Before my husband met me, he was in a serious three-year relationship. She cheated on him, and would gaslight him when he tried to investigate. He eventually was able to find proof before ending things and moving on.
When we met he told me cheating was a huge insecurity for him, and he had trust issues as a result. I promised him that I was not designed that way, and that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. I promised him, for as long as we were together, I would remind him just how amazing of a man he was.
And I did, for 9 years. Without fault. My husband has clearly expressed over the years how I helped him overcome this trauma, and showed him what an amazing man he is. Important context: our sex life is amazing. We both state all the time how fullfilled we are. We let eachother watch porn. We even swing with other couples occasinlaly, just for fun. He says he has no comlaints and feels like he won the lottery with me. He has spent a decade telling me how amazing I am.
As well, this entire time talking about how dishonourable cheating is. He calls cheaters scum of the Earth. I’ve listened to rants and tirades about the kind of people cheaters must be. He has made his feeling about cheating verrrry clear at the is point…..
He started streaming video games at the same time I got pregnant. He was staying up until middle hours of the night, without ever coming to bed. He was very disengaged with me during my pregnancy. He was rude, thoughtless, and frankly inconsiderate to my needs as a wife, and pregnant mother to his unborn child. This behaviour only got worse, and I knew something was wrong because it was so unlike him.
It was because HE was cheating on me.
He was selectively deleting his search history and only leaving things he wanted me to see. However, Google activity tracks everything and he wasn’t deleting that activity, which showed what was really happening. It showed him creeping only fan profiles, going to promiscuous streamer channels while they were live, engaging with female content creators, looking into several shady and promiscuous Reddit pages. This went on for two years…
I tried to put an end to things without directly calling his character into quetsion. I would ask him what he was doing late at night- he denied any wrong doing. I asked him to be respectful of me, and not look at promiscuous female streamers- he said of course. He would then go back into his search history, weeks after the fact sometimes, and still keep deleting things out of there he thought would make him look poor.
The entire time, he promised and reassured me our boundaries were clear and he was being faithful. He spent two years lying to me directly to my face. He would gaslight me time and time agan. Every time this happened, a piece of me died.
After two years, my hope that I would suddenly become interesting enough came to a close. I finally had confronted him .. He tried to gaslight me again. After his ridiculousness subsided and we had the chance to talk, he admitted to me that he cheated. He wont give me details to the extent of what happened. He just keeps saying that everything I’ve brought forward to him is the extent of what fully happened.
It’s been a month and he keeps reminding me how he knows he fucked up, and will spend the rest of our lives fixing it with me. He tells me he knows how I feel, and why I now feel insecure in our marriage and my trust with him. He says he understands when I tell him I feel less attractive, and sexy and his eyes.
I just can’t move on. I’ve tried talking to professionals for help… I just don’t know how someone whose heart was so broken from being cheated on, is capable of doing that exact same thing to the woman of his dreams and mother of his child.
11 comments
I’m so sorry. I was not able to continue in my marriage after he cheated and lied about it repeatedly. I tried, because he was responsible, outwardly respectful, a good father, funny, thoughtful with gifts, and a fair cook. I had loved him. Even when I stopped loving him I tried to stay in the partnership because I didn’t think it was hurting me to stay and I didn’t want to break up my home. I never, ever thought we would get divorced.
But it was hurting me. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the discrete choices that go into a huge ongoing lie. All the small lies, the plotting and backtracking, it took so much effort. He was willing to put that effort into a relationship with her, but not his relationship with me. I became bitter and angry. I was sad all the time. I spoke less and less because I felt like no one was listening to me. It wasn’t until I lost my temper after drinking too much on vacation that I realized I had to leave. I realized I would never be able to fully enjoy my life if I tried to spend it with this man. It has been hard, but I’m so much happier. Good luck.
Divorce
He is exactly all of the names he calls other cheaters! Especially since he cheated on you while you were pregnant and not it’s too late to have a clean getaway from him.
Did he not want kids?
You’ll be much happier as a single mom than married to a man you can’t trust. And you’ll never trust him again.
He’s a cheater and a liar. Don’t stay with a cheater.
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So he was cheated on knew the pain and did it to you regardless,
And then lied and made you feel crazy while he was cheating,
Honestly think that was a cover up and he was the cheat not the ex gf.. because I sure as hell can’t think of why he would put you through something so painful if he went through it, and at your most vulnerable whilst pregnant.
I’m so sorry honey, I don’t think he deserves a second chance, just like he didn’t think his ex did, what makes him different?? What makes him superior?? That he can cheat on his pregnant wife and deserves a second chance?? Because there a child involved??
What would he of done if you cheated.. left right?? There your answer
Nope I’d cut my loses and end it and file, and never see him again,
I did it with my kids dad cut him off and only had contact about kids and drop off and pick up through SIL, sometime people don’t deserves to be in our lives anymore child or not.
He hasn’t seen me since, not with lack of trying, having a child with that POS don’t mean a thing, if you don’t have anyone to be third party then use the parenting app.
You deserve better than someone who would set out solely to hurt you and your child.
You can move on. It just doesn’t have to be with him. It’s your choice if you want to give it a go, but it will be incredibly hard and an uphill battle. I root for people to work it out, but the reality is that it rarely does because after the trust is broken, it’s never the same. If you do reconcile, it’s a new marriage and a new reality, as the old one is gone. Is it better to coparent or try to work it out? Only questions you can answer…..
Hugs. Have you asked him why? Also ask if it was with one of your friends family. Ask how he thinks it can be fixed. Then divorce him. He’s brutal.
Icing on the top was telling you how to feel: “I know you feel less attractive in my eyes”
Remember when you two were talking about scumbags of the earth? Yeah, that’s your husband.
Op. He sounds manipulative from day dot.
Him being cheated on by someone completely different child, as a young teenage boy(!)
…Somehow led to him requiring YOU, 15 years later, to still be telling him how beyond wonderful he is every day, promising constantly that you would never cheat, fascilitaring his swinging and sex kinks, pretty much worshiping himand his ego & sex whims whilst you put yours and your needs and your respect and value to the side?
His cheating rants sound text book projection.
and make us even question if his 14 year old gf actually even cheated on him, or if there was some other toxic context, or if the reverse happened.
Luckily – despite his decade + of manipulation on you, you otherwise sound wonderful and strong and like you won’t take this bullshit any longer.
Even without his repeated, endless, continuous cheating as you sleep nursing HIS baby!!! He sounds like a bad husband and bad father. He not only cheats, he doesn’t carry his weight, he abuses you and he doesn’t help raise his child like a good father would.
You know the answer is you have to choose yourself. And choose your own goldenness. But now you also have to choose healthiness and safety and kindness for your baby. His cruelty and toxicness and lies and abuse doesn’t just affect you – it affects her.
You both deserve so much more even if the much more is simply peace and stability.