My GF (23F) and I (24M) have been together for 3.5 years now. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but overall I would say we have been very happy together and have definitely grown together.
As our relationship has gotten more serious, we have started to contemplate marriage, in recent times though, I have been postponing time and again talking about some very “dealbreaking” topics with my GF, topics such as Children, Religion, Marriage, Mid-long term expectations.
The reason I have been postponing it is because my GF’s emotional state has been deteriorating ever since I met her. She comes from a very troubled past filled with abusive parents, poverty, stress, trauma, none of which has been properly treated. She went to a couple of therapy sessions when I first met her but hasn’t been to one for at least 3 years now.
There are too many layers to her issues to explain them in a post, but to sum it up she is very troubled and her environment is not helpful, she has developed chronic neck pain from the stress she has by living with her mom (50+) and sister(35+), the both of them hate each other and are constantly fighting amongst each other, making it very difficult for my GF to so much as leave her room because of the stress.
We have been looking at options in the city for her to move out to but we haven’t found something that she can afford that isn’t a complete dumpster, which is increasing her anxiety, she feels like she cannot move out but also staying will only make her worse.
So going back to the “deal breakers” as much as I love her I don’t feel like we are compatible. She 100% wants to have children, I am not sure. She is looking for the stability she never had as a child, I am looking to travel in my 20s, she is a semi active Christian, I am an atheist.
The problem is I just have not found a good time for me to have this conversation with her and I feel responsible for her in a way, I feel like If I were to abandon her when she is in such a delicate situation it could break her.
I just don’t know what to do, I listen to her every day, I talk to her every day, I have helped her a lot to try and find housing options and I have pressed her to get psychological help to no avail, none of what I do is enough to help her through these issues.
I need help.
2 comments
Your responsibility is to yourself first and foremost. If you dont see a future with this girl, you shouldn’t be dragging things out any longer than necessary. Those are some pretty glaring incompatibilities.. Especially the stance on children.
Naturally you still care about her and want to help her as much as possible, but you dont have the resources to do so. It sucks to be in that position. So many young adults are struggling to establish their independence away from stressful households these days.
Unfortunately you cant be her knight in shining armor – all you can do is offer moral and logistical support as you have been. Its entirely up to her to seek out psychiatric help. Dont try to act as a stand-in therapist. Direct her to local therapy/housing resources and crisis centers, especially if you think the breakup will trigger her to do anything drastic.
>The problem is I just have not found a good time for me to have this conversation with her
The longer you wait the worse it is