M49 F 48 trying to figure it out after 18 years

Sorry for the long post. My (49M)wife and I had an argument last night during sex. Actually a couple of arguments and then finished having sex and things are a little awkward today. I am curious to hear any thoughts and if I am wrong.
My wife is very good looking at 48 years old and her confidence has been doing well since she had a tummy tuck. She works out and stays in shape. For some background she loves to give head and has gotten quite good at it. I can pretty much ask for it anytime and she is down for it. It’s pretty much the same thing for what I will call vanilla sex. Basically missionary or spooning position. She is not a huge fan of receiving oral and I love to give it. Many times when I am giving it she seems just not to be into it. And I really feel like she just wants me to cum and get it over with. I don’t mind if we were to do it that way but that is not the only sex I want every time we have sex which i would say averages about 3 times a week which I think is solid. So no complaints there.
My complaint is I feel like she is the gate keeper of the sex we will have. I feel It really doesn’t matter what I want or am in the mood for. To give you an idea we have had all sorts of sex and a lot of it mind blowing and fantastic. She does anal and when into it is very vocal and cums very hard. She text me a few weeks ago that she was embarrassed to admit it but she thinks she cums hardest from anal.
She also will do dp with toys on occasion. She enjoys toys when horny primarily just on her clit: we have a lelo that is her go to toy. She swallows and will very rarely ask me to cum on her. She also has some awesome outfits she wears that she looks amazing in and feels very sexy. When in these she will be a bit more aggressive in seeking her own pleasure which is awesome.
The trick is figuring out how and when she is going to be in this mood or willing for any of the above. We played with a suction dildo a few month ago. She spit roasted on the headboard and went insane with pleasure and moaning….and has never wanted to play with the toy again. She gets irritated when I try….but that night she was an animal.
We took to mojo upgrade quiz and all of her answers were tame and she thought we matched on everything because nothing racy came up. But it only shows matches and I knew she wasn’t going to have any outside the box stuff. As I mentioned earlier her confidence is high now but she is very self conscious and not too aggressive asking for what she wants. I felt bad we argued last night but I tried to explain that I sometimes want more then just vanilla sex. She wasn’t into me giving her head last night so I stopped. Then she got mad I stopped and we talk and discussed. Then we started again and she was getting more into it so I tried with the toys and then that turned into an argument. Finally we started again and I got her to play with herself. She rubbed her clit and then eventually fingered herself and had me taste it. All the while we were making out and I was sucking on her titties. Then she asked me to fuck her ass and we finished with some awesome anal. In my opinion mind blowing sex. But it only happened because I was upset and basically stopped and said good night twice. I don’t want to coerce her to have great sec. I want her to want it regularly.
My point is how do i know what she’s up for? Many times I will finish and all of a sudden she gets all worked up and starts playing with toys and then asking me to play with her ass and fuck her. The problem is I already finished because she likely said she didn’t want any of that additional play so I just cum.
If I were to deny having vanilla sex she would be incredibly offended and upset. but when she denies any kind of non vanilla sex it’s ok because it’s her body….. that is all fine and I agree with it but in the same sense she should not get pissed at me if I don’t want vanilla sex.
I should also mention most of the time she is in her rare form she has been drinking or had some gummies. Otherwise it’s near impossible for her to “let her hair down”.
Sorry for the long post but just curious for any insight. I love her more then anything and will just continue to deal with this but I am curious for a way around this.