So my husband and I have had a wonderful, albeit average, sex life through our 10 years of marriage. We still find time for fun even with busy work lives and a 2-year-old at home. We both have wanted to branch out and try new things in the bedroom and communication has been wonderful. Through hints and direct conversation, my husband has made it clear he wants to try being the submissive and me the dominant. As much fun as some of the aspects sound, how do I change my headspace and get into “dominatrix” mode. I don’t mean the leather wearing, whip toting, knee-high boot stomping dominatrix. I just want to assert my dominance in the bedroom while fulfilling some of my husband’s fantasies. Any ladies have tips on getting into the right headspace to totally dominate and control your man around the house and in the bedroom?
8 comments
does he want you to spank him? I can give tips on that, and maybe the headspace thing.
There’s many directions you could go, but perhaps you need to have a more in depth conversation….
I feel like it’s so hard to fulfill someone else’s fantasies without specifics. Has he shown you the porn he likes? Does he even want the full ‘whips and chains’ or does he just want to feel the freedom of not making the decisions? Or does he want to feel small and cared for? Or like an animal put to work? There are so many flavors of femdom that it’s going to feel paralyzing without more details. Can you ‘order’ him to dirty talk to you about his fantasies? Sometimes starting with the kind of feeling you want to go towards is sometimes easier than a fully fleshed out role play. There are also some great NSFW femdom subreddits of all flavors – perhaps his first assignment can be to find one he likes to share with you!
Also, think about what YOU like in the bedroom (whether or not it’s his favorite) maybe things you’re already doing, and just start asking for them explicitly and expect it will be done for you. Hopefully this will get you started and as you become more confident and he opens up more you’ll find a fun way forward for both of you.
Enjoy! Finding new ways to play together is so fun and even if it turns out not to work for you just heading in a new direction can open up so many new possibilities.
Think of it this way. When he wants you to be dominant you focus on getting you off. Tell him what to do(in reason/boundaries), hold him down by his wrist/ shoulders/ chest/ arms(discuss pressures and exact points to hold), and have fun your in control. When you drive a car you control the car. When you need to become dominant control your husband. The conversation is very important so you don’t hurt his feelings or him. Just like if he tossed you around a bit you have limits.
Reading and watching erotic content in that category can get you into the mindset. Try to fantasize about what you will do to him. It also helps knowing what to do in the moment so you don’t have to constantly think about it during the act. Also implement small parts of it into your regular sex life so it becomes kind of muscle memory. In short, try to get used to it so you can focus on your mindset.
This is useful thread about learning to dom: https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/zyaqum/dom_and_life_advice/
I’d say start slowly if this is new for you both. Perhaps begin with just dirty talk describing the things that you want him to do to you. You can also get into more dominant positions while focusing on your pleasure. Face sitting is a very good example of this but it could be almost anything that interests you.
Dominance doesn’t have to mean you whip him until he’s bleeding or other extreme acts like that. It can also mean getting what you want.
Not getting enough oral? Command him to do it while you lay back and enjoy a glass of wine and your favorite show. If he stops, there’s your chance to do something aggressive like pushing his head back down or smacking his ass.
Do you love a good massage? Make him give you one while you’re partially clothed and he’s naked. If his reward is to cum after, give him a ruined orgasm.
Hopefully you’re getting the idea. Dominance can mean you are demanding the things YOU want. If you’re just doing things he wants, who is really the dominant?