Hey everyone, this has been weighing on my mind like crazy recently.
For some background, my (18M) mother (43F) is a raging alcoholic and has been my entire life. She has been diagnosed with a multitude of things including but not limited to depression, bipolar, anxiety, schizophrenia, etc. She is also an compulsive liar. I grew up in unfortunate circumstances, my dad was 23 when he had me and my mom was 26, and both of them were heavy addicts. We were also dirt poor, so my dad would leave for work at 4 am and come home at 1 am just to get ready to leave for work again. Because he was never around, I obviously was in the care of my mother. Of course I do not blame my dad for leaving me with her, even to this day he apologizes because he always thought that she was a good mother since he never had the chance to be there. Until around the time I was three or four she had taken decent care of me, but then she started to go out more and more and never be home, effectively leaving me alone to fend for myself. Then as I got older and was placed into public school, our relationship switched so that instead of her taking care of me, I would take care of her. I would cook for her, clean, help her get dressed when she was too intoxicated to, bathe her, basically treating her like my own child before I even reached double digits. Throughout all of this I never held any contempt for her (or at least tried as best I could, it was difficult at times) but from a young age I understood that she had a lot of terrible traumatic events in her past that made her the way she was, so I always blamed myself for adding more stress onto her and trying my best to help make up for that by taking on as much responsibility as I could being the age I was. At age 4, my parents divorced and I was placed into my moms custody, but was soon removed from her care due to child endangerment. When I was in her custody, I bounced around from place to place living with whatever shitty boyfriend she had at the time. I even remember one time her, her boyfriend, and myself went to stay at a hotel and we had gotten there at around 1 am. They parked in the middle of this random dark public parking lot of the hotel and told me they would be “right back” as they would go up to the hotel room to get it ready or whatever lame excuse they had. I ended up sitting there alone buckled into my booster seat for almost four hours and peed myself because I was there for so long since they most likely had forgotten about me when they went up (and fucked, I presume). Then, eventually when custody was given to my dad, my mom ended up moving back in with him because she was broke and had no boyfriend to support her, and he felt too bad leaving her to basically be homeless. There had been many incidents of her getting verbally or physcially abusive with me because she was drunk and me just sitting there and taking it because I was too scared and guilty to ever defend myself (she was my own mom afterall, at least that was my thought process). My dad soon started dating a woman who is now my current step-mom and when I was 11 my dad decided to move in with her and finally get rid of my mom for good. This of course did not stop her shitty behavior. She still continued to see me because I felt too guilty refusing to see her. I was her only family in this country and she had little to no friends. (She is a hispanic woman who came here when she was around 23 alone). Because of this, I continued to put up with her abusive, shitty behavior. When I was 11 (I am transgender) I came out to her as a lesbian because I thought she would be supporitve; almost all of her friends are gay afterall. She was weird with it at first but seemed ok, then two weeks later she showed up drunk out of her mind on my doorstep and I had to sit there for hours listening to her spew her religious bullshit at me, calling me slurs, the whole nine yards. Years later when I was 16 I came out as transgender and she handled it weirdly ok. I was expecting a call or random visit of her attacking me, but nothing. The issue started when I started taking testosterone and began medically transitioning. I am a little over a year on T, and the entire time I would get calls constantly saying how I will never be her son, that I will always be her little girl, will always be \[deadname\], and that she hated me and everything about me, basically saying she was disowning me every single time she called. But still, throughout this I would CONTINUE to spend time with her out of again, pure guilt. She was struggling mentally and I knew that, so I figured putting up with her screaming at me, trying to physically fight me, and whatever else she threw at me was worth it because she was in pain. She ALWAYS lied to me, saying she had a heart attack and had to go to the hospital to get surgery, lying to me that she was transgender (basically as a fuck you to me, she kept up with the bit for a good month and later admitted she did it to show how ridiculous I was being, even though I supported her the entire time…) and just hundreds of other lies that never mattered. Lying was basically her whole personality.
This has all led up to what happened a few days ago. Once again, like I always do, I decided to hang out with her. Us hanging out usually consists of me picking her up and driving us to get dinner somewhere, and then me dropping her off as soon as I could because she was drunk out of her mind and I would get tired of her bullshit.
I told my current boyfriend (19M) who I’ll call Noah, that I was going to hang out with her, and he warned me against it because it almost always turns out bad but still respected and supported my desicion, since he understood that she is my mother and I still love her and want to see her. He has never been anything BUT supportive but I recognized why he was concerned, and it was a valid concern.
Before I left to see her, he had told me that if anything happens that I could call him and basically to keep him updated because he was worried and told me not to put up with too much of her B.S.
As I was driving there, she had texted me asking if I could come inside her apartment to help her pack. I was pretty mad because I realized she had essentially baited me into helping her. I knew she would never do that for me, so I got upset. She only calls me when she wants something from me so I wasn’t even surprised. I especially did not want to go inside because her roomate was a drug addict who had literally tried to murder her. He was being racist towards her and she had told him off because obviously she would, and he had ended up attacking her and slammed her head into the stove, punched her, tried to beat her with a meat pulvirizer, and she ran and locked herself in her room until the police came. She never pressed charges because she “felt bad.” After that, she CONTINUED to live with him and even on and off dated him.
I absolutely hate him for what he did, and I was 100% not comfortable or felt safe being inside her apartment with him there. I just texted her back asking if he was home and she said yes but he was sleeping.
I was keeping Noah updated and he was begging me not to go inside because it would be stupid to be around a violent racist just so that I could help my mom who never calls me until she needs someting from me.
I responded and told her I wasn’t comfortable going inside with him there and all she texted back was, “I know”
I was like, ok… what do you mean you know? Then don’t have me come inside? Then she sent another text that said “Me too are you going to be here soon”
I sent what my mom said to Noah and he had no clue how to even respond to that.
At this point I was already parked in front of her apartment but I was stalling for time because I didn’t know what to do.
Then she started to call me and I panicked and answered. She asked how far away I was but I kept being vague and saying “I don’t know” and that I was stuck in traffic, but I would be there soon. She then brought up the idea of instead of me coming inside and helping her, I should pick up Noah and all of us shoulf go to get dinner together (She is absolutely infatuated with him). I was so relieved to hear her say that and I asked Noah if he was okay with that because I would immediately feel 10000x better and safer with him there, even as just emotional support, lol.
I asked him and he said that it was ok and that he’ll go as long as it would keep me out of her place. I felt terrible asking him but also unbelievably relieved.
Also, when I was calling her, I heard her roomate in the background talking so I was even more relieved I didn’t go inside.
While I was waiting for her to come down, someone walked around to the drivers side of my car and it was her roomate. I rolled down my window an INCH, no more than I needed to. I have no fucking clue what he was rambling on about because he was high on something but it consisted of him saying my mom had drank a liter of Vodka and drinks one everyday and that shes upstairs trying to spit it up, and that she joined some weird church that he called a cult, saying that she said I hated him, and more weird ramblings that I don’t really remember. It was just insanely uncomfortable overall.
Eventually she got into my car and I could tell she was SO fucking drunk. Slurring her words, overly touchy, emotional, just way too fucked up.
I sped the fuck over to Noah’s place and was BEGGING him to come out faster. It took him about two minutes to get outside but that two minutes felt like two hours with her.
When he finally got into the car, she was asking him super strange questions like if he was a virgin before me, and why he chose me, then saying why would I take his virginity… Girl be fr.
Meanwhile the entire she was misgendering me and making me wildly uncomfortable.
When we finally went to sit in the restaurant (first off it was an asian restaurant and went up to the DISPLAY gong and hit it… I was so fucking embarrassed) she started crying and saying shit like she didn’t understand why I was the way I was and was muttering to herself. CONSTANTLY she kept saying “You will ALWAYS be my little girl, you will NEVER be anything but \[deadname\], I don’t care!” but obviously much more slurred and drunk. Noah was trying to explain to her that it wasn’t her choice what I did with my life. She kept repeating this exact phrase, “You can be WHATEVER the fuck you want… a unircorn, dragon… I dont FUCKING care…….. I care about YOU!” while simultaneoulsy saying I would always be her daughter.
Then she kept muttering to herself, which she always does when she’s drunk. She looked both me and Noah, and with pure fear in her eyes, she told me that she had cancer. In that moment I didn’t react because my first gut reaction is, oh! She’s lying, because she always lies about things like this (not usually that serious). Both Noah and I sat there in silence because we didn’t know what to say, but then he spoke up and asked what stage she was at. She just looked at him and he was like, “You know, stage 1, stage 2, stage 3… stage 4?” And she said stage 3. He then asked where and she pointed to her stomach/chest and just said “here.” She then said she had five months left to live, but the way she said it, you could see the absolute terror in her eyes.
I started to believe her and from that moment the rest of the world faded away. My eyes couldn’t focus on anything and the sounds around me started to sound like I was under water. Then I started to struggle to breathe, so I suddenly stood up and said I was going to the bathroom. In the back of my mind I felt guilty for leaving Noah alone with her, but I had to leave right then and there or else I was going to have a panic attack.
I locked myself in the bathroom for a good 5 minutes and just sat on the floor staring at the wall, not really thinking much. Then eventually I came back out to see my mom crying and grabbing Noah’s hands. Apparently while I was in the bathroom at first she was thanking him for being there for me, and asking for him to fix me, then she started yelling at him saying that the reason I am so fucked up and am the way I am (trans, gay, piercings, dyed hair) was because I was dating him and it’s all his fault. (I had all these things way before I ever started dating him, for context).
He was trying to calm her down but when I sat down she grabbed my hands again and was talking to me drunkenly saying things like “Come with me” over and over again, and that “\[I\] don’t have to be afraid, \[I\] can do it” which was in reference to her dying and me coming with her. I was scared and didn’t know what to do but I was staring off into the distance because I wasn’t all the way there. She then started to yell, telling my boyfriend to “Wake her the fuck up! She’s sleeping!” (once again misgendering me). He was correcting her by saying I wasn’t a girl and that she can’t change who I am. Then she started chanting the “you can do it, come with me” again and was squeezing my hands so hard that I felt they were going to break, and she was hurting me.
It was at this point Noah really stepped in and was telling her to calm down because he saw how freaked out I got and he realized I was probably seconds from going into fight or flight.
Suddenly it was like a switch flipped in her head, because she switched her attention to Noah now, SCREAMING. (This is a very quiet restaurant by the way) She was screaming at the top of her lungs at him, “I FUCKING HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! I COULD FUCKING KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!” She then reached for the glass cup and grabbed it, and started gesturing at him like she was going to smash him over the head with it. When she was about to hit him with the glass cup was when I snapped out of it and intervened, yelling at her to calm down and trying to deesculate the situation.
She moved on to once again screaming at the top of her lungs saying to Noah, “GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SIGHT! I HATE YOU! I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU! GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”
So all I did was stand up, look at her and yelled “Can you get an uber” until she eventually answered yes, and so I grabbed Noah’s arm and walked out of there.
I was scared that she was going to follow us (we didn’t order any food, just a drink) so I kept turning around but she didn’t. As we got out of her sight I immediately was shaking and Noah had to help me walk to the car because I was so in shock and I made him drive. After a few minutes I calmed down and we started to talk about it. I asked him if he thought she was lying, because he is the #1 skeptic when it comes to whatever she tells me, but this time he said that even though he didn’t want to believe it, he thought she was telling the truth. It’s usually very obvious when she lies, she bounces back and forth, stutters, doesn’t make eye contact, and there are discrepencies in the story. But this time, she looked us in the eyes and told us straight up, and her story even lined up with what happened a few months ago. (A few months ago, my mom called me while Noah and I were hanging out and told me she was hearing voices and that she was going to kill herself, so we drove her around to calm to her down and the next day she went to the hospital). She told us in the hospital they ran tests and found something abnormal and told her to come back and then that’s how she found out she had cancer.
She never tells stories the way she said this one, and I had never seen her this coherent when she’s “lying.”
My dillema is I do not want to see her after tonight, and I don’t think I can handle her misgendering me, screaming at me, verbally and possibly even physcially abusing me anymore. But, if she’s telling the truth, I want to spend as much time with her as I can.
I feel like I’m on a timer and I just don’t know what to do. I still love her because she is still my mom, and I always wished that I could fix my relationship with her one day, but now I might not ever get the chance.
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
TL;DR: My abusive and compulsive liar mother told me she has cancer and five months to live, and I don’t know if I should believe her or not.
4 comments
If she has cancer, it doesn’t change the fact that she doesn’t seem to care about you, and only wants you around to do things for her or for her to verbally abuse you.
I would cut her out of my life. The only way I would see her is if I would feel misplaced guilt for doing otherwise. Regret is very hard to live with.
It would be easy to say you don’t owe her anything (and you don’t) but you have to live with yourself afterward. Do whatever is best for you. If you think you can go NC without regret that is the best way to go.
Hon, the only thing you need to do here is take care of yourself. You love your mother in the way that you love the idea of mother, the woman you always wanted her to be and she never was. Her being ill and dying would mean that she and you will finally never have a mended relationship. She will never be healed and you will never have what you long for.
For your own sanity, see a therapist. Grieve the childhood you never had, the mom you wanted and never got, the life your mom could have had if she had been well and sober but never did .
Then, consider only what will keep you healthy and well. Your mother has had many years to get sober, leave abusers, get mental health care, and stop abusing you. She won’t leave her abusive addict and you won’t leave her. You can stop this cycle.
At this point, do not spend time with her unless it is under your terms. You have spent years doing things with her because of guilt. Practice saying, calmly, “no, I won’t come to your place. We can meet in the open at a park/ cafe’, other open place. If you begin to yell , I will leave.”
Practice setting a boundary and calmly keeping it.
None of this really relates to if your mom is dying. There is nothing you can do about that. You can however, work on detaching yourself from an expectation that your mom will behave differently. I suspect that if you can put some boundaries around her behavior, she may control herself a little. If she does not, you will have protected yourself . If that boundary is that you will not see her or talk to her on the phone, then don’t feel badly. She has had many opportunities to meet with you and behave and has not done so.
Again, work on your own healing.
I don’t have any advice because we have the ‘same’ mum 🙁 I love her with all of my heart, I love how intensely loving she can be, I’m terrified of how psychotically angry she has been at me and abusive she has been to me and my sisters since we were babies, I love how she says she would die for me and do anything for me, but couldn’t actually stop drinking or get help in anyway. I love her but I hate the effects her actions have caused, I understand her and I don’t. She showed me a song when I was like 5 “she’s always a woman to me” and told me she used to listen to it about her mum, so I guess it was the cycle, and her mum was the same 🙁
I’m a mum now and I am the cycle breaker in my lineage, hearing your story (I’m 23) so not much older but I still feel so protective over you, but I understand what your going through with your mum, I just don’t have advice 🙁
Currently I have been putting up boundaries with my mum (whilst trying not to trigger her which is almost impossible, my mum has BPD, could it be the case with yours? Usually caused by childhood trauma and I can see it in my older sister now too, she might have caught more trauma because she was the first if that makes sense)
All of my my mum’s mother and grandmother died from lung cancer and she was just diagnosed with lung disease, I just want you to know your not alone, there must be alot of us out there!
She might be lying though, here’s my advice, all you can do is live the life she would want for you if she was stable, which might be out of her control, all the beautiful things she says to you keep, and all the negative things disregard, the biggest gift you can give her is to be the person she would have had and raised if she could have, which is your true authentic self (I’m learning while typing this and I want to cry) keep living and being who you are, talk to her when you can, and ignore her when you need to, her life Is not and has never been in your control, but your life has had to be and that’s your gift <3
I hope she is healthy and she very well might be <3 but don’t worry too much about that, rather worry about who you are and what you want for your future, break the cycle, dont let anyone control or be little you, and let yourself love and grow, that’s the biggest gift a child can give, you can’t save her, but you can love your life to the best of your abilities and communicate when you feel comfortable in your own ways, and that makes those communications so much better. But honestly I don’t have advice because I’m in the same boat, all I know is you are the kid, and you are a good kid <3
What do you hope to get out of spending more time with her? Is it for her? You don’t owe her anything. Is it because you hope she’ll apologize or change in the last few months of her life? I seriously doubt that will happen. Figure out WHY you think you need to spend this time with her. Then ask yourself how likely it is that what you hope for will happen. You don’t owe her anything. You never did.