Yesterday I was hooking up with a guy and at some point he starts touching me and we’re doing a little foreplay. We would take some pauses and talk and then we would jump back into it.
In one of those pauses I mentioned to him that I barely orgasm from sex, 1) because if it’s going to happen I need my partner to put in time and effort (it’s not happening in 10 or 15 minutes) and 2) because usually I find men to be very selfish lovers who don’t really care about my pleasure (generalization, but this is my experience). He then told me that he understands how this can happen to me, and that for him personally one of the most pleasurable things from sex was giving pleasure to a girl, that he really liked fingering and eating pussy and all that stuff.
Then we start going at it again and he’s fingering me, and I was enjoying it but I realized that I was getting kinda anxious waiting for him to end so that we could move on to the next thing. He didn’t seem tired or impatient. He wasn’t hurting me or doing a bad job. I realized that I simply didn’t believe that someone could have pleasure out of giving pleasure to someone else. And I realized I do this to myself every single time. When someone is giving me oral sex or fingering me, my mind reads it as if it’s a chore for them. So it’s supper difficult for me to actually enjoy the moment because I feel embarrassed keeping them down there too long.
I literally was having this debate in my head as the guy was fingering me, so of course I was barely enjoying it. But I tried to force myself to close my eyes, and believe that he was doing it because he wanted to, and that he would stop when he was tired. And for some time after that it was quite enjoyable. I think I overthink everything too much and i’m very anxious… are there any other girls who can relate? How do you focus better on your orgasm? I’ll take any tips 🥲
4 comments
You’ve found a guy who is a GIVER. He measures his self worth as a lover in *how his actions are received*. And he *likes* to play his partners body as a delicate instrument and lure the song and the music out of it.
If you feel ANY kind of desire to have it served to you for a really, really long time just to see what it’s like…it sounds like he may be quite a good candidate if you are looking for a head to have between your thighs for an hour or so.
And if you haven’t figured it out already, a giver most certainly likes to receive as well. He just has a mental block for explicitly asking for things. If you give him breathtaking things in return – based on what you yourself feel like giving – you’ll have quite a neat dynamic to play with.
Think he’s a good candidate for a…uh…recurring arrangement?
It takes time to learn to trust that someone can indeed enjoy pleasing you. It’s understandable and okay that you’re not immediately feeling able to believe/accept it.
What has helped me most is talking to partners over the years about what *exactly* they enjoy about pleasing me. Hearing their specific answers has made it much easier for me to believe them.
Your clitoris was made purely for pleasure. Teach inner defence mechanism that you need them to focus on a new task, and that is to receive pleasure. Take time to feel every part of pleasure, if something is not working for you, let your partner move onto his next move or discuss beforehand and after things you liked and disliked. Don’t focus so much on intercourse, use this time to get used to receiving pleasure and learning what you do and don’t like.
I understand you 1000000 % I self sabotage like crazy. Still learning to trust my partner when he’s trying to help me and not rush to move on.