I’m trying to understand a situation that happened recently. Many of our disagreements follow this same pattern, so I’m trying to get some additional perspective on whether I’m being fair and reasonable or not. It’s a bit complicated, but I’m going to give it a try. TIA for your input!
My son was lashing out at my daughter and treating her poorly for no reason – reacting angrily at everything my daughter said, getting upset when my daughter just looked at him, and so forth. I told my son to stop being so rude and unpleasant, and told my daughter to give him some space when he’s irrational and angry.
Later, my wife told me that I needed to be careful when I say something like that, because my daughter will take it to mean that she’s done something wrong. I said I was trying to tell my daughter to steer clear of him when he’s angry partly to suggest something she could do to deescalate the situation, but also to protect herself from his insults and anger. My daughter is quick to feel guilty, so it’s a valid concern – but after thinking about it for a bit, I felt what I said was clear. I told my wife, “I didn’t think about it that way, and I understand that it may have come across that way to you. I disagree that what I said was unclear, but I’ll keep it in mind.”
My wife accused me of being a bad communicator, getting defensive instead of taking responsibility for making a mistake, and especially for not trusting her assessment more than I trusted my own.
I felt this was a reasonable way to express my own opinion without dismissing hers. I discovered later that she was right – my daughter did take it differently than I meant it – so I immediately clarified with my daughter and apologized for not being more clear. The issue wasn’t really whether I was right or wrong (or whether I was willing to take responsibility for it when I discovered I was wrong), though – my wife was upset about the fact that I was able to listen to what she said and then still disagree with her, as she felt it meant I didn’t trust and respect her opinion.
I later apologized for doubting her, because I could tell that was what she wanted to hear – but it felt wrong and dishonest to do so, because I feel it was entirely reasonable for me to have a different opinion provided I take responsibility when my actions actually hurt someone. Was I wrong?
TL;DR – I felt I respectfully disagreed with my wife, but she felt dismissed by my failure to agree with her.
8 comments
I think your opinion was a bit weird,because when someone else is telling you that what you said could be misinterpreted, then they are obviously correct that some people may misinterpret it, since their brain flagged an interpretation you did not mean. It is normal when you say something, because you have your intention firmly in your mind, for your brain to block out alternate interpretations. So, in a situation where someone is saying your words might be misinterpreted, the default should be to assume the listener has a point and the speaker is running a risk of being misinterpreted.
If you knew your wife saw that alternate interpretation, why would you be so confident that your daughter did not? That just seems odd to me. You’d have to assume that your daughter thinks very differently than your wife does, and if you had a strong reason to believe that – then that would be fair. But given that your daughter did interpret it similarly, it makes me think you just didn’t think it through at all.
Whatever. One thing my hb and i avoid doing at all, is commenting on each others parenting. He does it his way and i do it mine.
We are different and take different approaches.
I actually think this is a good thing. Kids learn that its okay for people to be different.
Anyway? I see no issue with what you said or how you apparently said it. I wouldnt have even thought about it if i was there!
Sounds like a mountains been made out of a molehill. You’re allowed to have a difference of opinion. You can’t always agree on everything. Not sure what you did wrong here tbh.
Not to be Solomonic, but I do believe you rejected too swiftly her opinion but at the same time it feels like she equates her way with the only way.
The way you describe this situation, your daughter really didn’t do anything wrong, but yet you gave her part of the responsibility for protecting herself against her brother’s insults and anger. My sense is that to you, in the moment, this felt like problem solving mode – as a parent, I’ve been there, and I’ve definitely jumped in and just told everybody to mind their Ps and Qs, no matter who started it.
But sometimes in that scenario I made an unfair call. And I have been a better parent when I was willing to own up to it afterward.
The interesting thing is that you did act on your wife’s feedback – you did apologize and talk to your daughter. It seems to me that to your wife, this feels like an issue of whether or not you are willing to validate her point about the effect on your daughter. While to you, this feels like an issue of whether your original intention was to make your daughter feel like she did something wrong. Do you see the distance between those two things?
Idk.. seems wife is being emotional. Guessing this isnt the only argument thats happened recently.
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>My wife accused me of being a bad communicator, getting defensive instead of taking responsibility for making a mistake, and especially for not trusting her assessment more than I trusted my own.
>I discovered later that she was right – my daughter did take it differently than I meant it –
It is pretty frustrating when you’re right about something and the other person refuses to believe you. Does this happen often? Maybe you do need to trust your wife’s judgement more than you currently do.