Trust issues at its finest

It is now bothering me so much and i really want to know if there is anything i can do. I used to be a really bad attention seeker. Like really bad, i used to hang out with bisexual people only and called myself bisexual too. From then on, i was “bisexual”. I liked the attention i got from people for it, even if it wasnt attention 24/7.

I came to this new school, didnt know anyone there and my small brain was like “let’s pretend to be bisexual here too”. I wanted that attention again, i wanted to be special. A lot of those things come from my past. Having an abuse father and stuff like that.

I didnt immediately tell everyone that i was “bi”. That came with time. I knew that LGBT people, who always like go around and tell every single soul that they are LGBT are annoying (sorry for that, but its true) and i didnt want to be annoying.

I used to post stuff into my whatsapp status, that was more like for my old friends. So in order to keep going with the bisexuality, i used to say stuff like “shes so hot” even if that person wasnt hot at all in my opinion. Its easy to fake your opinion online and thats what i did.

In the new school, i met my now boyfriend. He had a crush on me, since the first school day. We started talking in school, became friends. I was doing really bad mentally at the time, he helped me get out if it. He always let me talk and eventually i “outed” myself. He didn’t really say anything at first. We were just friends, so he wasn’t even able to say anything.

In a next step, we got together. It was a wonderful day. With time, i noticed how much lying about my sexuality bothers me. I couldnt just give it up now though, would’ve been weird for everyone in my eyes. So i kept going but kept having sleepless nights because of it.

At some point, he told me that he was scared of me being bisexual. He is scared that I’ll leave him for a girl, since its my first relationship. He is scared that i secretly find woman really hot and actually hate men. After the relationship with my dad, me hating men would make sense. I even went so far to say “all men are trash”. I regret doing that.

Yesterday, he was having a panic attack and a anxiety attack. Whenever he has an anxiety attack, he would ask me questions about my sexuality. Yesterday the question was “did you ever find a woman attractive?” I’ll be honest, no i never did. No one but myself. I am the woman i sometimes find attractive. He didnt like that answer i think. He asked me why i didnt find them attractive. “Why should i?”, was my answer to that question. I dont really have anything in women to find attractive. He then asked me why i used to say it all the time then. “Attention seeking” i answered.

He didnt believe me. As much as he tried, he definitely didnt believe me. I feel sad because of that. I know i lied to you about it but you also lied about your drug history and i still believe you. I still trust you 100%. But he doesn’t believe me.

What should i do now? Every word of mine is useless in this war against an overthinker with anxiety. I could say whatever i want, unless its something like “im bisexual”, he won’t believe me. I am not bisexual, i would even go so far and say that i hate women at this point. He made me hate them, because i thought it will be easier for him if i just hate them. Turns out it isn’t. It just keeps getting worse like yesterday and i hate it. I’ll be honest, im thinking about breaking up with him. It is just getting too much to deal with for me and i dont even want to imagine for hard it has to be for him.

I just want to make it stop. I want him to believe me but i dont think that will ever happen again. Its making me sad