CONTEXT:
I 33F have been dating a man in his mid-30s for about 3 weeks. We escalated quickly, with a 7-hr 1st date, him deleting the dating app after our 1st date, and sleepovers from 3rd date-onwards. I don’t like to sleep with folks when I don’t know if they’re dating/sleeping w others, so we established that we were exclusive by date 4.
We have been on 7 dates at this point, all 7+ hrs long, most including sleepovers. We recently took each other out for our bdays and have met each others friends in passing. I really enjoy the time we spend together, but…
ISSUE:
When we are apart, he kinda sucks. Boring, terse, short “man texting”, not inquisitive, takes a few days after our last date to make plans, though he is very responsive. He also never calls. We are in touch every day but it is SUPER low quality.
I know he’s very into me from our in-person time, but it feels like he’s not into me when we aren’t together, despite me playfully bringing up that he texts like a boring dad and suggesting alternatives. We both skew anxious, but I haven’t seen a sign of this on his end.
The current state of communication when we aren’t together does not work for me and leaves me feeling anxious. An imminent dealbreaker in something that is otherwise very promising and that I’m very into.
QUESTION(S):
What is reasonable to expect from someone this early on in terms of quality of communication and cadence of plans?
How much should I model/initiate by calling him and making plans, and communicating when we aren’t together?
Can we alternate initiating plans at this stage (I do ascribe to traditional gender norms for dating, but now we are exclusive?)?
Is it too demanding to ask him to call me and say goodnight for 30 seconds rather than texting?
How can I warn him that this is a dealbreaker and grounds for me ending things if it doesn’t improve without sounding aggro? How long should I wait to have this convo?
Should I just accept that if this is how he is during courtship, it’s unlikely to improve, and cut my losses?
I really hate feeling this anxious and hyper analytical 🙁 I do need therapy but also want someone to meet the needs I have that are approps for the stage. Thank you!
11 comments
A few thoughts here…
It sounds like you might be confusing “exclusively sleeping together and not with others” with “in a serious relationship”. Three weeks is a SHORT time, and while it makes sense to agree to only sleep with each other, it’s likely there hasn’t been enough time to build the emotional intimacy that leads to daily calls and more in-depth texting.
It’s also possible he views texting as a logistical means to communicate and not a way to “get into the real stuff”. This could explain some of the tactical texting.
While chivalry and charm isn’t lost on me, I don’t see the point of forcing him to initiate all the plans at this stage. (Personally if I like someone I will initiate earlier). If you want to see him again, ask him, suggest a plan… you’re wanting boyfriend efforts from him (nightly calls) but presumably as his girlfriend wouldn’t expect him to initiate every plan. It seems like you’re using avoidant behavior to try to curb your anxious attachment.
This happened to me last year. Unfortunately it did not get better and eventually our dating ended after about a month. If he is not putting in the work when you are not together, then he may not be feeling it as much as you think. The person I’m dating now also moved a little fast but we talk nightly when we aren’t together and we both put in the same amount of effort. You should step back a bit and see what he does.
At three weeks there are a lot of expectations on the table here. I know every relationship moves at its own pace but maybe you would benefit from slowing your roll a bit.
My first thought is be careful because you don’t know him as well as you think you do. Because of my own previous experiences, to me this seems very “lovebomb” ish. 3 weeks and high intensity, but inconsistent on his end…
As you get to know him better, make sure what he says about himself matches what he actually does and shows you. Run at the first sign of gaslighting or belittling.
Otherwise, just relax and let him be someone who is fun to get to know a bit slower
This sounds like a lot for only 3 weeks in. Your apprehension towards the situation is a big clue from the gut level I think. If I were you I’d dial it back a bit. Lower expectations, etc. You hardly know this person. It’s very possible the entire thing will die out rather soon, likely in the form of a slow fade once you voice your expectations. Sorry…I think we’ve all been there before.
>QUESTION(S): What is reasonable to expect from someone this early on in terms of quality of communication and cadence of plans?
Based on what you’re saying, you and I have different ideas of communication after 3 weeks. I also have no idea what you mean when you say he texts like a “boring dad”. What sort of texts are you wanting? Novellas on the direction of human genome mapping?
What are you texting? Are you texting golden nuggets with every send?
>How much should I model/initiate by calling him and making plans, and communicating when we aren’t together?
Can we alternate initiating plans at this stage (I do ascribe to traditional gender norms for dating, but now we are exclusive?)?
You call and make plans whenever you feel like it. You’re currently into the game playing arena and it’s not what adults do. If you want to text him something cute, then text him. If you see an interesting event you want to go to, ask him to go with you.
>Is it too demanding to ask him to call me and say goodnight for 30 seconds rather than texting?
For me, yes. I don’t think I ever called my gf (which you’re not his yet) at night to simply say good night. Every woman I’ve dated was fine with a “Night, babe. Talk to you tomorrow!” text. But if you’re set on it, then ask. If your happiness relies on it. Ask for it.
>How can I warn him that this is a dealbreaker and grounds for me ending things if it doesn’t improve without sounding aggro? How long should I wait to have this convo?
Again, I’m still a bit confused on what you actually want from him…aside from a nightly “good night” call. But, the way you ask, is by simply asking. “I feel like you’re not as interested in me when we’re not together. It would help me feel more secure if you were a bit more inquisitive between dates”. If that’s what you’re wanting…something like that.
>Should I just accept that if this is how he is during courtship, it’s unlikely to improve, and cut my losses?
Improve?? I don’t see anything to suggest he’s doing anything lacking. Unless you get more into details it seems you’re being a bit needy and he’s just a normal guy who just became exclusive with a woman.
>I really hate feeling this anxious and hyper analytical 🙁 I do need therapy but also want someone to meet the needs I have that are approps for the stage. Thank you!
I support the idea for therapy. I feel therapy can help us all when it comes to managing expectations, taking off our blinders, tools to deal with anxiety, etc. Right now, it seems like you’re putting your anxious feelings on him. The goal is for you to not get as anxious, and if you do, know how to calm yourself on your own, instead of seeking help from others. Therapy can def help with that.
I would caution slowness. It’s not his duty to entertain you with stories via text and the engagement your looking for via text will disrupt quality time together because it’s already been discussed. Consider texts to be a gap filler for the time you have together and genuinely, if you want to talk on the phone – tell him – but ease up on the text requirements because a lot of people find it cumbersome.
Early dating is about seeing if the other person fits your wants and needs for a relationship. You might get a 15-20% accommodation but trying to force a square peg in to a round hole isn’t wise. Despite what Reddit would have you believe, communication isn’t the cure all for every interpersonal mismatch.
Personally, for me this would be too much too soon. I cant imagine being on a first date longer than 1.5 hours tops.
It sounds like some communication preferences should have been established early on. Its not too late though. Let him know things are going a little too fast for you and you want to pull back, get to know each other at a reasonable pace.. you want to have more phone communications versus text for example and what your expectations of getting together look like; once a week, twice etc.
Leave some space to miss each other and understand you each had your own life before meeting. Those individual lives should continue. I wouldn’t chase him down.
What everyone else said. Red flags on both ends. Slow your roll. Stay exclusive for safe sex but do not commit to being in a serious relationship. Go to therapy. And start watching Therapy Jeff
IMO, it’s most reasonable for you to work on yourself and soothe your attachment anxiety. Increase focus on yourself/care and decrease your focus on him/the relationship. That doesn’t mean end it. It means slow down and don’t lose yourself in it. You’ll probably learn a lot about yourself through this relationship. But you might not learn he’s “the one.”
Regarding the things you want, you can and should voice your needs…in a vulnerable and responsible way. It sounds like you’ve made one passive-aggressive attempt, which is neither vulnerable nor responsible, equating his texting style to that of an unresponsive parent. You seem to think threatening to end things could motivate him to take your needs seriously…but you don’t want to sound threatening. Two problems: 1.) this is again not vulnerable or responsible communication, and 2.) you shouldn’t want a relationship that requires threats to motivate behavior.
You’ve met someone who really excites you for one reason or another. The emergent relationship has highlighted that you have some work to do. I am NOT saying he has no work to do or that he is a perfectly equipped partner. In fact, it’s likely you’ve already put him on a pedestal and I don’t want to further idealize him. You’ve acknowledged you need therapy…and then said “but…”. No “buts,” go to therapy, so you can learn to seek out your needs in healthy ways.