WARNING- This might be graphic, so if you are a victim of SA or are sensitive to this kind of topic please do not continue reading.
As early as the 5th grade, before I knew anything about sex, I would fantasize about being cornered, pinned down, and intimidated by male classmates.
A few months ago, a mutual friend sexually assaulted me. I had noticed him being harmlessly flirty on a few occasions before, but I was never into him nor did I ever show any interest.
I was completely caught off guard the night it happened. Our friend we were hanging out with had to go home so it was just the two of us, and within a few minutes he started being flirty. I got really uncomfortable, told him that I was going to head home, and he suddenly threw himself onto me as I was headed towards the door. In the moment my instinct was to freak out, and after enough screaming and fighting back, I was able to get myself out after a neighbor’s light came on and he let me go. But the truth is that despite my protests and clear unwillingness to do anything with him, I was secretly turned on the whole time. He pulled me in so tightly against him I couldn’t move. He put his hand up my shirt grabbing my breasts, unbuttoned my pants, and put his fingers inside of me. When I was trying to break myself free to no avail he laughed, covered my mouth, and softly yet sternly told me to shut up and to stop trying to resist. It was the most erotic thing I’ve ever experienced.
I’ve always heard that sexual assault fantasies are just fantasies but that when it actually happens it’s horrifying, yet I was turned on when I was assaulted. I’ve also heard that people get turned on because sex is shameful, but since it’s out of their control its okay. I’ve never felt ashamed to want sex, I don’t come from a conservative family, and I don’t have any past trauma or mommy/daddy issues. I’m mentally fine, haven’t had any sort of mental instability, and I don’t know that this one quirk of mine makes sense to go to therapy for since it doesn’t affect my day to day life.
I’m conventionally attractive and I’ve never had difficulties attracting men, so this fantasy doesn’t come from a need of attention either. I’ve always had a healthy sex life and have even expressed this fantasy of mine to a few of my exes, but there’s something about playing it out that makes it feel scripted and completely takes the pleasure out of it.
Has anyone else experienced this? Ant thoughts?
4 comments
My ex and I went through years of counseling and had a pretty strong and supportive marriage. Years into the marriage and with a lot of trust she would ask me to hold her down. That’s about as far as I was comfortable going. She asked me to put my foot on her face, etc but I never could do it.
I think secretly we all have a desire for some rough stuff that could be due to evolution. As long as you can do it safe, CNC can be satisfying for some.
This is called rape kink I believe, and it is a kink. I would suggest getting some kind of counseling for or giving yourself several months to reflect on this incident because despite your conclusion you probably still have some shock or bad feelings after something scary like this…
Is it a kink worth exploration? I don’t know. I’ve only met people who have rape kink that tell me about it in a monogamous relationship with someone they developed a lot of trust in and then opened up to and carried it out in a safe space that way.
There’s a good chance you were as scared because it was someone you knew. As long as you can recognize you were in real danger, you’ll be ok.
It is totally normal to have kinks in a safe environment not so much if you expose yourself to dangerous situations like rape.