So for a long time now, I’ve noticed a pattern in my behavior. I’ll meet a new friend, enjoy talking/spending time with them a lot, and subsequently sorta build up what feels like an obsession with them. All I want to do is talk or be with them as much as possible. I really hate this cycle, because I can totally recognize when it happens, but I feel totally out of control. If I go even a little bit without their attention/validation, I feel super anxious and miserable. Then, I’ll see them typing at me and I feel like I get this hit of dopamine.
This most often happens with my most distant friends emotionally. It’s like I’m addicted to feeling special to them, since they usually tend to be more reserved, I feel like me being able to get them to really like me proves that I’m special or something?
I know this behavior is definitely stemming from my anxiety, and total lack of confidence/self love. but I feel like I have no clue what to do about that.
TL:DR: I get really attached to my friends to an unhealthy degree, and need help stopping.
8 comments
Therapy.
Sounds like you might want to check out r/limerence
Workout, read books, find work that is meaningful to you, become the person you want to be, and your self confidence will go up and you won’t need to seek external validation.
Self confidence. Be alone, let your dopamine feedback system cool off.
I’m taking notes while going through the same
Need to be willing to look inside. Learn yourself and your friendships will follow. Otherwise, what are you offering if not your self.
Sounds like you have an anxious attachment style.
I used to be this way. I cried when one of my friends went out with a boyfriend instead of hanging out with me.
The best thing is to realize that not everyone is going to care and have the same standards for friendship. It’s not that they don’t like you or care about your friendship. They just have different views on what being a friend is. Like me, you are probably one of those people who just care too much. The problem is not everyone has the same expectations. The more distant they are, the more you chase.
A lot is your insecurities and personal issues. You have probably heard it a hundred times, but you have to focus on yourself and stop defining your self worth by other people’s opinions. Take a break from people. Try and spend at least one day every week on yourself and your interests. Go out to dinner, movies, concerts, shopping, whatever, by yourself. Spend the day reading or watching your favorite movies. Take a day trip, or a weekend out of town all alone. Try to remember that the most important opinions are yours. You don’t need 50 friends to be complete. You can be perfectly happy with your own company and there is nothing wrong that. Focus on you, not trying to win friends.
Try and remember that if someone doesn’t call you back, it’s not always personal. Sometimes people just get busy. Don’t get all freaked out and worry about what you might have done. It’s usually nothing personal, like I said, not everyone has the same standards for friendship.