Me (m28) and my gf(F28) have been together for almost 2 years now. She’s great, fun, smart, loving and kind. When it’s just the two of us, she’s great. However, I find her to be too much when we’re around other people.
I’ve noticed that she seems to like being in the center of attention (she get’s resteless when she isn’t and starts doing random things to be noticed again) but she’s quite charming so it comes naturally otherwise. I do have a hard time with boastful people and find myself getting the ick when she starts talking about her trips, how glamorous her office is and the people she’s around, or exaggerates experiences to keep the attention on her. I know she isn’t doing it maliciously (in fact, she doesn’t seem to be aware of her behaviour at all) but it’s clear that she looks up to people with money, brands and extravagant lifestyle (“the elite”, as she calls it). She also likes to be admired in general and has said that she does crave some validation from people.
On top of the above, she can often say flirty things or encourage conversations with other people that border on flirty in her need to create a connection, to a point where my friends have on occasion asked me if she’s flirted with them, or commented on her need to be in the center. This isn’t helped by her preferring to surround herself with guy friends as she finds girls to be too problematic.
I feel like I should love her for who she is and support her no matter what, but on the other hand, I want her to be more humble and okay with having the spotlight on another person for one night. I do think that she wants to appear humble too, but even then she’s boisterous about it, by announcing charity pledges or framing donations in her home.
I want to empower her, but it’s getting difficult to not let my irritaion show with her behaviour. How do I talk to her about this?
TLDR: My girlfriend is very boastful and also humblebrags around friends. She likes validation and need peoples attention and admiration when we’re out with friends, which is turning me off a little bit. How do I tell her this?
7 comments
“I should love her for who she is” makes it sound like being with her is a contractual obligation. No, you should acknowledge her for who she is. Trying to change someone to better suit your needs is the pitfall to avoid here. But needing to love her for it? Why? You can genuinely dislike how someone acts. The question would then be why you’re with someone whom you dislike to such a degree.
Yes, I’m sure she has great qualities that work to offset this part of her character. Everyone does. You’re supposed to find someone you like more or less holistically as they already are. Not sure where you got off-track with these weird relationship tenets.
So she has no female friends. Do people actually like your GF? Or do they tolerate her?
She doesn,’t sound fun being around. Do you honestly think she is capable of changing? By this point, it’s so ingrained.
Have you tried to speak to her about this before? How did the conversation go?
Is she insecure about herself? This kind of behaviour can result from a lack of self-esteem – a need for external validation and approval because there isn’t much internal validation to lean on.
Finding girls to be ‘too problematic’ isn’t a great sign. I wouldn’t say it’s the end of the world – some people really do just not get along with women very well, it may well mean nothing at all – but it’s not a good look. There isn’t really any reason why someone should not be able to get on with an entire gender.
Beyond that… this could just be who she is. Some people are arrogant, or boastful, or like attention. There may be nothing ‘wrong’, that could just be who she is.
Women are more social than men. We should learn one thing or two with them. I get it when you say that you should love her no matter what, part of a relationship is accepting the bad side of your partner too, instead of jumping to another relationship every time you see something you dislike. Said that, maybe (maybe) she misses social interactions outside the relationship. A woman without social interactions is like a flower without water, and abstinence may make them act awkwardly. It’s very important that we, as men, actively try to catch up with them in this aspect. Take her out more, see common friends more frequently. Maybe you should travel together, I’m sure she’ll be happy if the initiative to travel comes from you. Play less video games and try to control your jealousy so that you don’t misinterpret her actions – you’ll regret it if this is the case. Talk about it with women you respect and give it a chance. If you feel disrespected, respectfully talk to her about your feelings. Women are not men, they don’t close themselves in stoic silence after doing charity, they tell the whole world to influence people to do the same. Also, they respect the capacity to turn dreams into reality, and sometimes it may sound like they enjoy money, but money isn’t really the point – whether she realizes it or not. Don’t cut her wings, if she likes to be the center of attention, let her be – as long as she doesn’t actually flirt with other guys – which would be a massive red flag – you’re cool. Women are also very competitive and women that are too authentic tend to be cut out of their groups because it makes other girls feel insecure.
Talk to women, man.
>I feel like I should love her for who she is and support her no matter what
I mean, no? That’s not how relationships work. You don’t pick someone and decide to love them. You fundamentally don’t like this person, you clearly have different values. When people say “you should love your partner for who they are” they mean it should come naturally, not that you should force yourself. And if it doesn’t, then you should move on.
And really, if this doesn’t seem to bother anyone else, then it’s a simple incompatibility. You are right that trying to change her behavior will come off as critical and it is borderline controlling. She isn’t the person you want her to be. It’s not your job to change her, it’s your job to recognize that and act accordingly.
“preferring to surround herself with guy friends as she finds girls to be too problematic”.
The behavior you described is the reason other women are problematic. They know exactly what she’s doing and they don’t like it. Especially if one of their boyfriends is the one she’s trying to get her validation from.