I’m 23 years old now, in the US, and have found myself in a seemingly endless stream of short term, one-sided relationships. Nobody calls me, not even my family, nobody texts me, messages me, wants to hang out, etc. The only messages i get are from work.
I smile, make eye contact, tell jokes and get laughs, ask people about themselves, have even gone out of my way to invite others out to meals and such but ultimately everything ends the say way, with radio silence. I refuse to be the only one who carries relationships on my back because I get nothing from them, they just suck the life force from me.
I just want one of those friendships or romantic relationships I hear people talk about. I want someone to reach out to me first, to tell me they want to spend time with me, I want to get lost in conversation with someone and then suddenly it’s been hours, but Instead I’m alone. I feel like a freak everywhere I go, I just don’t fit in, and nobody cares about me. If I disappeared off the face of the earth nobody would notice for weeks and once they did they wouldnt care much, why is it so hard just to get people to care about you? Why do I have to work on my self day after day, year after year just for scraps? The loneliness I feel from never having been able to connect with anyone is going to kill me.
37 comments
Awww i’m so sorry u feel that way. this may not mean much but maybe try to learn how to love ur own company? when i used to feel lonely i learned to enjoy the peace and having the freedom to do what i want. The right friends will come along without ur effort but for now, enjoy the silence because i hate having friends 😭
I felt this same way for at least 5 years and what really helped me and may help you is, if you live in a place that allows it, to get a dog, care for that dog, train that dog, be that dogs best friend and it will be yours, unconditionally. Sure I was still lonely for some time when I first got the dog but it’s not the same type of loneliness because with a dog you have purpose and you are somebody’s reason to be happy even if it’s not a human, the constant self pity the dire loneliness they were no longer at the forefront of my mind because I knew now that even though I’m not another persons reason to be happy that I can do what I can to give that dog the best life to make sure it’s happy which In turn made me more happy which In turn made me feel less lonely all the time which In turn lowered my anxiety which In turn eventually made it easier for me to go out there and TRY to make some human friends because I knew that even if that failed that I’d still have my companion at home patiently waiting to greet me with a big ‘ol slobbery smile on their face and a happy tail, and really for me anyways that’s all it took. Idk I’m not much of Typer but I hope maybe this idea can help you as much as it helped me.
These posts sadden me so much as a mom. I don’t think loneliness is discussed enough tbh. I will say I have looked back and romanticized a lot of friendships that I didn’t have (that I thought I wanted). What about social groups like meetup.com? Perhaps ppl with similar interests is the way to go? Staying busy with your favorite interests is a good distraction and often along the way you may make some better connections. Sorry if my suggestions aren’t great but I’m certain plenty of ppl care but unfortunately society has changed so much in terms of true bonding and connections.
You have to care about you. We’re all alone
I don’t think I have the words to express what you put so eloquently, but I resonate so deeply with them. I echo the commenter that mentioned having an animal as a companion, my dog Marlow makes me feel like I exist when I feel invisible. That alone doesn’t necessarily make the loneliness less lonely. I don’t know the answer to this. But one thing I do know is that for a long time I valued friendship above all other relationships in my life, most dangerously the relationship I have with myself. I’ve been a people pleaser all my life and have finally begun to question why I try so hard for people who don’t seem to notice or value me. And as I’ve reflected on this, my motivations have started to shift. It’s not that I don’t feel lonely when I’m alone, but I’ve resolved to enjoy my own company rather than waste it on someone who doesn’t seem to be interested in me or my company at all. I’d rather read the books I enjoy, listen to the music I love, go for long walks uninterrupted, and frankly do whatever the hell brings me joy and fulfillment. And there is a lot of pleasure in that once you stop to realize it. I have faith that I’ll meet people in my life that get me and I’ll recognize them immediately and appreciate for however long they’re around, but until then…I just try to do what makes me feel good inside and focus on that. Wishing you peace my friend!
I’m in the same boat. Its terrible
Harsh reality is that we came in this world alone and we are going out of this world alone. I used to chase friendships, relationships etc but I literally have given up. I can’t be bothered having small talks, fake smiles and putting in energy to know people.
I have made mu peace with it, I am not really happy about it I am saving disappointments and my energy. I am alright.
I relate. Online friends were one way I addressed this. I got around 4 who I would call true friends.
Your feelings are totally valid and I feel you! I think you need to do a deep dive into why you’re failing to connect. (since you’re the common denominator, this happens wherever you go) Maybe start with the family — what’s going on with them? Has it never been a close family? Do they have any trouble connecting? Was there any trauma? Can they give you any insight into why YOU don’t connect?
Then on to your history. Have you ever had friends? When did the difficulty connecting first become apparent? Do you have any friends today, even ones you don’t talk to that often? Would they be willing to be honest with you?
Loneliness is a way bigger problem in society than anyone wants to admit.
No matter how much you work on yourself, there is a certain point when you find out that a lot of people aren’t looking for connection. Maybe they don’t want it, maybe they’re terrified of it, maybe they don’t believe in it, maybe they don’t have room for it… doesn’t really matter why.
But there are people out there for you, even if they are very difficult to find. “Rare” is not the same thing as “nonexistent.”
You just can never give up. A big part of it is luck, and you’re playing a numbers game. The more people you meet, the better chance you’ll click with one of them. You will probably be rejected a lot in the process, but you don’t have to care. Learn what you can from your mistakes, then move on. It’s fine to take breaks or whatever if you need to, but don’t let yourself say things like “nobody will ever choose me” or “I’ll never connect with someone.” You just haven’t found them *yet*.
It’s the only thing that I know works. Being stubborn and choosing to try even though you have every reason not to. Maybe you’re about to meet your soul mate next year, but you’d never know if you don’t try.
Read the book “Platonic” by Franco. The author does an amazing job of outlining the steps to finding platonic friends who will grow to care about you.
welcome to the club, literally everyones life. some people are just better at decorating it with meaningless frivolity or get immersed in the social aspects. figure out what gives you meaning, pursue it and, maybe, you’ll meet the right people.
I feel like you as well I am in the same boat, I feel like no one cares about me, I also haven’t gotten a relationship before, and I am 23 years old. I think what we can do is to just reach out to anyone who would listen and hopefully these feelings can at least be out there in the world, and you will feel at least a little better that there are people willing to help at least marginally or maybe being a little spiritual might help.
This isn’t going to be a fun comment, so prepare yourself. None of this is meant to be insulting. It’s meant to give a different perspective.
Are you enjoyable to be around? That doesn’t just mean you can make people laugh or interact properly with people. Are you comfortable to be around? Are you interesting? What about you is interesting, and why would do you believe people should want to engage with you? Are you too passive? Are you inconvenient to hang out with? Do you smell bad? Are you genuine when you interact with people? Do you encourage people to be themselves? Do you make people feel safe? Do you only engage in small talk? Are you a good person? How often are the things you say negative compared to positive?
Again, none of these are meant to be insulting, they’re simply things that everyone should consider. I definitely have not been socially fit in my life. It took me a while to figure out how to find my place in society. I’m fucking weird, and I was always aware of it. I thought I didn’t fit in because of other people. The reality is, I didn’t fit in because I didn’t make myself fit in. Now I am unabashedly myself, whether people like it or not, and it’s their problem to deal with. I’m here, and I’m weird.
The last question I posed (how often are you negative?) is a super important one. I didn’t realize how negative I was when I was younger. It took me a while to balance my negative thoughts with positive ones, and vocalize the positive ones the most while only being negative when it was necessary. It is something that negative/cynical people don’t notice, even while it eats away at their relationships. If you’re saying 2 negative things for every 1 positive thing, you’re going to either attract negative people or drive away people who aren’t. Are you doing this? I have no idea.
You know though. And all of the questions I posed can only be answered, honestly by you.
With all that said. Keep looking for friends. It’s not easy. You won’t find many, especially if you’re weird. It takes a lot of work to get yourself into a pocket of society where people appreciate you. You’re also very young. 23 is a few years before your stupid child brain starts to unwind and it matures where you’re nor an idiot (in general).
Do you have any hobbies? If you do, how do you leverage those to get out of your house and daily routine to nurture those hobbies and skills? If you paint, go to a local art gallery or paint store and hangout there. Talk to the owner, or people buying stuff you were eyeing. You never know where you’ll meet someone who is cool and worth talking to. Make the effort to get their number and contact them with minimal conversational commitment. “hey, have you ever seen (some artist you like)?” or ask about their favorite, but don’t turn it into 1001 questions, or you only talking.
I’m literally feeling this way right now. All you have is you. Take care of yourself. I know it’s hard. There are days where my mind kind of wanders but then I’m back. Most people are selfish and kinda suck. You kind of have to be superficial and extremely ignorant to look over things. It is what it is. Hang in there.
Hey I care about you. Hang in there man. It will get better.
I’m 38, and no one checks in on me. We have a couple of group chats, and I get emoji responses, but that’s about it. People are busy. Plus I don’t go out of my way to be the center of attention, nor am I going out of my way to give attention to others. So I get what I give. Plus my interests don’t involve drinking, so no more party invites. We’ll go camping once in a while, but that’s about it. I sometimes miss high school days, had so many friends so many things to do, but then again we all went to same school, did same dumb stuff, and no one had to pay rent.
My suggestion is find an activity that requires multiple participants. Go take improv, learn to dance, learn to sculpt/paint. Go learn an instrument, start a weekend band. Work on yourself to feel good about yourself, don’t do it in hopes to impress others. People like confident and busy people, why would anyone spend their precious energy on anyone that doesn’t make them feel better? Are you walking up to the sad looking person at work and trying to lift their spirits?
[nothing personal, no body likes you when you’re 23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7l5ZeVVoCA)
Bro, I think you should try to learn to love yourself. Good people will come to you if they see that you’ve loved yourself. Think about it: if you love yourself, you don’t need anyone else to love you. I’m not saying it’s easy, it’s hard to do this bro. But if you keep trying, I promise, based on my experience, it gets easier. And then the coolest thing happens, people start finding you. And calling you. And wanting to be your friend.
I hope this helps bro. Much love and stay up ok! 🙂
Are you a boy or girl?
Join the club.
And I realized long ago that it was probably for the best.
Instead of waiting for the call to come to you, try reaching out yourself. Maybe they’re are waiting for a call just like you. Sometimes you just gotta put yourself out there and talk to people. Always say hello to people when you pass by acknowledge people when standing in line say hi, people will talk about anything just about everywhere you never know who you may meet and end up becoming friends. Kindness , sincerity, and a funny joke or observation can completely take having to break the ice or whatever.
If you have an open mind with a positive energy you will notice others are drawn to that positive feel good energy. People want to feel good. You want to feel good. You have to feel good because you feel good yourself. Have an attitude of gratitude and you will find that being thankful for what you have already that it is hard to be upset at the same time. Just be grateful, be kind and kindness will find you. Appriciates other people, they will remember the kindness they felt also. Making other people feel loved or helping others in turn makes you feel good. Positive energy put out what u seek in return be gracious always.
We are blessed to wake up each day. It’s a gift. .love life people will find you
A lot of your responses come across very bitter and victimy- if you’re giving off that vibe IRL, that could be part of the problem. I like to spend time with people who are comfortable with themselves out in the world.
Although I had some phone calls with my family members, when I was in my 30’s I was living alone several states away and had no friends and no job. I eventually got a job, but didn’t socialize outside of work with anyone. I decided to start talking to people everywhere I went (e.g., in line at the grocery, while walking my dog, seated next to someone on a plane). That may be easy for some people, but it was uncomfortable and challenging for me. One day I started a conversation with a person in a waiting area about a newspaper article I was reading. We’ve been married for over 20 years now. I’ve come to realize that I’m good at being in a deeply committed relationship and learned to be good at brief social interactions, but I’ll never be a person who has lots of close friends because I really don’t want that. Do you want to be closer to your family? Have you told them that? Do you put yourself in situations where you can meet people? Do you have repeated contact with people outside of work like in a club, class, or service group? I see you have a cat, but dog walking with an attractive and friendly dog is a great way to meet people. I know it’s frustrating, It was for me too, but trust that you are a good person, worthy of being a good friend and companion. Be the friend you want to have . Eventually people will see that and value you.
Im also 23 and honestly that’s just life
Reading through your post it does seem like there’s a bit of the mentality of “I did x. why didn’t y happen?” But with things like self growth it’s usually more helpful in the personal and indirect benefits vs something more direct. An example might be exercising – there are direct health benefits and often you meet a lot of people through things like weight training/team and combat sports, etc. but it wouldn’t be common to have the expectation that you “lift weights to make lifelong friends”
One pivot that may help is to not focus so much on achieving the depth but finding ways to connect with others broadly and then figuring out a) whether there’s room for any growth and b) if they have the qualities that you’re looking for as well. So something where you’re starting with the right environment and then figuring out what’s there versus going in even if subconsciously hoping that for friendship/relationship each person is the one. That’s a lot of pressure on anyone and also yourself, and in many cases the things you’re looking for aren’t going to be in one person. Even in terms of conversation since people are interested in different things.
In terms of feeling like a freak and not necessarily fitting in – it is a common feeling. But it also might be worth figuring out what makes you feel that way, what those things are and whether you’re stifling the good things about who you are? If it’s something like turning everything to an extreme political argument that’s one thing but it could also be diff interests/not being who you are, etc. That depth in a relationship imo happens over time and requires some openness about who you are, but trying to fit in too much can also make that difficult.
How about calling up the people you’ve felt this disappointment with, and asking them? They’ll be the best to answer, if you can persuade them to. e.g.:
“Hey, I’ve tried to become better friends with you by inviting you to blah and blah, but you don’t seem to be interested in reciprocating. I don’t want you to feel bad about that, I’m just trying to learn if I’m doing something that is making you or others uncomfortable. I don’t want to keep doing it if it means people won’t want to hang out with me, so you’ll be doing me a favour if you can give me any pointers. Do you have any advice for me?”
It’s just an idea, people usually find it difficult to say something negative about a person directly to the person, even if they might need to hear it, but everyone loves giving advice, even if they have no clue what they’re talking about. The more people you’ll call the better picture you’ll get of what’s going on.
You have nothing to lose, and maybe you’ll get lucky. The best outcome would be these people seeing that you’re genuinely trying to better yourself, and may even see it as a signal to invite you to something again (but don’t expect that).
As someone who is extremely content being alone, yet gets invited out to do stuff. Try to be content spending time yourself, take yourself out alone to the cinema, restaurant or some activity and truly try to enjoy it and not always be upset about the fact there’s nobody else with you.
Self confidence will grow this way and you may start attracting other people, sometimes when people give off a desperation vibe then it’s off-putting. If you’re chill and happy either way then it’s a win win situation.
Also don’t romanticise these friendships and relationships, losing yourself in a conversation for hours is rare for anyone and doesn’t happen often, everyone is driven by time and life is so much in a rush now due to this on demand living and ADHD driven brains thanks to smartphones.
Have a long walk in nature without your phone and appreciate the beauty and stop chasing this idea of needing other people to be happy
It’s a damn shame that on a sub called socialskills hardly anyone gives advice on social skills. Like, it’s good to love yourself but it doesn’t mean anything if you come across as arrogant and ignorant simply because of poor social skills.
People mostly care about themselves and to make them care about you, you need to become a somewhat important part of their lives. To do that, it’s often already enough to be a good listener and fun to be around. You don’t actually need to be interesting or have an exciting life yourself, you simply need to be interested in them so they want to talk to you about everything that’s going on with them. Often times, they eventually ask you about yourself aswell sometimes even just out of politeness. Remember to never tell extremely long storys that have nothing to do with them or is really not interesting to them, because then they will quickly become bored.
Also definitly read about charisma. I read an article about an old patient that everyone wanted to be around, other patients and hospital staff alike. Why? Because he was so charismatic.
The 3 main parts of charisma are confidence, warmth and presence. To be confident, you have to feel comfortable with yourself and not be insecure about anything, but there is more to it and it’s not that easy to be truly confident. Warmth means being happy and fun. Noone likes a negative attitude, also smile alot and make sure everyone else is having fun aswell. To be present means listening actively. Care about what they have to say as much as they care about it and go into details with them. Never be distracted or bored and make sure they don’t get the feeling that you are.
I could write alot more about charisma, but there are entire books about it so maybe it’s best if you just read some yourself, I believe it would help you alot. Also if you ever see a person that is really charismatic, befriend them immediatly. For one, it’s easy, but they can also teach you alot if you simply observe them.
I feel you so much more than I’d normally care to admit. I’m also 23 and mostly alone. But not too long ago, I came to a strange conclusion that actually ended up helping me come to terms with this mindset. I knew I’d always end up alone, no matter how hard I try, and that I should learn to love my own presence more than anyone else’s
I would make it so that having people around is solely supplemental to my satisfaction.
It took a *very* long time (2-3 years?), but once it clicked, it stuck with me. Funnily enough, not too long after I realized it was working, one of my friends developed a crush on me and we’ve been dating for a few months. I still spend most of my time alone, and I reach out whenever I feel like talking to people. This helps with my social needs, but I still provide myself most of my company. There’s now a few people that hit me up first, but it’s mostly still rare. But that’s okay. You’ll still get lonely sometimes but you’ll be alright. I promise you it can be better.
Tl;dr I am very sleepy and rambled lol. Loneliness does suck but it can be beneficial as well. Good luck to you
It’s okay to be vulnerable to your friends and family. Ask for help, ask for advice, ask for a friend to rant to. We constantly bemoan ourselves for not being able to realize when a friend or family is struggling. We need to realize the opposite is true.
I’ve been in your predicament for so long in the past and have only recently figured it out myself. I started by just messaging a friend to see if he wanted to hop on discord so I could rant. It turned out to be great because he’s been wanting someone to rant to as well.
I messaged an old friend who I haven’t talked to in years asking for advice in a field she’s an expert in and I’m struggling with. She was more than happy to help and occasionally reaches out to see how I’m progressing.
Previously I used to feel very guilty for ever asking for anything and I always used to have this fear of not looking like everything was okay. I still do have those feelings and have slowly been getting over it. What’s helped me the most is that when you let yourself be vulnerable you gift the opportunity to help to your friends, so it’s an equal exchange and you shouldn’t feel guilty. In both cases I talked about earlier, I’m pretty confident my friends feel happy that I’m asking them for help. Since I’d be happy to help them too.
Unfourtunately i feel that is very much being an adult it just becomes harder too make friends its not like when your younger. i know ita not that simple but it does happen i noticed as you get older
All of this self-improvement work, don’t do it for the others to like you, they won’t appreciate it and it will not fulfill you (and it might come off as needy – just a guess); do it for yourself, explore your mind, find out what’s exciting for *you*, something you could get lost in. Don’t depend on others for happiness; once you’re there, things will change. You’re still young, you’ll find somebody, probably an outsider as well, and it’ll be precious.
P.S. Dogs are great companions and also people magnets. If you’re a dog person, definitely get one.
Love is not transactional. Nothing you do will make people love you. Love is where someone gives to you for the sake of raising you up. If you try to seek love by what you can do for other people, you will attract people who will use you. To find love, hold back on what you give. Don’t try to people please. Don’t worry about if they like you. Shift the focus from getting their approval to whether you like them – ask them about themselves, listen well.
The users will leave when they realise you they can’t get much out of you.
The people who love will appreciate the interest you’ve shown in them and stick around for a longer time.
I feel this post deeply. The reason ‘no one cares about you’ is that people are deeply self absorbed, they are too busy with their own lives and issues
We live in an world with growing loneliness problem. Just know you’re not alone. I think it’s harder on men since they don’t quite bond with each other the way women do. It could also make it harder if you look intimidating as a man.
Don’t let it get you down. Let it motivate you. As the Stoics say, the obstacle is the way. Be the one the initiates conversations, who connects with people, until you eventually find the ones who stick. Put in some effort but at the same time don’t try too hard. If you’re chasing someone, it probably means they’re running away. It’s a numbers game. The ones who are a good match will stick around with minimal effort.
Sometimes when we are very lonely and sad, it becomes hard to imagine anyone wants anything to do with us, so we don’t try at all, or assume the worst. “They don’t like me,” we may tell ourselves when in reality who knows what’s going on in their heads or what the issue is. Don’t see yourself as the problem. You’re not.
All you can do is try your best, be friendly and sociable, always strive to improve. And everything will fall into place in time.
Good luck, my friend. Just know what you’re feeling is felt by many of us. You’re not alone.
I get you so very much. I’m in a similar boat. Stubborn and proud, too.
You sound like a good person. If that’s how you approach it, ultimately, you’ll find someone (and some-many) you will click with very much, they’ll take care of you the way you take care of them. Don’t settle for people who don’t care about you, it’s my mistake that I live to regret every day I keep in contact with these people.