TL;DR: me and my bf aren’t having sex and haven’t for months; he says it’s important to him but isn’t doing anything to show it
My bf and I have been together for 4 years and are born in doc programs (I’ll be leaving mine in May to move home for many reasons, and will reapply closer to home because I’m ~2 hours from home now). My bf and I see each other usually once a week 3 times a month on average, but he had caught me off guard over Christmas when he told me that we would likely only be able to see each other twice this semester. He said maybe more, but seemed very adamant that it would be on the low side. I suggested I can come home more but he said we weren’t on the same page, and I said it sounded like he was asking for an out (that’s what it sounded like at the time). Things have been rocky after that happened, but have gotten a little better over time. We have had a lot of talks about each persons point of view, but communication is a difficult thing for us, and we have both acknowledged we need to work on it. I suggested couples therapy too but he said he doesn’t want to do it until we have tried to figure things out ourselves…
Here’s the thing. Last semester was stressful for both of us and we didn’t always initiate sex, oral, etc. but once Christmas hit, it was done. He has basically said that it is because we are fighting. I have said we need to make it a priority, but he said he doesn’t see the need to make this a priority over other things like not fighting… and he said that it’s more important to have a normal relationship. As far as I’m concerned, a normal relationship consists of sex and intimacy. When I say that I miss having sex, he says that of course he misses it too, why wouldn’t he?
I don’t know what to think, and I feel very confused. I really want some input from the knowledgeable folks here because my bf and I are very committed to each other and have planned on getting married. I know that we will probably never be all over each other constantly like we were in the beginning, but I really want something of a sex life.
1 comment
A lot of people need to be getting along well with their partner in order to have that sort of intimacy, so if you are fighting a bunch it’s not super surprising that things have fallen off. That being said, falling off to zero is pretty extreme.
Of course it’s difficult to glean from an internet post, but to me this kinda just sounds like a relationship that is falling apart. Like, if you fight a bunch, never have sex, have trouble communicating…you’re sort of clinging to this theoretical better version of the relationship that isn’t really there anymore. Maybe it can turn around, but the communication has got to improve big time, and I’d give some very practical thought to the idea that you just might wind up being happier in the long run if you wound up in a different relationship with somebody else who’s more on your wavelength.