I am in a 2 year, serious committed relationship. Its not such a big deal that I would give it up for my sex drive so please don’t suggest that! But I basically just have a higher sex drive than my partner. He’s not a very sexual person to begin with although he’s actually become a lot more sexual since we got together, but his drive is much more mood dependant. I’m hypersexual, and sex also makes me feel wanted and like there’s passion. Masturbating doesn’t fulfill quite the same thing to me because it isn’t so physical as mental.
I just wanna know if there’s any ways for me to deal with my high sex drive. Maybe masturbating more would help, I’m just not sure.
Please be respectful 🙏
Edit: Just to be clear I would never pressure him or make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. I’m asking how I can personally deal with my feelings.
Edit Edit: I don’t know what I expected but this isn’t a be all end all situation for me. In our relationship we problem solve, we figure things out. It’s the only way any relationship actually lasts. I’m not looking to change him, I’m looking to internally deal with it. We are working on it together. It’s not really about sex, it’s about feeling desired. And that’s something we can work on, it’s a matter of expression.
39 comments
You can always try to have him take supplements.
Great question, sadly i don’t really have a simple anwer. As always, communication is key. Talk to him, not only tell him you want more sex but also why. Maybe there are other ways you can get the confirmation you want?
1. Talk to your partner. Explain how sex feels. Generally more sexual people associate sex with feeling loved, respected, and cared for. He might not understand this. If he learns your love language is sex. He is more likely to share it with you.
2. Less sexual people generally get their “love cup” filled from other sources. Find out what his is his. HIs could be quality time, acts of service, gifts, etc. Generally when someone feels loved they want to care back. And his caring back, could be sex (if you ask for as above)
3. Make sex easier on him. There are lots of sex toys, partnered activities, mutual masturbation, etc. That can help him not feel overwhelmed, and you feel sexually satisfied. I love when my partner uses sex toys on me, and its way easier on my fiancé when she is tired.
I had the opposite situation where an ex of mine that I absolutely loved wasn’t as sexually energized as me.
We didn’t work out for other reasons but for the first few months all she would do with me is blowjobs and titfucks.
Then one night I was drunk, fucked her kinda without asking, and she said it hurt and her begging me to wait caused me to cum right away.
She wasn’t upset and she said she liked it, but then from there we would only do it every once and while but she preferred tits or mouth.
I found out thanks to her that I am super into tit fucking, which gave me more options with girls that are bigger that I don’t usually find attractive. Now I just imagine fucking their fat tits and it gets me going.
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Sex drive is mostly regulated by hormone levels. My boss’s wife got on hormones and after 30 yrs of marriage, they fuck like they are 19.
Just to give you some frame of reference, on average, a long term sexual relationship ends up around the twice a week mark.
If you’re WAY below that, maybe check his testosterone levels. The normal range is 300-1000ng/dL. So almost always the test will come back “normal” because the range is so damn huge.
BUT, most men’s libido will be entirely different depending on which end of that “normal” scale they are at: 300 vs 1000 is like night and day.
You can try figuring out what sort of mood he needs to want sex, but ultimately there’s not a lot you can do. You can try having multiple partners if that’s a thing you’re both into, but aside from that you’re going to have to decide for yourself whether the juice is worth the squeeze — are all the other good things in the relationship worth not being sexually fulfilled? It might not, and it’s worth thinking seriously about the potential fact that this is as good as it’s ever going to get and whether you’re willing to tolerate that. You can’t just magically conjure a higher libido in your partner. Barring stress or medical issues, there’s not much you can do in this situation.
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>sex also makes me feel wanted
Purely speculating, here, but I wonder how much of your desire is linked to wanting to feel desired. Is there some other way that this itch can get scratched besides sex?
If you are highly sexual person realize he will never be like you.
Probably the sexual imbalance will weigh on you.
You will feel unwanted, too sexual.
He will feel used, pawed at. And just not sexual enough to keep up
Live it longer And see how it goes
Maybe boundaries problem. If he gets better to negotiate his wants for your wants. It’s a longshot but I’ll throw it there cause you mentioned that he likes acts of service
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He’s enjoying the power balance that’s in his favor. You want him more than he wants you. It’s not likely to change.
Through toys and investigation as to whether or not he is cheating.
That’s why they say dont get married so early or think this is the person..yes to a degree but there is alot of things to check out and make sure ure compatible…first check things out…if everything especially sex and partner wize both have the same level and drive… because u cant cange that person..u can introduced him/her to your perspective and sexual ways and needs…its then for that person to decide if they want to pursue it and make it also a passion just like yours……if they dont….well they wont…its like every one is talking about this book its the best..and so famous…so u decide to also pick it up and read it but before the first chaptet u realize this is not for u….same thing……Move one get someone with the same passion like u…..and don’t believe in ifs and maybe the person will never be betrer or change..95% they don’t..
Get married, that cools most women off
You will break up. Just do it now.
My husband used to have a low libido and turns out it was his antidepressants! He got off of them and I also asked him to stop watching porn and jerking regularly! We have daily sex now! Maybe it’s something that can be addressed with him and you can work towards a solution together, if you’re into that.
Thanks for your honesty…I’m a guy, so probably shouldn’t try to guess an answer for a woman but here goes any way…
If it is the release of orgasm that you are missing, masturbation might work. If it is the warmth and “filled” feeling of coitus, I doubt that it will. In that case, an “I just need to be held and cuddled more…even if we don’t f*ck…Though, I wouldn’t say ‘No’ if we did.” talk with your guy might help.
Couples therapy may be in your future. Would he be okay with that?
This may sound ass backwards.. but the more orgasms I have whether that’s masterbation or sex.. the more and more I want it … I lose my sex drive when I go awhile without it.
random thoughts: all of these are best preceded with talking to him.
Approach things from a sensual angle. massages, cuddles, kissing. Take a couples massage class. Let him know it doesn’t have to lead to sex (or not always, anyway). Give, get, trade. This is probably the most important thing.
You masturbate you with him holding you, cuddling, or lying next to you.
Him masturbate you with toys, either with his hands or controlling one remotely with his phone.
And of course, masturbating by your self.
Oh my god I could have written this.
Age?
Sadly it’s best to either open the relationship or look for someone else.
Sex imbalances are a big deal. I lived through one at a younger age. Don’t recommend anyone to through the same issues.
Make the sexual encounters you do have count, for yourself *and* for him. In a sensual non ego threatening way, open up and engage him in teaching him how to efficiently give you orgasms even if he’s pretty good at it already. If he knows he can please you better, he’s more inclined to do that. It could make him happier to make you happy.
I recommend the book Mating in Captivity.
I usually have a much higher sex drive than my husband. We both fluctuate and we cross in the middle. And yes, masterbating helps. A good vibrator helps.
So odd perspective here…. I’ve (41F) been on Naltrexone for alcohol abuse. It blocks opioid receptors so you don’t get all the dopamine. Well I’ve started calling it my hedonism pill bc it’s been helping to reduce not only the desire to drink, but my hypersexuality and a host of other detrimentally pleasurable things as well. I could have literally fucked all day before. Now I’m good with almost every day, which I think is really reasonable. Not saying you should get on meds for it, just relating to the struggle. I know how it is.
Polyamorous relationship
Others may disagree, but I think situations like this are not “fixable” anymore than you could “fix” him if he came out as gay. Sure, you may be able to pressure him or even guilt him into more sex for a period of time, but that’s unsustainable and not really solving the problem. Eventually he’ll just grow resentful while you grow frustrated and disappointed. Unfortunately, I think you have two disagreeable options: 1) learn to live with it; or 2) move on. Only you know what the right decision is for you. Good luck.
There’s a lot of happily married women out there that just have sex with others or do the odd gangbang. Over the years in my line of work I’ve met many a woman who wants to do the latter & recently as far as NZ comes here, sees her ex & wants GB’s without any feelings of guilt
I’ve dealt with this in more than one relationship. I can totally relate to needing to feel desired. And at this point, I would rather be single than have a partner whose libido isn’t at least as high as mine.
Bottom line is, a partner like that can really take a toll on your self esteem and even make you sexually shut down ultimately. This is true regardless of how great they are otherwise.
People with low libidos typically don’t change, and even if you’re able to work something out, you’ll end up feeling like you’re settling for less than you actually want. You’ll always wonder if they’re doing it to please you rather than because they want it. The hurt and resentment will seep into other aspects of the relationship. IMO it’s just not worth it.
I (F) find my libido increases with some certain foods (eggs, alcohol, beer, coffee, onions, garlic) and decreases with other foods (soy milk, tofu). So I drink soy milk on everyday and avoid eggs, alcohol, etc. Interestingly monks in Buddhism eat very similar
How much of a difference in libido are we talking about? If you want it everyday but he wants it twice a week, you can meet in the middle. If he wants it once a week, hard but still possible to compromise. But if he only wants it once in 2 weeks the sexual incompatibility is too great to overcome. The lower libido partner will feel miserable, undesired and self-esteem will be in the gutter.
There is practically nothing you can do to lower your libido or increase his. Masturbation is a poor substitute. If the incompatibility is too great the only option is to leave and find a more compatible partner.
The fact that you said masturbation doesn’t fill the same need, that sticks out to me, because I’m exactly the same way. I’ve been in this scenario…
For me, my hypersexuality seems to be based, at least in part, in emotion and fear, and though I only just started talking to a therapist about it, we’re pretty sure it’s a trauma/abandonment thing for me.
I’ll skip all the backstory for now, but the takeaway is that by being rejected sexually over the course of 15 years, it fed my abandonment issues, like I was being rejected wholly, and now the more I fear rejection, the more I *need* sex, which leads to a larger gap between my need and the person I’m seeing, which leads to more rejections… It’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy for me.
My advice is that, regardless of how you work this out with your present partner, you *must* work on this internally.
As for your partner, I suggest that you assume that they are giving all they can, and that sex will only decrease from here, and then you’ll need to decide if that is enough. I’ve never had the sex frequency *increase* over the course of a relationship, it’s always the highest at the beginning.
He needs to get his testosterone checked. If it is low, he needs to go on TRT. It’s for his own health, not just sex drive.
If his T is normal, then he may have psychological issues with sex.
As for the mismatch in sex drive, you’ll probably just have to masturbate more often.
Masturbating.
Get the womanizer duo