Question is: should i cut my losses and move on
Those dreaded words everyone fears to hear. I(30-35m) have been talking with her (28-33f) for a couple months now. Because of work, shes been living in multiple states out of her suitcase since we ve been talking. From a big picture goal, we seem to want the same things, have the same hobbies, similar personality types. We talked about long term relationships at the beginning. Kicker is shes going to be moving in 1.5 years and has no idea where she will be moving to because it depends on where she gets her next job but it is certain this job is not offered in the state we are living. But she will be returning to our current state after a year at this temporary job.
I can feel her pulling back a little bit when we met and she asked if we can be friends first before committing. Previously we met had a really great date ended with us making out so kinda mixed signals. Normally i would say no im not in the market for a waffling wait and see game. But this is a weird situation because its the smart move on her end and i understand shes trying to feel “is this something im ready to invest in given that i will be moving away for a year in 1.5y time.” This along with her working something like 80+ hours and 24hour shifts every 3-4 days in a new city every other mo (last temp move ends this mo and she will be back here for a while) makes this a weird complicated social dynamic. I understand because shes still in medical training and i just finished my medical training so i know exactly what its like.
I understand there will always be other compatible ppl but im kinda tired of the whole getting to know someone from the ground up over and over again only to be disappointed because either i or other person isnt feeling it. Not sure if i should just stick with it and see.
19 comments
I mean, you need to do you, but if I were in your shoes, I’d wish her the best and move on. She’s moving away, she’s unwilling to commit and she seems so damn busy I have to wonder if you actually get to spend much time with her? You can be endlessly compatible in many areas, but if one of you isn’t actually *available* for the other person, compatibility means nothing. You are worried about the disappointment of having to find someone else while you bath in the disappointment of this “relationship.”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen one’s personal age expressed as a range before lol. Unless you mean you met 5 years ago ?
She doesn’t honestly seem like she’s in a place to have a serious relationship at all. Working 80 hours and investing in someone new isn’t really possible. So yeah, it’s “smart” for her to push you away, but that doesn’t mean you need to settle for this.
>”has no idea where she will be moving to because it depends on where she gets her next job but it is certain this job is not offered in the state we are living. But she will be returning to our current state after a year at this temporary job.”
The chances that your relationship, which you can’t even work on developing now),will survive a year-long seperation that is coming up next year is pretty low. If you’re tired of getting to know people when you can roll up to a bar 10 mins away to meet them, you’re going to be absolutely exhausted by what a long-distance relationship with a super busy person requires.
Maybe ask her to get in touch if she’s still interested once she’s back in the same place as you 2.5 years from now, and until then, see if you can find someone else. (…AKA I think you can find someone else)
I would put yourself in her shoes.
If you really liked someone (even if the future were unclear), would you say “let’s be friends?”. I highly doubt it. I’m sure she enjoys your company, but 1.5 years is far off into the future, and enough time, that if I liked someone, that’s plenty of time to see where the relationship goes. I’d say … be ok with a friendship or cut your losses. It really boils down to what you feel like! Don’t try and hope for something else; take her at her word for the moment.
>shes going to be moving in 1.5 years and has no idea where she will be moving to
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>her working something like 80+ hours and 24hour shifts every 3-4 days in a new city every other mo
It kind of sounds like you have to be friends first. If she’s this transient can you even date? Sexy pen pals maybe but after an 80+ hours workweek will she even have the energy to host a LDR visit? She definitely won’t have the flexibility to travel to you.
sounds like your gut is telling you to move on. If she’s working 80+ hour weeks and will eventually move away, do you see yourself maintaining that contact or moving with her? It’s hard enough to maintain a relationship in the same city or area let alone long distance.
I would get back to dating other people. If you feel like you can maintain light contact with her, fine, but if it’s too confusing just pull away. You deserve someone who enthusiastically wants to pursue things with you.
You’re the only one that can decide if that’s a dealbreaker.
If I had an amazing connection and wanted to have the person in my life, I’d be willing to at least try the friends route. There’s nothing wrong with trying and changing your mind if the situation becomes untenable for you.
i had many “friends first” which never materialized into anything – sometimes they never reach out again lol.
But you have to figure out how long “friends first” will last and while you are dating “as friends”, are you treating as dates or just hangouts? Friends dont hold hands, or kiss etc. so obviously respect boundaries.
if you like her just keep doing it but look elsewhere too.
A “friends” situation requires it to be considerably more egalitarian.
Sure, friends go out together, but they take turns planning activities, and share expenses.
See if she does that for you, as much as you do (or have done) for her.
You will see how much substance her offer of “friendship” really has, and usually pretty quickly, too.
Unless she’s offering “Friends WIth Benefits”, this is usually a soft brush-off.
Where are you in life? Are you looking for a partner and spouse? Or what could this possible relationship mean for you? Can she be what you want in a partnership? Or is there some one more suitable?
Moving on might be the best choice.
She’s not ready to be in a committed relationship, but she still wants companionship like we all do, nothing wrong with that. But it also is what it is.
You gotta realize you at best can be fwbs with her, nothing more.
Also, in a few years she’ll find someone else. Also reality. There’s nothing you can do to change this. Enjoy the time with her if she’ll take it there and keep her company on occasion while you’re single.
But if you want an ltr, then you need to find someone ltr compatible. Good luck 🍻
This person is an avoidant rolling stone. There is no long term or future with her & it certainly will not involve you.
“Friends first” after you’ve been talking for MONTHS??? Use the block button & stop wasting your time.
> im kinda tired of the whole getting to know someone from the ground up over and over again only to be disappointed because either i or other person isnt feeling it.
I mean, that’s what dating is 🤷🏼♂️
Sounds like situation isn’t right for you. You definitely can cut and run. However, make sure you’re not out there just looking for anyone. Make sure you’re out there looking for someone you *want* to be with.
Best case scenario: you stay friends, there’s a warm romantic undertone, and in a few years you’ll end up back together and life is peachy.
Most realistic scenario: this person you’ve been dating for a couple of months talking about moving in a year and a half, then *possibly maybe sort of potentially* moving back in another year (and assuming your job isn’t portable to allow you to move with them) wants to avoid the conflict of a break up and/or keep you around for convenience.
Think about it from their perspective: they’re moving in a year regardless, and they’re not going to attract many potential romantic partners until then with that looming overhead. Might as well “let’s stay friends and hang out some on my terms” rather than losing that potential social interaction, yeah?
Reality is that they are probably stringing you along, OP, and once in the new city (with a fresh career and being done with medical training) they’ll hit the ground running in the dating scene as their schedule allows. It’s too early for them to seriously consider keeping this budding relationship going years and career/location moves down the line, so they’re just wanting you available at their convenience until then.
To be honest, if anyone on the dating app suggested “being friends first” to me, I quite frankly feel like I’m put into the friendzone or potentially backup pile. Which, I quite frankly am not interested in. I rather they reject me and down the road, we could see if we wanted to try again if fate brings us together again, as I’m not going to wait for them. So no, I’d say no to being friends. If you meet someone organically, it’s different. We’re on the apps to see if we’re a fit… I’m not here to make friends lol. I have friends outside of these apps! 😂
People will do things for their own best interest. You need to do what’s best for you, even if it hurts. From my perspective, being friends is a safe option and back burner for her. But for you, it’s like a horrible option. For you, you should decide what’s best for you. Which I don’t think is being friends. You deserve someone who will be with you at this moment and give you the best! Not a friend who will see if it works out.
go with the girl who likes you, not the girl you like. girls tend to move pretty quickly wanting a commitment…….if they are really into you. girls will push for commitment under the most irrational circumstances if they are really into you. take that as ya will
Are you looking for a friend or a girlfriend?
It sounds too complicated. If you agree to friendship with hopes that it turns into more, you may miss out on another connection. Move on to someone else.
My guy friend has only been in relationships with women he was friends with first. But I dont think u should have that expectation, it just happens.
Sounds like a very annoying person to date tbh.
Leave it behind