I recently decided my marriage feels like a lie. A number of years ago our youngest child entered in kindergarten. The child is now in grad 5. My wife and I have several kids and the whole time. My wife has made it clear when the youngest is in kindergarten she will go back to work. Well, I’ve decided that’s a total lie. My wife waited until the youngest was in third grade to start working part time. She quit within six months later because it wasn’t fulfilling and didn’t pay enough. During this time, my wife has made it clear I don’t do enough. Both around the house and for her. So no matter what I do it is not the correct something. When she was working I would come home and clean just for her to say how I did it wrong and now she has to redo everything. She could not tell me what I did wrong but only that it was wrong.
About a year ago I got a 3 percent raise which is 3 times more than I ever got with out changing job. Her response “that’s it”. Seriously when I spend multiple years with pay freezes unless I’m working a new job. She says that’s it. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
About a month ago my work made it clear. I need to start working mandatory overtime. Not just me the entire shop from the janitor to HR. So the entire shop now works 60 hours a week. The best past is they still pay us for 40 hours and give us the other 20 in comp time. Good luck with trying to get a chance to use it. So far no one has gotten a chance. So I got about 80 hours of time off I never get to use now.
When I called my wife who is at home at the time, she screamed at me that I woke her from her nap. It turns out she takes a nap every day at 1 o’clock. A few nights ago my wife made it clear I don’t do enough around the house and that’s why she’s acting the way she is.
For a list of both work and Home related reasons I quit my job last week.
The amazing thing as everyone who told me how things will get better when I do more around the house right now telling me what an asshole I am for arbitrarily quitting my job.
Everyone of these people, including my own mother, made it clear it’s OK for her to quit and find herself. Well, she hasn’t found herself yet. It has been several years. And somehow it’s all my fault. but I am somehow supposed to get my job back to keep the bills paid. I said no. It is my turn to find myself and get a job I love and fulfill my needs.
So what did I do wrong? I followed the directions and rules my wife was told to follow and somehow I have different rules?? She keeps threaten divorce if I don’t go back to work and right now I think I’m gonna have a divorce no matter what I do.
33 comments
So you quit your job out of spite because your wife wasn’t holding up her end of the bargain?
Because you quit your job out of pettiness. You made it sound like you’re quitting because you’re jealous she had to take a nap at 1pm while she takes care of “several kids” and had probably followed every mess, chores, childcare and most likely tending to you too. You’re mad you had to be husband and a father too, aside from having a job(why can’t you be put in a pedestal for bring home money?).
>The amazing thing as everyone who told me how things will get better when I do more around the house right now telling me what an asshole I am for arbitrarily quitting my job
Yes, they are right. They meant help out, not add to the problem. Seems like you didn’t even do anything around the house after you quit, else your close relations would have been on your side.
You wife quit because on top of having a job, she’s most likely still doing everything around the house. You’re clocked out the moment you clocked out, it seems. Or else you wouldn’t be hearing anything about you not helping.
It feels like this is one side of the whole story,, but your mindset surely feels off. You decided this, you decided that… Quitting and all, so strange when you have 3 kids and a wife… Just doing so while expecting her to take over and find a job while you stay at home, no communication/talk but you decided and think that plan is sound?
I hope the kids will be ok but maybe it’s better you two get couple counseling or if that’s not an option, separate, as I do not feel there is love in that union.
I hope this is a troll post. I find it hard to believe that a nearly 40YO man with a wife and a gaggle of kids who need shelter and food would just up and quit when they are the sole breadwinner UNLESS they’ve got such significant savings that they can afford not to work and be able to pay the bills for 6-12mos while they look for another job. Because in lieu of that, it’s an incredibly irresponsible move.
You two should divorce regardless. You both sound miserable and toxic. Kids shouldn’t have to be exposed to that.
Has someone who likewise feels like he is doing the lion’s share around the house, you have my sympathies.
That being said, two wrongs don’t make a right. If your wife isn’t keeping her promises, then the proper answer is to hold her to her promises, publicly, in front of friends and family if necessary. And if your work is screwing you over, then you informed the law. In neither case is quitting a good idea. It may _feel_ good… What part of being an adult is understanding that something feeling good and something actually being a good idea are two separate things, and sometimes _opposite_ things.
It is true that the friends and family judging you do not have the full context. That being said, that is your fault. It is your job to provide them full context. You aren’t owed accurate or fair judgment. You have to fight for it. And, since you haven’t done that, what it looks like is a deadbeat dad quitting his job for no reason. You’d judge another man for doing that, so it’s only fair that you be judged. And the fact that everyone is looking at it one-sided is something you need to change, you personally.
This post doesn’t specify how many kids? 3? 4? 7? 10???
This is on both OP and his wife though. Why do people who are miserably married keep having children? Is the 5th one the magic child that will fix a clearly long-time broken marriage? I don’t feel empathy for OP or his wife, just super unfair to all the children involved.
If you live in America you have to be paid working overtime, unless you have some weird union contract.
Sorry about your relationship and your wife not appreciating you.
I actually agree with you. I am a woman and I am the breadwinner and my husband stays home with kids (childcare costs outweighed the income). Although being home with kids and housework sucks (I do 90% of cleaning and cooking-even wake up early to prepare dinner before I leave), it works. But I would be lying if I didn’t say sometimes I am resentful that he gets to just relax sometimes. Yes kids are difficult. But so is leaving home everyday, working with difficult people, having the stress of all expenses on your shoulders, and then feeling guilty for not having enough time for family and yourself. I feel awful if I take an hour for myself. But if all your kids are in school and she has essentially 7:20am-3:30pm kid free and she does housework (you do grocery shopping) then that would definitely make me angry. You deserve a break and she should be working.
So you, the sole provider of income for your family that includes “several children” up and quit your job to try and spite your wife? And now you want her, who has not worked in many years because she has been taking care of your children and home, to just… get a job that outearns what you were making? Jesus Christ dude, you have a family to take care of. Stop acting like a petulant teenager.
Classic hypocracy regarding genders. A man has to work to support his family no matter or else he has no worth. A woman can stay home and find herself, and her worth is not up for debate. This is why it can be so easy for a father and a husband to give it all up and walk away from everything or even worse, just blow their brains out and call it quits.
So…..
– you can’t write a sentence to save your life
– you have multiple kids to feed and house
– you’ve had pay freezes which impacted your ability to save
– your wife was doing the housework before and you apparently didn’t pay attention to how the housework was being done because you can’t tell what’s different (and she’d fix it after she worked, meaning she wasn’t being lazy) so she would have to work and redo the housework you couldn’t get right
– you didn’t mention job hunting at all when you’re unhappy with your current pay
– your wife was wrong to not discuss staying home longer and her staying home
– it sounds like when she was home that she did pull her weight though especially if you didn’t know how the housework should be done
– your wife was wrong to be mad that you called
– you mention nothing about getting paid out for the comp time, so did you?
– you quit your job with no income to the family, no way to pay for a roof, no prospects on future employment, and you’ve already admitted to not knowing how to do the housework you’d be expected to do while at home. So what do you plan on contributing?
All the above paints you as a very immature person.
Honestly neither of you is a good person. But you don’t seem to care about your family (including your children) at all.
You also don’t seem to have any ability to speak to people about the issues you face. All adults need that ability. You don’t have it.
Divorce is the best course here, and honestly it’s probably best you don’t have majority custody if you really don’t care if your kids are fed.
Wait? Mandatory overtime but you’re paid in comp hours? Yeah, fuck that nonsense. You’re being ripped off. You should be getting time and a half for 20 hours each week.
Now wonder your wife is upset.
Let me make one thing clear: both you and your wife need to grow up and understand 1. If it’s worth being depressed to stay together, 2. It is inhumane and shitty, but everyone needs to work.
With all the kids you seem to have, I can only imagine how tired she must be. Keeping a house and raising children is no joke, and it is only human not to have the strength to also work a full time job.
Now, I don’t know where you live and what your wife was doing part-time, but whatever that was I am fully confident it wouldn’t make a great deal of difference in your finances compared to your 40+ hours/week job, while it would 100% make a difference in her well-being being able to take care of your children and your house full time.
Additionally, learning how to do house chores is the bare minimum you can do to help your wife, who must be pretty overwhelmed if she needs to take a nap after lunch.
It’s pretty clear to me you and your wife are unhappy together, and you are acting quite selfishly.
I would definitely break up with you, and take the kids where they can be financially supported.
Generally speaking moreover, just to briefly touch upon work, please take into account the fact you cannot in this economy, and with many children to care for, leave a job without having another one piled up.
You are acting recklessly, and with no regards not only for your wife but also for your children.
That said, I would seriously consider therapy. You don’t sound like someone who’s talking straight.
Take care.
OK I think this is fake, I hope it is cause otherwise it’d be messed up… Who says “we have several kids” and “the child”… Like you’re talking about some strangers?
Quitting your job is brain dead stupid but you do you
What you did wrong is not know exactly how many kids you have. Wtf does several “ kids mean.
How much is they 3? 9? 34?
We don’t know. The fact is you don’t understand how much work multiple kids are too raise. 1 is fine 2 is harder but doable 3 is like another universe. 4 is wow nuts.
Yo just gloss over all this and it might be the reason your wife is so stressed.
Multiple kids are a full time job.
Bruh, if you remove the wife from the equation is your life better or worse? You’re supposed to have a partner, not a dependent. Rip off the bandaid and see a lawyer.
You have a household to support. Divorce your wife and take care of your children. Someone has to be the responsible parent so if you are able you need to work. Your anger and frustration are valid but you need to think practically and logically because your children depend on you.
She sounds incredibly toxic.
When faced with continuously moving goal posts, the only way to face it is to stop playing the game.
So stop playing this game OP.
Leave her and go enjoy your life, you be the one to file the papers and give them to her. Don’t let her feel like she has the sense of power. It’s over but I think you can be so much happier without her.
Also contact a divorce lawyer today.
If you get the divorce you will only have to feed yourself and your kids half the time. The other half you only have to feed yourself. And with the extra space and clarion mind you might find a better job and more happiness.
I’m starting to hate this sub so much. If this is real get a new job and probably divorce your wife she sounds awful.
U cut ties from shitty job. Now cut ties from shitty wife. 2/2 king
Honestly Mr several kids, my bet advice to you is find a lawyer that somehow specializes in both divorce law and employment law.
Get a divorce soon with no household income. Level playing field.
First, I’m pretty sure your job is illegally stealing wages so you need to talk to a lawyer. Second, your wife sucks and it won’t get better. Talk to a lawyer (probably a different one) about options.
You quit your full time job without a backup as the sole or primary breadwinner in your home that includes small children?
Of course none of your family support that, it’s a bonehead move.
Get a job, get a divorce, get a therapist, but whatever you do get over your mid-life crisis before it hurts your kids and their future.
I don’t think comp time is permitted in the private sector. They need to pay at time and a half for everything over 40 per week of pay period.
Just get a divorce. Are you even happy in your marriage?
This whole thing is really weird. But anyway, if this is real, get therapy or a divorce lawyer.
She’s a user. You’re an enabler. Own up to it.
I get “for better or worse” but I don’t think that applies when your partner is mentally abusive for their own selfish reasons and would never admit it or be receptive to change. It sounds like you’d be much better off without her. Don’t let her bitching get to you. You know it’s bs. Tell her the facts and your not buying the bs she’s selling. When she threatens divorce, tell her to not let the door hit her in the ass. Btw, you should get your job back and tell her the free ride is over and she’s gonna have to pull her weight.