked by kindness and compassion) is highly impressive. Why can’t it always be like this on Reddit and in real life y’all? OP, you found your answers in this sub. I wish you peace and happiness in your life. You deserve it!
If you want your children to have more then you do now you have to show them the way. Happy healthy fulfilled people are far more likely if they have happy healthy fulfilled parents as examples. Your children deserve more and so do you and your wife.
Tldr. I am absolutely miserable in my marriage. But to lazy, poor and got a kid to divorce. So in it till I die.
Definetly divorce ans co parent. See other people but make sure kids understand and both should be equally present in their lives.
You won’t say it because you sound like you respect her a lot but the truth is she used you to conceive kids. Your usefulness became null and void once she fulfilled that goal. You are still too young to be in a marriage where your needs aren’t being met. She may be nice and good but she not good *for you*.
Co-parent as separate entities. It works if you work at it. You aren’t responsible for her life any more than she’s responsible for yours. Stop taking crumbs and require more for yourself in this life. One thing you may not realize is that the unhappier we are, the more we grin and bear it….the more chances of those emotions manifesting themselves in other vital areas of our lives. Could be mental health decline, gambling, addiction, abuse, cheating….basically all the self destructive behaviours that could be avoided. Good luck
I wouldn’t do that. Just divorce your wife and let the two of you show them kids how you can be a good parent AND have a fulfilling relationship with someone you want to fuck. Both of you.
I think the biggest lesson we teach our kids is how to have a relationship with another adult human. Those relationships have a lot of facets, but they’re built on the passion that two people have for each other. They’re not built on “children” any more than their built on having a hobby in common or chores around the house or financial codependence.
I wouldn’t say I stayed “for the kids” but I would say they were a big factor. Five years ago my wife tried to push an open marriage on me and then cheated when I put my foot down against it. We had been together many years before that and nothing like that had ever happened before. Between the foundation of our relationship, the kids, and the fact that it seemed like a crisis rather than a regular pattern of behavior, and the fact that she was extremely remorseful and went to both marital and individual counseling, I decided to give things another chance. But I definitely feel different than before. And I’m a lot more sensitive to bullshit I used to put up with before the affair that I am less liable to put up with now.
I’m actually going through a tough moment with her right now, probably the worst since we fixed things. Hence I’m here.
Seeing how much better my kids do when things are stable in our house, I would say that staying for the kids makes sense *if* you can manage a healthy relationship. But if you can’t, you’re not doing them any favors. They key factor in my mind is whether both people are still willing to work on the relationship. I’m trying to figure out right now if we both still are. I hope so.
Dude I know I shouldn’t ask but have you tried legal separation ?
> The only aspect I’m not content with in my life is that gap of romance/intimacy. Is that something you can put up with long term for the sake of stability and a “family unit”?
I think you miss one option, which is to try and cultivate romance/intimacy. Hugs, pats on the back, snuggling, back rubbing, massage, or other non sexual touch can go long way. Small compliment, kind words, letting her know you actually care about her, that you’re grateful that she stayed and didn’t divorce you and fight for custody, that you think you work well together, the positive stuff about her you think, but don’t voice.
Women are kinda getting fucked by biology with pregnancy and all the associated changes. My mom compared it to post nut clarity, combined with bad trip when high. I’d try to look at this from her perspective. She has a huge desire for kids, finds a good guy, gets pregnant, suddenly hormones go whack, she finds out she may have done something stupid, ends up with guy she doesn’t necessarily love, has kid with him and feels like she’s ruining his life, because she changed and can’t give you what she used to, but she still wants the best for the kids. Also pregnancy changed her body so she may no longer feel attractive. To sum it up, she feels alone, guilty, unattractive and overwhelmed. Oh and since you don’t love her, you can divorce her any time.
Did it go this way? Maybe, maybe not, the point is neither of us really knows. What I can tell you for sure though is that caring about kids is not enough to have lasting marriage. You’ll grow to resent each other and probably end up miserable. Yes, it’ll affect your kids too, they can sense when something is wrong between parents, even when they’re few years old. Showing care and appreciation helps mitigate that. I can also tell you that since I started “forcing” my parents to start hugging, kissing, letting each other know they care, they became much happier.
**Lastly, I think it’s important to note this is just one of the many paths you can choose, I don’t mean to tell you what to do, I just want to give you some food for thought.**
If you decide to do this, try to go slowly and don’t push for sex. It’d suck if she thought you’re doing this to get laid.
I’m in a similar boat. 12 year old twin girls and can tell they’re starting to notice the strain. At least they’re making it more apparent they’re noticing. Literally scared AF as to what my wife would do if I proposed the big D but truly believe it maybe better for all of us. I come from a divorced family ( i was 9 when my folks split) so know that it’s tough on the kids. But at what point is showing them a toxic relationship daily worse than the divorce? I wanted a divorce before we had kids and to this day believe she somewhat manipulated me into the pregnancy. Don’t take me wrong i love my girls with all that I am and wouldn’t change having them at all. Just completely stuck on what to do.
Women are never single. They always get attention from someone. It is ridiculous easy for women to get into sexual relation. By average women cheats more and they move on from relation faster. Because they can. It is super easy for them. My cousin is 40th year old ugly over weight lady. She gets hit on a lot and sleep with like 2 new guys every 10 days. Go figure.
Who is bread winner? Maybe she has cost free life, while banging her lover. Doesn’t need bring kids to him, doesn’t need to pay rent, and you do a lot of help with kids.
With divorce you gain more free time, cause of shared custody, more time for new girls, relations, hobbies. But maybe she can milk you for alimony or your wealth,, depends where do you live.
When it comes to kids, is not natural, a natural relation is where women is femine and she loves to make her man happy. Meanwhile man works hard to provide.
Buttom line is, you have to decide what is best for you. For you is divorce. Kids will be fine. Unless she is a breadwinner and you are able to spent more time with kids, than wait a year or two before you get better financial position