I’ve been dating a girl for the last 4 years and we’re getting to the point of discussion marriage. We love each other and our relationship is strong. However, I make considerably more money and have substantially less debt than her. I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with her. That being said, I would like to pursue a prenuptial agreement.
Is this something that is discussed prior to an engagement or after? It seems like it would hurt some of the surprise.
What type of lawyers do we use? Family lawyers? Divorce lawyers?
Any other general advice would be appreciated.
3 comments
Discuss the topic now, because:
1. You aren’t ruining any surprise, because engagement should never be a surprise.
2. If she breaks up with you when she hears what terms you want in a prenup — might happen, might not — you won’t have wasted money on an engagement ring and both of you will avoid wasting time on a doomed relationship.
Also consider what effects the prenup can have on your relationship. With a prenup, you make all the decisions in advance. That can be an advantage or a disadvantage.
For example, right now it benefits you to waive alimony. But let’s say, in the future, you have kids, daycare is expensive, and you really want your wife to quit her job and stay home. But she wisely says no, because she’s not protected if you divorce. Now you’re forced to pay for daycare because you didn’t predict the future correctly when you signed the prenup.
Or maybe you own a house before marriage. Your prenup says it remains your asset no matter what. In the future, you want to repair or remodel the house. Your wife would be wise to say “not unless you can pay for that entirely with separate funds.” Maybe that means you don’t get to do the remodel.
Finally, if you want an uneven split (biased toward you) of the money earned during your marriage, you’re asking her to be the junior partner in your partnership, and that request is likely to end the relationship.
>Is this something that is discussed prior to an engagement or after?
I think you can do it either way. The way I see it, the only thing about a marriage proposal that should be a surprise is how and when it happens. The fact that you’re going to propose at all shouldn’t be surprising. So I don’t see a big deal about discussing the potential prenup before the proposal. But discussing it afterward is probably also fine as long as it’s done before you start spending money on wedding plans.
As for looking for lawyers, you’d generally look for someone specializing in family law/divorce or estate planning for writing a prenup.
Bringing up a prenup can be a bit of a risky discussion since it seems like you’re planning for failure. Make sure that your girlfriend/fiancée has her own lawyer separate from yours. I’d suggest offering to pay for hers as well as your own. And the biggest thing is to make sure the agreement is fair. Nothing is going to make her want to marry you less than asking her to sign an unfair prenup that only benefits you.
F here, I received my prenup talk about 2 years into the relationship, when I was told out of the blue that his family wants a prenup and there’s no room for discussion, take it or leave it.
We had barely discussed wedding plans. We also came from different cultures, prenups are non existent in mine.
I was quite offended to just be presented with the decision, especially because he told me his father called me a gold digger 🤣 I worked my fingers to bleeding to stay in this country and always paid for my own shit. He came from money. Really hard not to take that as a “I wanna marry you, but I’m thinking of divorcing you first”.
I’m single now, wish him and his bank account all the best.