This might be terribly obvious but I’m a bit foggy from grieving.
I started a job almost 9 months ago, I’ve been studying part time alongside working for the last 3 years to get a foot in the door of this field. The job was brutal from day 1, with colleagues refusing to teach and answer questions, my manager taking offence to things I still don’t understand to this day, and probation reviews getting progressively worse even though the people teaching me would tell me I was doing fine if I asked. Reason for failing progression reviews were always things that had either already been resolved or things that had not been brought to my attention until the review. I really wanted the job and asked for help, a friend of mine helped me start the disability adjustment process in case that was the cause of all the problems (I’m autistic). Before the manager paid any attention at all to my request, a new head of department was brought in who tidied up the general attitude and took control over what I perceived as bullying. I went from having several anxiety attack a day to enjoying the job, caught up on all the training once the information was made accessible.
My probation ends at the end of this month. My dad died this Monday with no warning. I lost the ability to eat and sleep let alone work for most of this week. Still managed to come in for half the day on Thursday and Friday though.
My family is planning to come together for 2 weeks back home (outside of UK) to grieve/have a memorial ceremony/sort out paperwork. I want to go for the 2 weeks, the head of department said they could a allow a few days before and after the funeral, maybe some holiday (I haven’t taken any time off yet this year). They are reluctant though, supposedly because another member of staff is on paternity leave. This confuses me because its been made very clear to me that I am not important and they would do fine without me.
I’m thinking of getting the flight for the two weeks and letting them fire me if that’s what they want. Am I being ridiculous?
I don’t want to cut the trip short over a job that I might not be offered permanent when I get back after all, they already extended probation because I didn’t pass the 6 months (due to colleague refusing to teach me what I needed to know to complete the 6 month req.)
I’ve completed the 6 months training in the meanwhile because head of dept. forced it, but I’m just not convinced it’s worth missing time with my family over this job.
Am I being unreasonable?
38 comments
You will always be able to get another job but only get one chance to go to your dad’s funeral.
I don’t know how old you are but your dad gets one funeral and your work career is likely to be around 40-50 years.
Arsehole to them. Go to your dad’s funeral
Jobs come and go, your dads funneral is a one-time event. Go be with your family, sod the job. Worse case scenario, you’ll find another job.
Just go. Its your dad’s funeral so I think most people would choose to go to a funeral for very close family over work.
I’d crawl over broken glass to go to my dad’s funeral.
Work can get fucked, there’s always another job.
A life time of regret if you don’t attend.
I would refuse to work for a place that doesn’t allow me to take some emergency time-off due to death and a funeral.
I simply wouldn’t respect their need for me to be at work. No way in hell I’m turning up to work.
Yes. There will be other jobs, but this is the only chance you’ll get to say goodbye to your dad. You’ll hate yourself if you miss it.
Any job worth staying at won’t have an issue with you attending your dad’s funeral. A company that has issues with that isn’t a company you want to work for.
My mum died August 9th last year. She lived with me, I looked after her. I was a mess when she died. My work gave me the rest of August off and time to attend the funeral in September.
Any job that is not sympathetic to your circumstances is not a job you want to be in. You have bigger things to focus your attention in right now and you need to do that for your own closure (especially as this was unexpected) go be with your family at this difficult time and don’t give the job a second thought. Sorry for your loss and hope your employer realises the need to be sympathetic to your circumstances.
” This confuses me because its been made very clear to me that I am not important and they would do fine without me.”
And they are grumbling about your dad’s funeral? Tell ’em to go fuck themselves and go to your dad’s funeral.
Yeah, your work sounds toxic and when you leave you will feel a weight lifted from you. Be prepared to sue them under disability discrimination legislation for bullying you out of the job as well. There are provisions in the HR manual for time off for funerals of immediate family. If they do not allow this, you go to your GP and explain that the grief is badly affected your work and get signed off.
You are indeed confused.
Go to the funeral. Otherwise you might regret that for the rest of your life, and it will be an unsolvable trauma.
Any Company will allow time for that. If not it’s not a Company you should be working for.
More importantly, if your job is putting you into this state of stress and confusion, is this job and environment right for you? It’s obvious your self confidence has been destroyed. You really don’t need to be living in constant fear.
Go on the sick then they can’t fire you.
I think the ins and outs of the work issues are irrelevant. I’ve been at places where I got slammed after six months for being shit (and I actually was), and others where I’ve done well and been rewarded.
Despite that, I’d expect both places to understand that I’d need a few weeks off if my dad died!!!! Fuck them, go sort things out and attend the funeral, and go back to the drawing board after.
Do you want to work for a company that is willing to fire people for grieving anyway?
Might as well go and risk it. All the outcomes are better than staying at work while your dad is buried.
Your company sounds like a sack of shit, you’ll find another role elsewhere if they sack you, if they don’t sack you, I’d recommend finding another role elsewhere.
I’m sorry for your loss, good luck to you on the career front!
Jobs come and go, as stated by someone else.
You’ve got the training. At worst, take that as the XP you need to move on. Go to the funeral of your dad.
If there is more you are meant to take from this job, then it will still be there when you get back.
All you need is to be professional. Don’t tell them to fuck off. Don’t burn bridges. Just tell them you need to go back. Tell them you will need two weeks. If they can’t accommodate, then fine. Get a reference. Find a new role when you get back.
If you need help with your cv, linked in, etc. I’m sure we could help. I know I would.
BoL
The answer is obvious. They do not own you. They sound abhorrent to work for. You’ve not even taken any annual leave in nine months? They will have a family emergency / bereavement policy (even if it just covers the one day at the funeral). Do not waste time giving these people any more thought. You have to do what’s best for you and your family.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.
It will take you a long time to process it and even start to deal with it. To do that, you need to go to his funeral and you probably would never forgive yourself if you don’t.
The job sounds awful anyway – you can find another one and are probably best out of it.
Get signed off by your doctor. Bereavement is an acceptable reason to get signed off. When you are feeling more like yourself, start looking for another job where the people are not arseholes.
Go to your dads funeral…
I’d also recommend asking, loudly and in front of as many other workers as possible, *why* they’re not letting you take time off for a funeral.
Honestly, I’d tell them to fuck off if they tried to stop you.
Contact HR and explain that this is your fathers funeral and you categorically will not miss it.
As this isn’t r/LegalAdviceUK, this is aboslutely the kind of news story that the papers LOVE, nice little compo face under the headline “I was fired for attending my fathers funeral”.
They’ll have a field day over that.
Your job sucks massively. You don’t deny people permission to go to their parents’ funeral, you just don’t. Go to your dad’s funeral. See your family. And start the job search when you get back.
Im sorry for your loss. Taking time to grieve with your family is important.
Even without the funeral to consider, I would already have one foot out the door with what you are saying. If this is how it has started, its a good indication of how things are gonna be moving forward.
Tell your boss your taking the 2 weeks off. Ask him if you still have a job to come back too. Either way, start looking for another job.
In case you hadn’t already got the general idea:
YES, GO TO YOUR DAD’S FUNERAL!
Look at it this way:
1. I absolutely guarantee you will regret missing your dad’s funeral. It’s the absolute last thing you will ever be able to do for him. It will eat you up.
2. If you died tomorrow, your employer would spend 3 minutes wondering if they should send someone to your funeral or flowers to your relatives. But they’d spend hours interviewing for your replacement.
In terms of practicalities: An awful lot of bosses (and yours sounds like one of them) are essentially bullies. And most bullies don’t know how to deal with someone standing up for themselves.
What you should do is email your boss and say “I shall be taking (DATE) to (DATE) off for my dad’s funeral”. No more, no less. CC in HR (or whoever manages HR admin type tasks); this will ensure it’ll be recorded properly; he can’t later lie to HR and say you took off without telling him.
Sure, they can sack you for it, but who in their right mind wants to become known as the employer who sacks people for going to their own dad’s funeral?
If they’re not compassionate enough to allow you to go to your own dads funeral without consequences for taking time off then they’re not a company you should be working for
I’m sorry to hear about your dad, and your situation is awful. It seems that most comments (if not all) are saying to go to your dad’s funeral and I 100% agree. If you don’t, I can guarantee it will haunt you for the rest of your life.
Even if you lose your job, as awful as that would be the silver lining is you’d no longer be working for an awful employer, and – in your interviews for your next job – when the inevitable “and why did you leave your last job” question comes up, your answer will really help separate the good prospective employers from the bad.
I hope things work out well for you in the long run, and I wish you strength for the days ahead.
What backward shit hole company are you working for that doesn’t allow time off for your fathers funeral? I thought it was the UK not the USA.
It sounds like you’d benefit vastly from a new workplace anyway – absolutely go to the funeral. Sorry for your loss, I also lost my Dad just before Christmas – you’ll bounce back better than ever.
If I was threatened with losing my job after going to my my dads funeral, I’d tell them to get fucked you gotta go to that funeral! A company that gets arsey over something like this isn’t worth being considerate towards.
If you get the sack, name and shame!
First of all, sorry for your loss.
Many years ago I had a once in a lifetime opportunity and let my boss bully me into missing it. Ive regretting not going and calling their bluff ever since. Your dads funeral is more important than that. You will regret it if you dont go.
There is another consideration to this. You said youre not sure if you will pass probation when you get back. Now you have the perfect excuse, when you go for a new job and they ask why you left you explain the situation with your dads funeral and they will just think your current employers are arseholes.
Cunts. My dad also died unexpectedly on day 1 of my new job several years back. I also happened to be living on the other side of the world at the time. I flew home for just over a week, wish I’d stayed for longer now. Grief is a weird thing so not surprised you’re confused but please don’t let these wankers rob you of time with your family. Sorry for your loss and wishing you the best.
Please, please go to the funeral. There will always, always be another job, but there is only ever one funeral for your father. You need to attend this, it will help you grieve and heal, and allow you the moment you both need and deserve with family.
The idea that they may prevent or discourage you from attending the funeral is fucking abhorrent, I am furious on your behalf. You are being treated horrendously and my advice to you would have been to move on as soon as possible, regardless of the funeral.
I know it may feel like this is the foot in the door you need, but you will come away from this with no meaningful experience, training or professional development. That line on your CV may get you your next interview, but it will come undone at interview.
Ignore the job, bury your father and take comfort in knowing he would have been proud of you for doing what is right.
Good luck and I hope the pain eases with time.
Get signed off for bereavement by the GP
No employment tribunal would ever side with a company who sacked you for attending your dad’s funeral.