Hi everyone, I (M25) need advice for my relationship and life in general. I live in NYC and have been here for 5 years. I’m sick of everything now: the expensive rent, expensive cost of living, crazy ppl, rats, subway, all of it. I feel that the chapter of my life living here is coming to a close. I recently visited my family and they brought up the possibility of me moving back home for good. Usually in the past I’ve shrugged it off as an “in the future” type thing but lately I’ve been getting the itch to leave NYC for good and move back.
The main reason would be so I could live with my family for a year and hopefully afford to buy a house which is next to impossible to do in NYC. Owning my own home with actual land has always been my dream, and in my hometown, it would actually be a possibility. I could also finally hike again, be close to my siblings and nieces/ nephews and my dog would be happier with more open space as well. The issue is my girlfriend (F25) doesn’t want to/ isn’t ready to leave yet. All her family is in the Westchester area, and she still loves NYC.
We talked about it last night and she said she’d want to stay another 2-3 years before even considering leaving. And even when she leaves, she wants to move to Westchester. Honestly, I love her, but I cannot stay in NYC for another 2-3 years. I feel so suffocated and unfulfilled with my life here, but I know if I left now/ soon then our relationship would be done (I asked if LD was on the table, and she said no). I’m scared that I’ll make the final decision and move home to be with my family and then regret my decision/ never find someone as great as her. Career wise I already looked at jobs in my hometown (it’s a mid-sized city) and I could find a job making the same amount there as I do here but without huge rent/expenses.
If anyone has ever been through something like this or has any advice, I’d greatly appreciate the insight.
EDIT: we’ve been together for about a year and a half and don’t live together.
15 comments
You didn’t mention how long you two have dated or if you live together.
Generally speaking, I’d encourage you both to try to find a compromise and move somewhere that suits you both. But she doesn’t want to move, period. So…I think that’s a dealbreaker.
It sounds like you want different things for your life. People can sometimes want to go in different directions. Neither are wrong but it does make you incompatible.
Go where you need to go, to live the life you want to live. Unfortunately, love isn’t always enough.
It sounds like you’ve already considered compromise, but she isn’t willing to bend, and you’ll be very unhappy in NYC. It’s telling that she doesn’t say she’d be willing to go after X time, and just needs long enough to complete Y. Instead, she says she’d need to be there another 2-3 years before she’d even CONSIDER leaving. Before you think about staying another couple years for her sake, think about what happens 2-3 years later if she still doesn’t want to leave NYC. It would be a shame to stay somewhere you’re not happy for 2-3 more years, only to leave her at that point for the same reason you could have foreseen now.
The one other thing I can suggest is that if expense is one of the biggest reasons, you could cut your rent in half by living together. But it doesn’t really sound to me like you’re going to be happy in NYC even with less rent, and moving in together will only make things harder if you eventually take the same path, to leave her and the city.
Breakups are often acrimonious, but they don’t have to be. Breaking up doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, or that you are; just that you’re both great people whose needs are not aligned with each other. It sucks, but it happens. The “never find anyone as great as her” concern is your self-esteem talking. I’m sure she’s great, but there are lots of other great people out there, and one of them will be better FOR YOU, because they’ll want the same things out of life that you do. It won’t be easy, and it won’t be fast, but you’re still 25. This is not your last chance for a great life partner. Prioritize yourself, and take the leap.
Good luck!
Honestly sounds like you’re going to have to make a hard decision. What do you want more? And would you resent your gf if you stayed?
Hate to say it OP but after a year and a half you folks at an impasse where no compromise is possible. You wish to move for perfectly valid reasons, she doesn’t want to move for equally valid reasons. So unless you can come to a compromise over this (which is doubtful without one of you “losing” out to the other) then you’ll be moving on your own.
I get that you have some great reasons for wanting to move however these are all **your** reasons and not hers. If she had some sort of investment in it and the move was of benefit to her, then she could see her way clear to move with you. But to her there is none – you are wanting to move for your reasons and her wishes/wants are not part of these reasons.
So have you looked at what possible benefits there are for **her** moving? Or have you not given that any thought?
Maybe it’s her turn to compromise for you!!! 1.5 yrs I’snt long. If you’re unhappy then move. If she follows … great. If not you dodged a bullet bc she won’t consider your happiness
If you are miserable I think you have your answer. The two of you want different things and that’s ok. Sometimes people move in different directions and if you are unhappy where you live that is a HUGE deal.
I don’t think you’ve been together long enough to make a major move together, especially since you don’t live together yet. It’s a huge gamble for both of you
You guys haven’t really been together long enough to make a major move like this and you both want to eventually go back to where your family lives. It might be best to just cut your losses and end the relationship now because you aren’t happy in NYC and she is, and you both want different outcomes.
Well, I guess she has some decisions to make them. You’ve kind of told her what you wanted. Don’t change stuff like that for a partner of the kind of this caliber. And what I mean by that and she could be a wonderful woman but you don’t live together and you’ve been together a year and a half. I would’ve felt different if you guys owned a place had a kid and we’re together like seven years. If there would be more of an investment. Obviously, you’re the one that has to make the choice but I feel like you’ve done that already. You want to move. So you may need to either end the relationship, attempt, long distance, relationship, and see if she still wants to be with you or stay in NYC
You are 25, and yours and GF’s futures do not align.
Move back home and regroup.
Does she have a high paying join NYC? Does she have family there? Was she born there and its all she knows? Those would be some pretty valid reasons for wanting to stay. But if none of those are true and she just likes the city life, than I would just establish the expectation that we are moving together or breaking up. Being indecisive about what you want is not gonna help you nor will it help her. Whether you go or stay, you should decide soon and let her know what action you are taking. How she chooses to react is out of your control
If you had been together for like 5 years and planning to propose soon etc I’d say this would be a more difficult thing for me to answer, but 1.5 years is imo, still a very fresh relationship. I think you will be much happier moving back home, your quality of life will be substantially better, you will be with family and can work towards the future you want.
She does not want to move to your hometown. I would never bank on that changing. Are you willing to put up with living in NYC for another 3 years, to then live in the town with her parents? Because it sounds like your dream is not even an option for her.
You get one life, only one. Make it the life you want. You will find someone else, it’s a big ol world out there.
You two just don’t sound compatible. It’s not her fault or your fault, it’s just how it is. And I don’t think long distance would be a good idea, because that’s just pushing the problem away for a while…till later, when you guys still probably won’t find a compromise on this.
Though the Catskills are very, very different from NYC. As someone who has lived both places. Like the hiking and owning land is certainly possible upstate. Really it’s just the family. You just clearly want to live near your family, which is fine, but she…wants to live near hers. And that’s not going to change.
It sounds like she’s a new yorker and she grew up in NY and her entire family also lives in NY… so of course, she will love NYC. Just like how you love your own hometown for the same reasons.
It sounds like you want to live in your hometown and SHE wants to live in her hometown. Both are respectable desires.
There’s needs to be some compromise on both sides. You need to have a clear discussion with her about your future and both of your feelings. This will clear up any questions and lead to other questions that can help you find the answer.