(Reposting this cuz I did it wrong last time)
Ok a little context first. Myself and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and a half, and whilst he is not the first guy I’ve been with, he is my first ever boyfriend and we are in love, but often have an intense and argumentative relationship. Once, he drunkenly cheated on me by making out with another girl at the club, but he told me it was an accident and I forgave him, although obviously since then I’ve been a lot more paranoid about things.
A little while into our relationship, he started talking about his sexual preferences. It started off with him liking to be dominated or losing control during sex, then making me his ‘mistress’, then him liking me to wear catsuits and boots in bed, and then finally he started opening up about his ‘robot fetish’, as well as a fetish for brainwashing and mind control. I’m not a very kinky person, but I agreed to meet him halfway and have something of a compromise, but only to the point where I could feel comfortable with it.
Anyway, the other day he fell asleep whilst we were watching a movie, and I noticed a discord notification pop up on his phone. I want to preface this by saying I did in no way try to unlock his phone or anything like that, I simply saw the notification on his phone. In any case, it was from some random account on discord asking if he wanted to be ‘turned into a drone’. Of course, this freaked me out, because whilst he had gradually become more open about his fetish, I didn’t think he was actively participating in it with other people and I thought he appreciated the accommodations I’d been trying to make.
So when he woke up, I confronted him about it. He said that he was just on some servers that posted ‘sexy robot pics’, but did not engage with them and was merely being messaged by these people but never responded. He said the reason why he didn’t tell me was because he was embarrassed rather than necessarily wanting to hide it from me. However, I definitely felt like he was using this as a shield, and that he didn’t understand how him keeping this from me wasn’t just a matter of shame, but a matter of honesty, particularly with his past. I mean how am I supposed to know and believe that all he is doing is jerking off to these robot pics and not engaging with a whole community?
And even then, I’m not completely sure how ok I am with him jerking off to these robot pics, at least considering how much he’s tried to keep it from me, and how much I’ve tried to fulfil some of these fetishes. Furthermore, when I asked him who he preferred to think about sexually, he said it was 50/50 me and the robots. I mean, if I only make up half of his sex life, it basically feels like he’s been keeping a whole part of his sex life from me and doesn’t see the problem? It makes me feel like I am not attractive enough for him, or that he needs to get his fill elsewhere in order to be satisfied, and that me alone will just not give him what he needs. I’ve already tried to centre our sex life around his fetish, and still he wants more from outside sources.
What’s more, whilst I am somewhat comfortable with performing some of his desires, he often has issues with respecting boundaries, especially physical ones, and can exhibit some controlling behaviours. I’m not sure whether I can deal with a lot of the mind control aspects of things, especially as I fear they will bleed into our regular life if I allow them.
I am very confused. To a certain extent, I love him and want to be with him, and we’ve built a foundation on which we understand each other, but I also don’t know if a) I can trust him when he chooses to conceal things like this and b) whether or not I want to continue knowing the depth of his fetish. Any advice would be appreciated.
Tldr: boyfriend with robot fetish with past cheating has hid from me him being on fetish discord servers. Makes him difficult to trust.
2 comments
It doesn’t sound like there’s been any actual compromise. It sounds like you’re reaching far outside YOUR comfort zone to please him and he’s put his fetish above his respect for you by secretly indulging in it. If he’s going to jerk off to robots anyway, then why should you continue with the fantasy at all? Also, the control aspect is a huge red flag and when sex is involved, it can get bad very quickly. Sex is an important part of relationships, especially as you get older together and the most important thing a couple needs in their sex life is mutual respect and trust. If you don’t feel like you do, then you should probably think about breaking things off.
Well, I suppose it’s a confusing situation. Interestingly, your boyfriend has pretty similar kinks (not the same) to some of my own, but it’s clear he’s much more involved. I would suggest that he back away from the groups he’s in and just keep this within his relationship.
>I’m not a very kinky person, but I agreed to meet him halfway and have something of a compromise
It’s very kind of you to do this for him but understand that playing into his kinks will only further make them feel like they could be realities. He’ll want to keep doing it more in bed, is what I mean. Finding some of the lighter kinks (bondage, latex, and submission seem to be enough for him) to introduce to the bedroom, without involving the more complex ones (slave, robot, or brainwashing) will save you a lot of hassle down the road.
>he often has issues with respecting boundaries, especially physical ones
Set clear boundaries and have a safe word. If he goes too far and you’re not comfortable in bed, invoke the word. You have every right to end a sexual situation if something feels off. If he tries to shame you for stopping or even keeps going when you say to stop, that’s a large red flag to get out of the relationship.
>being messaged by these people but never responded.
It’s actually a bigger issue on discord than you would expect. I had to put “taken, so don’t bother” in my bio so people would stop trying to ask me out on there. Let him know there’s an option to turn off DMs from non-friend accounts, it’ll save him some hassle. Also, I’d encourage him to not use discord for his porn sourcing. There’s websites for that stuff, and they don’t come with the additional community. Just seems like a weird place to be if he’s not talking to people, but I’ll trust his word if he’s willing to consider leaving them.
Let me know if there’s anything else on your mind, I’m sure I didn’t answer all your questions!