Banter as in playful teasing etc.
I’ve never really enjoyed banter but I think because I did not really fit in growing up, wasn’t a particularly talented or charming or good looking guy. Maybe they did not, maybe it was in my head, but I always assumed my classmates, coworkers, etc. saw me as a loser … but I have worked very hard to improve myself – get a better career, stay in shape etc.
The upside is I feel like I have a good work ethic and try to be more accepting of others, the downside is I always feel like I need to somehow prove myself to people – like I need to do all of these things or they will not accept me.
So when people tease me or bring up embarrassing things I did years ago I will get angry – not so much being offended but more like frustrated – like I worked so much harder than these people to improve myself but they still see me as not good enough.
For example if I had to work a lot of overtime a few months and gain weight due to stress eating people might joke about. I know they are joking and will laugh along to be polite but will internally get angry because I feel like they still see me as less than them.
I guess I am trying to change this mindset but maybe because I don’t really banter with people I have trouble understanding people’s motivation in doing so and am maybe misjudging their intentions.
Maybe I am dismissing people who could potentially be a good friend due to this mindset.
4 comments
You need to just let that shit go man. The first thing is that you’re aware of the problem, which is good, the next is fully realizing that what they say or think doesn’t matter at all. It’s a battle with yourself, that’s all. Let them think you are a fool, it gives you power. When they underestimate, you will always exceed their expectations. Then you will gain such a reputation.
What you are doing is a completely natural response, but you can see how it is bottlenecking your progress. So now it’s up to you to find out if what others think is really important to you. Is it about their thoughts or your actions and progress?
Although it can be plain rude and even bullying if taken too far, banter seems to be a tool we subconsciously use to figure out how thin skinned a person is. I’m saying this as a man; and I must admit that I haven’t got a clue as to how interpersonal communication between women works (I’ve seen girls who hate each other’s guts act like they would sacrifice their firstborn for the other girl if it ever came to it; and I just don’t know how one could possibly suss out the signal with that amount of noise.)
From an evolutionary perspective, if you were a man going out to hunt wooly mammoths for your next barbeque with your mates, you wouldn’t want to bring along someone who would stomp his feet and refuse to cooperate if you teased him about that time he was caught trying to be too lovey dovey with the chief’s goat, right?
The psychology is simple:
Knowing someone well enough to make a reference that highlights them in some way and makes them feel included and validated.
People typically assume you’re either an enemy or a friend unconsciously. So if someone sees you but doesn’t know you, and you intimidate them, they will temporarily place you in the *’enemy’* category unconsciously and avoid you.
If you can do something to suggest that you’re not an enemy, like make a playful joke, they will place you in the *’friend’* category and begin looking for excuses to interact with you.
Well, is this friendly banter, or an old friend not letting you change? I can’t quite tell from what you wrote, because you said they will bring up things you did years ago.
Sometimes we get stuck in old friendships we really should be moving on from, especially if we have changed. Because most old friends will not let you change, they want to see you as you were in the beginning.
Which is great if you haven’t changed, it provides a stability for both of you. But if you remade yourself, you need new friends too be a new person with.