We both met in university, during bachelors. I am an introvert, he is an extrovert. Though I was an introvert and still am, I had really deep, fun and meaningful friendships (bunch of 2-3 people). Even though I wasn’t the one hosting parties or actively trying to be social, it happened very naturally, since I was a part of a large circle of friends and so was my boyfriend. It was always easy to get invited to parties every week despite me not putting any effort. Socialising and having fun was always accessible.
Cut to pursuing masters. My boyfriend and I came to US. We both are in long distance relationship because we are in different states. Because he is naturally extroverted and charming, and a hustler, he is managed to find his own circle and an internship. He has a full life. Unfortunately, for me, since it has always been hard to make friends, I haven’t formed a single meaningful connection besides me roommate. Coupled with my unsuccessful job search, everything just weighs me down. I can’t seem to move on from my old, fun, carefree life. I miss those 2-3 friends who were like family to me. I tried so hard to find my people here, but no one really clicked. Better I be on my own than in the company of those I dislike.
Even though I have this attitude of being on my own, I still crave doing silly things, making memories, drinking, and going out and getting ready and curling my hair. I don’t do any of that anymore. And sometimes, I do feel depressed. I have no real life outside of my academics. And I share my feelings with my boyfriend. And I admit, sometimes, he feels like the only aspect that’s “right” in my life right now. I don’t rely on him to fulfill all my needs.
I am currently visiting my relatives and cousins here. For the first time in so many weeks, I feel like a human. I feel like I am not a failure when it comes to social interactions. I feel happy. I had wine with some cousins and felt ecstatic to feel that nice buzz. I played a board game, had some heart to heart.
I was telling how good it felt to have some family here. However, today it so happened that we all were on a road trip and I experienced motion sickness, and I was just normally talking about my day and told him that I dislike road trips and prefer chilling. I don’t know why he started saying that I make every little thing a task and is scared I have a negative attitude towards everything. Also it was getting late so he had to cut the call short and I texted him.
He basically told me that something has changed and that me missed the happier version of me he met in undergrad. My heart sank, because I wasn’t just focusing on the road trip and my motion sickness. I am genuinely happy here. I am doing everything I can within my power to improve the quality of my life. I joined a meet up group, installed bumble bff and have been spending some money on things I enjoy that I initially restricted myself from purchasing like ice cream or yummy fruits or chicken nuggets, fearing I will go over my budget.
I want to save my relationship. What else can I do? I don’t want to lose him.
TLDR: my boyfriend and I are in different stages of life and he is handling it much better than I do. He says that he misses the old, happier me. I fear this might distance us
2 comments
How long have you been in grad school? Aside from undergrad where everyone is new, any new place I moved it took me 9 months to establish new, meaningful friendships (also introverted). I was definitely depressed before those friendships were formed.
Focus on being social. Force yourself to be social and to network, even though it will be exhausting to you. Volunteer or join an organization if you don’t intern over the summer (or do this regardless). It’s a numbers game of meeting people to get you happier with yourself again – it can feel totally overwhelming but I know you can do because I did it. In the meantime, make sure you are also exercising as that can help with depression.
Nobody can read your mind. You’re in a long distance relationship, so the only insight into your life is what you tell your partner. If you have a habit of talking about negative things repeatedly, then he’s going to assume you’re an unhappy person.