Not sure how to start this off— we have been friends since childhood, and have only ever had issues with each other once or twice. She got into kpop around 4-5 years ago and it started off tame. She was into the music and was normal teen-girl crazy over the groups she liked. It has now spiraled into her revolving her entire life around it. Her room is absolutely decked out in many different groups’ merch. She has well over 100 photo cards, and will always carry one around with her everywhere. Around 99% of the things she posts on social media are of/related to kpop. She stopped caring about any of my interests and was forcing it down my throat, even though she had acknowledged I wasn’t interested in it several times. Most of her money is dumped into merch, or any kpop concert she can find tickets for. She even celebrates kpop group members’ birthdays with her other friends who revolve their lives around it. They actually throw birthday parties for them and decorate as if the member is going to be there. The fetishization of Asian men and women she perpetuates really disgusts me, as well as her acknowledgment of the fact that she has full-fledged parasocial relationships with these people. Her new friends enable it so much too. It feels like the person I knew and loved is gone and has been replaced with a hyper-obsessed, borderline stalker koreaboo.
You may be wondering, “why haven’t you spoken to her about how unhealthy her behavior has become?” If I did, she would’ve immediately gotten extremely defensive and ghosted me. She does not handle criticism well at all. I just want to know if anyone else has been through something similar; how did you deal with the grief of losing your friend to this odd new form of addiction? If you think I overreacted I’d like to know why, and I am willing to give more context to the true extent of how bad it has gotten.
TL;DR- My childhood friend is highly addicted to kpop, and it has essentially ruined our friendship.
3 comments
I’m really sorry you’ve gone through this, it sounds like it’s been really difficult. The thing is, if your friend was annoying everyone with her obsession, there’d be universal pushback and it might push her to change her behaviour. But she’s fallen in with some friends in which her obsession is treated as normal. She’s not the weirdo who’s throwing parties for celebrities who won’t be there all by herself, she’s part of a group of people where they can all engage in the fun of this together. And for that reason, it sounds like she’s gone completely down the rabbit hole and isn’t coming back anytime soon, if ever.
No matter what the circumstances, many friendships and relationships change as the people involved grow into adulthood. Life changes when you’re no longer in the structure of school and/or uni. Independence, responsibility, differing priorities and different means – this can all contribute to people growing apart. It’s normal (and healthy) but that doesn’t change the fact that it hurts to say goodbye.
It’s okay to mourn the end of what has been a very long friendship for you. Everyone knows how much break-ups in romantic relationship hurt, a friendship breakup can feel just as painful. So acknowledge that you are grieving, that your grief is normal, and in time it will pass. Be kind to yourself for the next little while.
There’s also a chance that your friend *might* outgrow this obsession over the next few years, and if that’s the case, you *might* be able to reconnect in the future. But by then, you will both be completely different people.
Remember the good times you had with this friend, give yourself room to be sad that it ended, but know that life is all about meetings and partings. There will be more long-term friendships in your future, even if it’s not with her. (I feel blessed to have a 10+ friendship with my best friend, and I didn’t meet her until I was 21. My other best friend I didn’t meet until I was 29. I feel super enriched by both these friendships).
if she’s willing to end your relationship and ghost you to stay in the kpop fandom, then you are OK to end your relationship with her to not be involved with enabling her to be the way that she is with it.
It happens, maybe you can be friends again later in life