Hi Redditors,
I’m 32, a career driven woman, I care a LOT about fitness, am loyal, try to be a supportive and reliable friend and think I have decent interpersonal skills as a result of my job in marketing.
Whilst I’ve always had questionable self esteem, I’m starting to be a bit more comfortable in my skin than I was in my 20s. When I used to date when I was younger, I would stifle the ‘real me’, be a doormat and kind of morph into whoever I was dating. I guess because of this, I had absolutely no issues dating. I had 2 long term relationships (and a shit situationship), but otherwise was always getting dates in between and never had trouble securing seconds and thirds.
I was recently in an incredibly toxic on again, off again situationship as I was too afraid to end it in fear of being single again. Unsurprisingly, he ended up hurting me so badly that I had no choice but to end it. And now at 32, I’m having the most awful luck at dating. Guys seem to be frequently ghosting me after the first date and I’m unsure why as they seem to laugh at my jokes, really enjoy the date and the dates usually last quite a while. Just got a rejection text just now from a guy even though I hadn’t tried to contact him after the date, which felt weirdly mean spirited and spiteful? And reinforced my thoughts that something is wrong with me.
In addition to that, it feels like my apps are far dryer than they used to be and I’m struggling to secure a date more than once a month. I used to go on multiple a week. It’s starting to really impact my self esteem as I feel like I’m bringing my true authentic self to these dates vs the fake doormat I used to and I’ve made some genuine, authentic friends in my 30s who say these wonderful things about me that I just can’t see. I’m starting to really stress about it as I want kids and it feels like time is running out. Not to mention most profiles saying ‘not sure’ on what they want and ‘not sure’ on wanting kids, so there are noncommittal vibes all round.
Does anyone have tips on how I can do better in dating or meeting people in general? For further context, I live in Sydney, where it is infamous for how hard it is to date. Truth be told I moved to the US in 2013 for that very reason, so it’s possible it’s always been bad and I just wasn’t single here long enough after moving home to realize it. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
10 comments
You said that genuine authentic friends have told you wonderful things about you that you can’t see. Have you asked them this question? If they can see the good things about you, they can probably see the not-so-good. Keep in mind though that nobody likes to hear negatives about themselves so be prepared for that.
Good luck!
You’re outside the age range for most people on dating apps. You’ll also be deprioritized due to your age. Showing women in their 30s to a lot of profiles doesn’t get men to pay for extra features. Access to women in their 20s is the product being sold to men on apps.
You’re also at the age where younger guys aren’t going to be very interested in more than a hookup, and most older guys have already had kids/been married/possibly still married and cheating. There’s not going to be a whole lot of men in their 30s who are decent and still single. Many of them have been snatched up already.
Your best bet is to try to meet guys by going out and doing activities you enjoy or try to get your friends to set you up with someone they know and trust.
So lets start breaking it down and see where it takes us.
You’re a career driven woman / lady, what does that mean ?
Does it mean 40-80 hour weeks ?
How much time do you spend on fitness ?
Lets leave the self-esteem out for now.
Why did you stifle yourself in the past ?
What changed between you dating then and you dating now ?
What happened in your relationships ? And subsequent situationship ?
Toxicity in relationships are usually a duality, so it takes two people to have a dynamic that sucks ass.
Who are you going out with ?
Give us a run down of what is important.
Ghosting is a shit deal, but it is a first date.
Dont expect too much besides «on your a real person, cool»
Are you passive after dates ?
A guy rejected you by letting you know and you find that mean ? (Would you have wanted him to ghost you instead)
As a starting point i would say be more pro-active and show interests, and not just hints of it.
But that is general advice until we learn more about you.
Stats works like that, as we age we become less attractive (most of us!) and people are busy / in relationship more and more as we grow older.
I (F) was on dating apps until I was 32 and I don’t remember feeling any real difference between how men responded to me at 29 versus 32. There was DEFINITELY most interest in me age 18-29 (especially 18-26) though. Even though, ironically, I was a much better evolved human, AND looked better in my opinion, at 32+.
So, yes, there is a discount on women as they age, but I don’t think you ***really*** feel the brunt of that until you are 40+.
In your case, I think you’re probably subconsciously/subtly giving off some baggage or defensive vibes from your heartbreaks that is turning people off. You may also be giving off a “I want kids soon” vibe which turns many men off. I have no idea how to fix this, tbh.
I’ve just read another post written by a 30smth man who complains about the same thing: he had a better dating life in his 20s. That’s probably cause there are much more people who are single in their 20s.
So no worries, 30years old is still young and I’m sure you will find someone worthwile. Maybe try expanding your social circle even more?
What sort of guys are you trying to date. Many of the ‘top’ guys in the sense of good looking, tall, good job and good personality who are single in their 30s want women in their 20s. I’d recommend thinking about what you would be willing to drop from your list to widen the net as at over 30 those guys who tick every box will view you as a hookup whilst they are waiting for their 20 something gal.
I disagree with a lot of these comments. I’m in my early 20s and usually turn down guys past 30 because I want someone closer to my age
This might be more of an issue of what you’re like in person than how you are on paper. There’s nothing wrong with having insecurities, they’re humanizing. Accept yourself, build attraction and give out friend vibes so you can find that best friend lover. Stay positive. I’m not saying settle but it’s unlikely that you’ll find perfect, you can find someone who’s right for you but the first thing would be believing that you can and keeping an open mind.
I don’t think your age is the problem. I’m almost mid-30s, and I also want kids but couldn’t find someone to build something long term. I usually look for someone closer to 30s to mid-30s, in part because the person is likely more settled and know what she wants. I can confidently say that the struggle is real on both sides.
I think someone who’s career driven (not the crazy 40+ hours a week where the other person never see the person), care about fitness, loyal, supportive, reliable, and wants to settle down and have kids, is actually quite attractive. I’d personally date such a person because I’m also looking for the same things.
Try not to beat yourself too much, sometimes it’s not your fault. Not all guys have the mindset of settling down, some just want to beat around the bushes. Sometimes it’s better to be alone than get into a toxic relationship solely for not feeling lonely.
Trust me, the dating market over here in the USA is rough.. I’ve been looking for years now.