My boyfriend is homesick. I am a 28-year-old female and I just moved in with my boyfriend of 3 years who is 31 years old. This is his first time leaving home and he is having trouble settling into his new environment.
He has never left home before, he had always lived at home with his mom and brothers and in the last 6 months before we moved in together he was living with his dad. He has never lived on his own and never left home for university either.
We have only been living together for a month now and he is struggling emotionally. He complains about everything, is very moody, and has trouble sleeping and getting out of bed. He is currently looking for a job but isn’t very serious about finding one.
I found him a job by fixing his CV and making the application. I basically begged him to attend the interview, they are likely to offer him the position and I’m worried he might not take it. He is already complaining about the role and was angry with me for applying for the job without his permission. I fixed his CV and applied for the job he told me he is hoping to get. We are currently living off my salary.
I am trying to be understanding and patient with him. Everyone is telling me to be patient and understanding including his mother.
I didn’t know it was going to be this difficult for a 32-year-old man to adjust to living away from his family. I can’t relate, I’m tired and I don’t know what to do. How much longer should I be patient, I’m mentally exhausted and have to walk on eggshells around him.
He told me that if he can’t settle in the next 3 to 6 months that he will leave and go back home. In our home right now I’m forbidden from talking about the future like going on a holiday in the summer, starting a family, or getting a mortgage. The topic makes him anxious and he insists he can’t promise me anything. A few nights ago I told him I’m tired of waiting for him to up and leave me any day. I told him he could leave and go back home to his mom or dad. He was very upset and cried for like two hours saying he doesn’t want to leave me and can’t live without me.
In case you are wondering, he didn’t move abroad or thousands of miles to be with me. He only moved 7.2 miles away, his home is a little island next to where we currently live. it will take him a 10 minutes boat ride and 20 minutes train ride to go home to his mother.
I don’t know how I missed this during the last 3 years of our relationship. He was always over at mine while we were dating, he often spend half of the month with me.
TL:DR I am not sure what kind of advice I’m hoping to get but I’m just putting this out here in case anyone has been in my shoes or his shoes in the past. What was your experience and how did you move pass it? I love him and I want to help him. So
13 comments
Does he even help around the house?
He needs therapy. In my opinion there are 2 types of people who live at home until they are 32.
1. Jerks who want everything done for them. Yet, he seems to be willing to help out.
2. Someone with severe anxiety or other mental health issues.
If he’s struggling emotionally like you said, he probably has untreated mental health problems.
You have long stopped being his partner and are already basically his new mom. Mothers are the ones who do stuff for their kids. The moment you were the one applying for a job for him, it should have been clear to you that you two are not partners. He is not your equal or your teammate.
He doesn’t want this job. He just told you he wanted it without truly wanting it and so, he’s now upset and doesn’t want to commit. I’m not saying that this might not be depression speaking, but: No one is at fault for getting a mental health issues, but dealing with it (or deciding not to) is a responsibility. If he decides to ignore his issues by rejecting therapy and/or medication, then that is his choice.
This relationship thus has basically no chance. He isn’t willing to put in the work to fix his issues to try to become a) a good partner and b) your equal. He’s totally fine with you shouldering the bills. Sure, you get upset at him and do things like applying for the job he doesn’t really want, but in the end, there are no consequences – after all, you didn’t leave him, you just told him that he could leave if he wanted. That’s an offer, not a consequence.
That said, some people are just the happiest when they are where they were born. I live an hour away from my old hometown and have to for health reasons, but I wish I could go back. I’m living here for longer now than I ever lived in my hometown. My apartment is so much nicer than the small room I grew up in. Living on my own is awesome. But it still isn’t “home”. But even if he is like me, it still doesn’t justify him treating you like a mother by making you pay for everything. He might be in a tough spot – not happy without you, not happy with you since he is unhappy not living at home, so there’s no way to “win” – but that doesn’t give him the right to drag you down with him.
You said you have a child from a prior relationship. Well, now you have basically two kids you have to care for. And unless you stop letting your partner essentially be your kid, that’s how it seems it will remain.
He needs therapy; if he will do it, the relationship is still salvageable. If not? You gotta plan to get out of it.
Ship that boy back to his actual mother
This doesn’t sound like mental health issues, if he was fine and functioning before he moved in with you. It just sounds like difficulty adjusting to being a full grown adult who is responsible for everything instead of living at home with parents who take care of everything and they just have to worry about work/school/themselves.
He just needs to grow up a little. I can understand being homesick if he had really moved far away, but being able to take a day trip to see your parents and calling it homesick is not normal. And he’s having trouble with all this because he waited too long to fully grow up, and it’s harder to change the older you get. I’m not one for tough love, but he just needs to push through this and get used to being an adult. If he moves back in with his parents he’s probably never going to leave or successfully live on his own.
It’s not your job to make hin grow up, but I would tell him kindly “Hey, you need to take resposibility for yourself as an adult. I cannot and will not be a replacement for your parents. I will be here to support you as a partner. Everyone finds difficulty growing up, but we all have to do it, it’s the healthy thing to do. So figure out what you are going to do and let me know. It’s okay if you fail and stumble, but you do have to consistently try, for your own wellbeing.”
This is a 32 year old man who doesn’t have a job and has never been away from his mommy.
>I don’t know how I missed this during the last 3 years of our relationship.
This is the question. How did you not notice he’s got no job? How did you not notice he’s never lived anywhere but his mommy’s basement?
At least you found out before you got married, put his name on any property, or had kids with him so you can still make a mostly clean break.
This isn’t an adult. He may be 31, but he’s no adult. Send this child back home to his mommy. He’s nowhere near ready to be in a relationship. First he needs to grow TF up.
It’s OK to be patient, but at the same time you want to set a time-line for him to “grow up”. At 31 he should be fairly independent and able to take care of himself.
I wouldn’t put up with that for too long. You don’t want to be the household breadwinner and mom at the same time.
If he can’t change and grow up, leave.
Congrats, you’re dating a baby.
Pay for his boat ride home and run fast.
Oh lord, OP, I’m sorry. Moving out with a partner should be so exciting. I can’t believe he thinks it’s reasonable to move back with his parent, and frankly, I would be incredibly offended.
He sounds like he has major anxiety but if he isn’t willing to deal with that and just wants to go home (at age 31, eek) then I can’t see that he’s particularly focussed on growing beyond this or changing, and you can’t force someone who isn’t ready to get the help they need.
I would just break this off now, I can’t see how it’s going to end well. How tf can you compete with his parents if he refuses to cut the umbilical cord? If it’s meant to be, he will push through this and work on his issues to come back to you. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t invested enough to push through his fears. If you keep being okay with this, nothing will change, he’ll either stay and retreat at your new home living off your paycheck, or he’ll eventually scamper off home.
He may not realise it, but he is taking advantage of your good nature and nothing will change without some sort of boundary or ultimatum.
For clarity so I don’t seem like an asshole — I used to suffer from major anxiety to the point that I became agoraphobic for a whole year and dropped out of high school. I don’t think it’s easy, but enabling doesn’t work either. He has to want change or he will never venture out of his safe space.
I don’t know how you’ve done it – lasted this long with this guy testing your patience.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. He lacks the ability to self soothe and step up to the plate when life gets tough. Instead of facing challenges with both hands and using it as a chance to learn and grow, he is retreating into his shell waiting for mom and dad to come rescue him.
Your partner should be someone you respect, admire and are proud of. Can you say that his behaviour is something you admire? You gleam with pride knowing he will run back home at the drop of a hat and he can’t be relied on to have your back when life gets tough?
Life is hard. Your partner is meant to help carry the load, not added to your burden.
I’d give him one last chance. Tell him he can spend a weekend at his parents if he wants but if he comes back, he’s committing to stepping up. No more constantly complaints and whining, he needs to be committed to showing you that living together and building a future together is what he wants.
If he can’t give you the guarantee that he’ll do whatever it takes fo meet his side of the relationship (chores, finding a job in the next 3 months etc) then you’re ok for him not to come back.
You’ve already spent 3 years with this guy. Another week to figure out if he is man enough to step up won’t hurt.
Don’t let it drag out though. You didn’t spend 3 years with him to be given a lemon. If he can’t deliver on what you want in a partner, don’t waste another minute with this person.
>Everyone is telling me to be patient and understanding including his mother.
Of course she is, she finally saw a chance to get rid of her son who is clearly overly-dependent.
She probably cracked open the Champagne when he moved out, and will do everything she can to keep you fixed in the role of his “mother” so she can have herself a very hard earned break!
Don’t fall for it, she failed to bring him up to be independent, which makes it her problem not yours.