I (21m) have been going out with this girl (21f) for 2 weeks. Yesterday, we come over to my place and start getting physical and she goes: “I have to tell you that I’m kinda religious and won’t have sex until marriage”. I just told her that it’s okay and I appreciate her telling me early on. I understand that I should’ve discussed this further with her and learn more about her situation but I was so taken aback that I just needed time to process all of this. I cannot stop thinking about what I should do and it’s really consuming me.
On one hand, she’s probably the most compatible person I’ve gone out with. She’s gorgeous, funny, emotionally available and besides sex, we share so many common beliefs about a number of things. Part of me thinks that I’ll regret ending things because for all I know, she could be the one.
On the other hand, I think that intimacy is a big part of a relationship especially in this day and age where everyone is open about sexuality. I feel like I can see myself being with her long term if we’re able to do everything besides sex but maybe not if we’re limited to just making out.
I’m really lost right now and don’t know what to do. I was hoping someone could share their experience with a similar situation or provide some guidance
27 comments
I personally couldn’t do this. I would want to know if we were sexually compatible before committing to someone long term like that.
If you just started seeing her and aren’t committed, probably a good idea to sit down and think about if this is something you want.
She gets to set whatever priorities she wants in a relationship, but so do you. If having sex with your partner is an important thing to you or if marriage isn’t something you’re interested in any time soon, then it’s fine for you to say that this priority of hers makes the two of you incompatible.
It doesn’t make you the bad guy and it doesn’t make her the bad guy. It just means that you’re looking for different things in a relationship, so you’d need to have one with different people instead if with each other.
Alternatively, you could feel that the other aspects of the relationship make up for the lack of sex. That’s fine too if you’re willing to make that compromise. If you do make that compromise, however, stick to it and avoid taking opportunities to try and pressure her or push her beyond what she’s comfortable with.
She’s stated her priorities, so now you need to figure out yours and decide how to move forward from there. Neither answer is a wrong answer and it’s all dependent on you.
It’s yours decision but be aware if you agree for it, years of sexless life is ahead of you and once you will eventually get married the sex life might not be so good.
Maybe sex will be rare, maybe you won’t be sexually compatible etc.
It is kind of gamble.
You’ve got time to think about it. The relationship is still very early. Learn what she is open to.
No sex before marriage doesn’t mean no intimacy. For many, it can be a great way of getting to know each other, bonding, and learning how to be intimate with one another *without* sex.
You can also rely more on the more innocent parts of intimacy. Hand holding, forehead kisses, cuddling, etc. These things are big for women, and it’s often discussed how women feel like men don’t get intimate (makeout or cuddle) unless it’s to lead up to sex.
So, no sex can help you both learn about the nice and simple forms of intimacy that some relationships lack. Then sex can be the next step, something special you share between each other when an intimate bond is already strongly formed. So there can be benefits!
Downside…people discuss are sexual compatability issues. But people can learn. And you can find out her desires long before sex through conversation.
So….
I’d say that if she is open then this may go well for you! If she is closed off, doesn’t even want to TALK about anything sexual, then that’s more risky and it may be best to back out.
What you want to keep in mind though is “do I want to marry this woman? Spend the rest of my life with her?” Don’t get blindsided and rush into marriage thinking “this is what I need to do to get sex”. Do not propose if your only thoughts are sex.
She can have that standard and you don’t have to want to wait until marriage. It can be an incompatibility, and while unfortunate it’s not fair to either one of you to continue things if this question will be at the back of your mind. If you don’t mind waiting then continue to date.
I’ve met a girl once that was awesome – everything at least 8/10
Funny thing was that in bed we were totally incompatible🤣
No idea why
So, ask her for the parameters. What exactly does she define as sex and what is off limits?
21 is too young to get married IMO and your gf wants to wait until marriage. You are in a no win situation.
So you’re 21. You could end up having no sex for most of your 20’s if the relationship is the normal 4 or 5 years before marriage. Could be longer.
Up to you. But you shouldn’t rush into marriage just to be able to fuck your girlfriend.
Religious people sometimes have a narrow definition of pre-marital sex limited to vaginal intercourse to remain “pure”. So oral, anal, heavy petting, mutual masturbation etc could still be on the table.
I’d discuss things frankly with her and then have a hard think if you’re a good fit. Unless you’re religious and likeminded being a horny 21 yr old dating a hot girl but not being intimate sound like my personal hell tbh.
Good luck!
If no sex before marriage is not enough to make you leave, then you should ask her what else comes with her religion. For ex, do her children have to have her religion? Do you have to convert to marry her? How about dietary restrictions? Are you allowed to watch porn? etc.
The fairest thing is to decide if you are ok with it. If you are then keep dating. If you aren’t then it is beat to break up sooner rather than later so as to not waste her time or yours. Having said that it is fine to take a bit of time to make the decision especially if you feel like you guys have a real connection. However, I also often remind people that there are many fish in the sea and you will find someone that you connect with again!
I waited until marriage to have sex because of my religious beliefs. Biggest mistake of my life.
Why? I am HIGHLY sexual. And it’s turns out….he was NOT. But I was already in it at that point. I stayed over 20 years. The other biggest mistake of my life.
I’m going to tell you this. If you have religious beliefs and they are the most important to you. More important than possibly getting a divorce. More important that being miserable in your marriage, then follow them. That is your choice.
But if sex is important to you, if not getting a divorce is something you want to avoid at all cost, do not wait until marriage. You can talk about sex till you are blue in the face, but until you live it and ALOT, you WILL NOT KNOW THE TRUTH OF YOUR SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY.
Even then you won’t know the full story as people evolve and change over time. But it’s a better chance at least.
For you OP, not even being religious, it’s a huge gamble for not a lot of reason. So here’s my personal advise. If you think she is unique and you can’t find another like her, AND you are ok with divorce in the future, AND you are ok with going without in the meantime…..then keep dating her.
But if not to any of those things…..move on now.
>On one hand, she’s probably the most compatible person I’ve gone out with.
Can’t be that compatible, or you wouldn’t be making this post.
Sex is a big part of a relationship, alongside everything else that it entails. Not being compatible sexually is just as valid as not being compatible in any other way.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with celibacy. If that’s not something you’re willing to commit to with her, stop seeing her.
Intimacy and sex are not the same thing.
If it’s a big issue, see if she’s open to giving you a blow job. There are alternatives
Uh, yeah, when you find someone who waits to have sex theyre typically all those great things. Thats bc they have morals & self esteem.
Sex has nothing to do with emotional availability or lack thereof. Get the know the PERSON & sex will be better than you ever had with some rando you met a month ago. Get in board, or get out her way.
Don’t be too hung up on sex. Many men ruined their chance of having a great relationship because they’re unable to withhold sex. You should focus more on enjoying your time together and getting to know her better. Just make sure she is honest and loyal and that’s really the ground for a good relationship.
There is no such thing as “the one”! There are many people out there with whom you are compatible, they all come with different flaws and compromises, and you have to decide which ones are ok for you.
The real yellow flag with this is that you’re going to have to wait for x years to find out if you’re sexually compatible and if your actual libidos are matched.
That is a massive gamble.
All these loose men fucking around these days, make me want to wait until marriage too and I am not religious
It shouldn’t be a question for you. She has value aside from just sex.
I think you’re trying to decide something that doesn’t need to be decided right now. I would give this at least 3 months of dating before you make any decisions. Giving it at least 3 months will give you a better idea of how you feel about this girl, which is something you need to know before you decide one way or another. Two weeks isn’t enough time to know. You also haven’t said what your feelings on marriage are…. when do you see yourself being ready to be married if you find “ the one?” That also factors into your decision, & as for the sex being good, if you love each other, it will be. Sex is 90% in your head & 10% mechanics.
You haven’t said how you feel about religion, which also may be a factor . You need to know more about her religion & her expectations other than waiting for marriage to have sex. All of these things should be known before you decide to wait or end it.
Bet she’s had sex before you
She’s AWESOME! I think it’s so cool that she is waiting until marriage! That’s really rare these days
She’s already proven that she can/don’t mind going without sex .Marriage won’t change that.
Sounds like a keeper to me. That’s a woman who respects herself and her future spouse. I was tempted often in my early 20s and I can tell you that it’s a difficult path to walk in today’s world.