Dads of reddit, how do you shut your automatic guilt when spending time on your hobbies instead of doing more work or something related to that?

16 comments

1. Rest = gains

2. More work?

   I do as much work as my contract requires and get paid decently for it. I don’t see the need to do extra.

3. ??? Because work doesn’t equal happiness. Once u got enough to keep the wolfs off ur door you can enjoy life.

4. Get off the grindset. Work to live, don’t live to work.

   Hobbies are an essential component of keeping yourself healthy, centred, and balanced: without that, you cannot effectively provide for your family.

5. I’m not sure I understand this question. Where in this equation is the cost of either of those activities being time I don’t get to spend with my son?

6. Talked about it with my dad and can tell you that “automatic guilt” is not something everyone has. He made it very clear to himself that he had a certain positive impact to make on our lives but just like he had that standard he made sure that he would get time to rest and just be more than a productive machine all the time. He didn’t go out to act like he is not a father or that would implicate the family, he just had set times where he recharged for the sake of maintaining he energy levels until we were out of the house and now that we are all gone he is just chilling out like crazy – and he absolutely earned that

7. Honestly, it’s not very healthy.

   I really don’t want to play armchair psychologist, but check up what the martyr complex is and speak to a professional or a person you trust if it rings a bell.

8. As a young father I felt that guilt and acted upon it. I worked insanely hard and every minute of free time was given to the family. If I thought of myself I felt guilt about being selfish. The result, exhaustion and sickness. You are a human and some quality ‘me’ time every so often will make you a better happier father, and your contentment will be reflected in your children.

9. I don’t have kids, but all adults have responsibilities & obligations. Dads just have 1 more (their children) then men who don’t have kids. Those kids though place a pretty heavy demand on their time, energy & money. In general, that’s why its recommended to be married and to have a competent spouse whose pulling their own weight.

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   When it comes to guilt, it’s essentially you doing something you know is wrong (then you have that feeling of guilt). Now if we look at parenthood, are your kids fed? Are your kids clothed? Do your kids have a roof over their heads? Are your kids emotionally & mentally well? If so, you’ve handled your responsibilities – obligations to them. Not everything should be about them, they do need to learn to respect other people and realize they aren’t the center of the universe (nor should they be neglected – it’s about balance). Given that your hobbies / interests help reduce stress and your own mental well being, a little self care also can help you meet your responsibilities – obligations to others.

10. My goal is to work as little as possible while providing a good living for my family. You know, points are not calculated when you expire.

11. My daughter deserves to grow up around happy people, and modeling work/life balance feels like part of my responsibility. If she sees me work myself to death and settle for a miserable existence, she may well do the same.

12. Have to be honest, I don’t have a shred of automatic guilt.

    I have a life which consists of me and my kids. I want to maximize myself & my potential while I’m alive and I’m a better dad because of it.

    If I didn’t take time for myself they would get a worse version of me.

13. I have no guilt. I have a contract. I do what is needed for that contract. If the boss wants unreasonable overhours, i stop him right there. I have no guilt. Why should i work more than is needed? That will not make me richer.

    See, i am a German. And i laugh about my american collegues who do not believe despite seeing it themselves all the time. More work does not mean more work successfully done.

    I do in 40 hours what 1.5 of them does in 60 hours. They always laugh it down and say its this “ze german efficiency”.

    No. It is not. But what one needs to see: After around 6-7 hours at work the rate of getting shit done steeply declines downwards. After 10 hours you are only present with your body, not your mind.

    More work time is useless. Overhours are useless. What is good for your job is to be healthy, rested and happy because you have a private life.

    I know why my american collegues are always in this “Work, you must work, work work” mode. Thats this evangelical training and this believe that if you work hard enough god will reward you and you deserve to be rich and bullshit. But for them i am a “goddamn Leftie-Commie” and whatnot. I do not care with my 30 days paid vacation, 12 days paid state vacation and 105 days weekend with no work per year.

14. Remind myself that if I push myself too much on putting extra time into work, I will only burn myself out, and that will harm both my team and myself in the long run.

    Also “not working overtime” is written in our company policy.

15. it depends. is my family lacking for anything? are the bills all paid and there is money for food? then I feel fine. if not, better go hustle.

16. By not giving a fuck