Hey everyone! Throwaway and some details changed because my gf reddits.
We have been dating for a little over a year and a half. In the last 6 months we moved to a new city for our new jobs–her closer to where she grew up and me across the country from most of my family.
Recently we were having a conversation and she told me that she thinks I’m unmotivated. This is pretty hard for me to hear, because it was part of the reason she and her last ex ended things, because she found she didn’t contribute to the relationship the same way she did.
The thing is–I’m pretty fucking motivated. I have a professional degree and work full time in my field, earning quite a bit. I volunteer in my spare time, work out, have been making friends in this new city, etc…I will admit I have been pretty burnt out the last few months–my new job isn’t what I expected it to be and I have been considering a career change in the next 1-2 years. This has been weighing on me, but I think him calling me unmotivated when I’ve done all of this by my age is pretty…mean?
We talked about it and she apologized and said she misspoke, but that she thinks I’m in a rut and not motivated to fix it. She knows I’m in therapy, just got back on medication, and am actively trying to make changes to my career so I’m not sure what else to do?
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Any advice on how to talk to her about this? It has really been bugging me. I struggle a lot with negative self talk and my inner voice has always called me lazy and that I dont do enough, and it feels like she just confirmed it.
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tldr: girlfriend thinks I’m unmotivated because I’m burnt out in a new city and new/stressful job. I am pretty high-achieving and not sure what else I can do to come off as more motivated or how to bring this up to her. Plz advise.
7 comments
In a rut? Jesus wept some bloody support for you would be nice. You move across country with her to a new city closer to her family, new job that kinda sucks, new work colleagues to cultivate relationships with, new friends to make and she’s calling you unmotivated?
Honestly I think you need to sit her down and not exactly go on the offensive, but be a forthright in how her comments are frankly belittling and upsetting.
A relationship only works when both parties are mutually supportive and it sounds like her side is lacking.
Maybe she has unreasonable expectations. Are her parents really hard on her?
Do you complain about work a lot?
It sounds like this might be more of a her issue than a you issue
I think it’s fair to ask her for specifics. How would your behavior differ if you were appropriately motivated? If she doesn’t have examples, push back and explain why you felt hurt by that label.
Maybe the issue is that she’s noticed a pattern of her dating slackers and she’s not happy with that. Maybe her expectations are unreasonable. Maybe she’s unhappy about something else and funneling it into this non-issue.
Edit: fair not far
>The thing is–I’m pretty fucking motivated. I have a professional degree and work full time in my field, earning quite a bit. I volunteer in my spare time, work out, have been making friends in this new city, etc.
Seems like the problem is with your GF – not you. Keep doing what you’re doing, and if they can’t see that you’re “motivated” enough, maybe you can motivate yourself to find a partner that’s a better fit for your pace and lifestyle.
I suspect the problem isn’t you… I’d ask her what her concerns are wrt motivation generally, if she fears having to take care of other people, if there’s some family stuff driving it (e.g., either she had parents who were hard on her and now it’s how she thinks of herself and others OR maybe she had a parent who was actually very unmotivated and she is hypervigilant about it). I grew up with the latter kind of parent and I’ve always been super spooked by any romantic interest who appears to slow down at all bc I fear they might take advantage of me.
the fact that she’s being critical of you implies to me that she doesn’t actually know precisely where this fear comes from. not to mention that she’s had this problem with a relationship in the past.
Pay attention to the pattern of your partner’s relationships. You will always be under pressure to perform even when you are unable to do so. It is toxic, not supportive.
I think it would be good to discuss what she specifically meant by you being unmotivated. Is it about your job, how much you help around the house? Your salary? Because we can’t really give any advice based on such a vague statement. Maybe your careers going great but she actually meant she hated being the only one who cleans the bathroom. It’s impossible to know what she meant without some examples or more specificity.