TL;DR: women keep lying to me about things that are important.
Not exactly a relationship situation, but a general question about dating.
Dear woman, maybe you can explain to me why every girl i have talked to romantically lied to me.
So i have started looking for a romantic connection or relationship since late last year, so I am pretty new in the whole dating scene (Turning 20 soon). Every girl i have had a meaningful connection so far has kept something from me.
I have gone through the fazes of trust and communication enough for them to tell me about things about them or in their lives that most would consider deal breakers or that I personally would. Every “relationship” i have been in so far has lasted for about 2-3 weeks, and has passed the “I love you” stage, where we start saying it to each other. In every single one they have kept things from me until they felt like they had me locked down, and they would get surprised when I would show that i have enough self-respect to call it quits there. Or even trying to villianise me by making it seem like I’m the bad guy for joking back at them.
As an example, there was a girl that I have talked to a lot about the passing of my mother and how much i was scared of loosing people, to which she did not tell me that her heart can stop at any moment, and only told me after the fact i got extremely attached to her. So then she posed the question of if i want to stay with her, to which i responded with “I do, but I’m scared”. She turned that into me being untruthful and using that as a “I don’t like you anymore”, she was implying that i was lying to her to get her off my back. And i could not convince her that i was being truthful.
Thank you for reading all this, I hope I can get an answer, because it has been bothering me a lot, and if it is something I’m doing wrong i am very willing to correct it, self improvement is something I strive for. Again, thank you. 🙂
8 comments
I mean, anyone’s heart could stop at any moment. Not really sure what this means. If someone was telling me about how they lost their mom, I wouldn’t be like “fyi, I could die at any moment.”
I think it depends on what these lies are. No one is required to disclose info to you after 2-3 weeks of meeting them. Are they not disclosing a secret child they had years ago? Or not disclosing they failed college algebra twice? Or something in between?
I would explore the idea that you might be reading malice into actions when there is no malice. I would also consider that you might be getting too emotionally attached to these women too quickly. You need to get to know someone before you can form a real bond like that, and you can’t really know someone after a few weeks.
If these women really are being malicious, then you may want think about why you’re attracted to people like that. Maybe the way you’re meeting people isn’t conducive to the type of person you want to meet.
It seems like you are a sensitive person, and I don’t see these women lying to you, I see them choosing not to disclose things that you find important. That is not a lie.
I can also say that wherever you are finding these women, it doesn’t seem to be working out for you very well. Is there another way that you can find women to date? Have you considered a matchmaker? That might be a great option for you, they screen potential partners for the things that you are interested in.
> She turned that into me being untruthful and using that as a “I don’t like you anymore”, she was implying that i was lying to her to get her off my back
So what you are saying is that she Gaslit you, twice, and then used that in anger to in the relationship. I’m sorry that these things hurt when she said them, but she does not seem like a very nice person to me. Gaslighting is not very nice at all.
Your attitude is a bit weird. By your own admission, none of these “relationships” has lasted more than a few weeks. People don’t just dump everything about themselves at the drop of a hat with someone new. It takes time to open up. That’s not lying, that’s normal. But it sounds like you tend to move way too fast. So maybe just ease up and go for different people than you have previously. After all, the common denominator here is you.
I mean the “i love you phase” happening within 2-3 weeks is way early.
Someone having a medical condition doesn’t owe you those details until they are ready.
Perhaps you are lacking some understanding of what is typical in relationships and aren’t going into it with realistic expectations.
You also seem a bit intense, and often people will lie when they don’t feel like they can tell the truth without a bad reaction from the other person. Could that be why some people aren’t being up front with you?
“In every single one they have kept things from me until they felt like they had me locked down, and they would get surprised when I would show that i have enough self-respect to call it quits there.”
I’m not seeing a single example of a lie. A lie is a direct statement like “I am in college” that is untrue (if the person who said it is not in college). I’m also not seeing much evidence of disingenuous behavior or even withholding important information for a significant amount of time. That would be something like hearing a potential partner say, “I want kids someday” and them then responding “that’s nice, I bet you’d be a good parent” while knowing they both cannot have and do not want to have children. I’m also not seeing evidence of malicious withholding or statements meant to obscure the truth, which would be something more like saying “I’ve never tested positive for an STI” when they have also just never been tested.
Nor is the example you give something that a partner has to tell you within just a few weeks of knowing you. That heart condition is personal medical information and just a few weeks into dating is really none of your business whatsoever. I’m surprised you are categorizing this as something “most would consider deal breakers” because someone who actually loved that person wouldn’t see it as a reason not to be with them and many people are on board with dating partners who have some sort of chronic conditions they are regularly getting treatment for.
It sounds like part of the problem is that you are getting attached way way too soon. 2-3 weeks is not enough time to know that you love someone (or even know someone) and to be exchanging “I love yous” (before I get downvotes and annecdotal stories I will say that some people know soon after meeting a potential partner that that potential partner is someone they could potentially someday fall in love with and build a life with, but that is different than loving them 2 weeks in). So, because you’re getting overly attached, you’re expecting the other person to act like they are in a much more committed and long-term relationship than they actually are. Then you’re getting really hurt when the common dealbreakers and incompatibles become apparent at the normal pace of most relationships.
Not to mention, someone else who is getting that attached just a few weeks in, probably has some instability that is going to go alongside other less than desirable traits.
Unless you are explicitly saying that X, Y, or Z are dealbreakers for you from day one, it is irrational to expect any potential partner to read your mind and know that X, Y, and Z are dealbreakers that they need to be upfront about during the first couple dates/ within less than a month of meeting you. Similarly, the idea that women are supposed to disclose everything potentially relevant to you upon meeting so that you can filter them out before developing any sort of attachment is problematic. Because often that means disclosing private or personal information before trust has been established or that means disclosing all sorts of things that may or may not be relevant very fast. Again, it’s not on these women to psychically divine what you will and will not care about.
What you’re describing sounds a lot like asking people to bond with you by sharing parts of themselves that may be personal, private, or traumatic upon just meetings you. Most people will walk away, some will handle it poorly (by avoiding those subjects they aren’t ready to speak about) and others will overshare (but that’s a whole different issue).
The example you give is a little absurd. You were sharing something intimate and emotional about your mother’s health and your own anxieties. It would have been socially inappropriate for her to recenter the conversation on her own health at that moment. Even if she was considering disclosing at that moment you likely put her on the spot in a way that was uncomfortable. If you want people to be open and honest with you then you need to also work to create a space where they do feel comfortable sharing things without their own fears and anxieties in the mix. Also, if your fear of losing people is so significant that you cannot handle a relationship with someone who may one day die, you need to be in therapy before entering a relationship since anyone you date could drop dead at any point from any number of things. Her response, afterwards, if you’ve recounted it accurately is problematic, but I’m not seeing where she lied to you or deliberately mislead you.
I strongly suggest that you actually think about what are and are not dealbreakers for you. Make a list, if it helps. Then run it by several trusted people in your life and ask if these things are also dealbreakers for them (I suspect you’ll realize some are common and some are individual to you). Think about (and ask those trusted people) when, while dating, is the right time to ask someone directly about those dealbreakers. Some of them may be things you can ask about before the first date even, others may be things that you might need to wait a couple months to find out about and expect a truthful, thoughtful, and nuanced answer. Ask other people what, if anything, would help them feel safer sharing about some of the more personal things with a new partner. Then go slower while dating. Stop expecting to know everything about another person or be entitled to know everything just a few weeks in. If you do directly ask someone about a potential dealbreaker and they lie to your face, then that’s when you can say you’ve been lied to so much. But until then, recognize that you are never going to know everything about another person, especially someone you’ve just met. It’s not actually possible for someone to disclose every single thing about them in just a few weeks and asking someone to disclose certain things early on is asking someone to pretend to a level of intimacy and trust that probably isn’t established yet. Which is going to make most emotionally healthy people run and make most emotionally unhealthy people engage in unhealthy behaviors to cope.
Dating is about getting to know someone and finding out if you are or are not compatible. You should fully expect to not know for sure with some people until you’re more than a few months in. So you have to be open to the possibility that you may get attached to someone, start to like them, and then discover incompatibilities. That’s how this works and it doesn’t mean they set out to deceive you or waited until you were “locked down.” It just means that it takes time for people to get to know each other and build a relationship.
Rushing things won’t help get you there any faster when it comes to developing a relationship. If someone is overly available and getting attached to you too quickly, that says a lot about them too and you should see that as a red flag. I think the commonality is probably that you’re finding people who move as quickly as you which is also, sometimes, going to go alongside other unhealthy behaviors.
You’re saying I love you to every girl within 2-3 weeks 🤣🤣🤣
My god, where do I even start? That length of time is not enough to “lock someone down” to any degree. The first weeks are so utterly about getting to know each other and opening up bit by bit and yes, we pick a time we feel is appropriate or right to reveal something new about ourselves, especially if it’s intimate.
That’s not “lying”. You can’t possibly expect us to believe you unload your entire life and all your secrets, flaws and good and bad bits so quickly, and if you do, perhaps you need to put the brakes on. The only one I feel you’re justified with would be the girl with a serious health condition who should have given you a heads up simply because you should be aware in case something happens – but even then, it wasn’t lying, or some massive conspiracy to make you get attached so you wouldn’t leave.
But telling every single girl “I love you” within that time and getting a response? Tells me that both you and every one of those girls are incredibly immature and don’t have the self-respect you claim.
You might have Asperger. (Not a joke, not meant as an insult)
It’s absolutly okay to be different. But you got to understand, that you are different. Life is hard. Finding a partner is hard. And when you are different, it is even harder. God loves you. You might actually be one of his favorite idiots and he has a great plan for you. Just keep trying. Everything is practice. Dating and dealing with people is too.
You might want to read Dale Carnegies Book “How to make friends and influence people”. It’s a good start.
If you are really into improving yourself, join a local pick-up-artist community. I know, that this advice is going to trigger a lot of people, but it actually works and helps. If that is too much, then get a sales job. Even if you are really bad at it, you will learn a lot. Everything is practice. Everything. Not being “lied” to is also practice. And by the way, it’s not just women. Everyone “lies” all the time.
And by the way, I feel your pain. I like honesty and truth. I wish you the best.
My heart can stop any minute, but if you ask the doctors, they say it’s a very rare chance and my condition is not at all worrying.
Anyway, people are mortal unexpectedly. Anyone can die any minute, we just all pretend like it’s not the case. So it’s very weird thing you consider a lie.