This feels like an odd post to write as I think about all of this so I will try my best to set the scene.
My partner (30m) didn’t really have any real friends before meeting me in university. He was kind of friends with some of the “nerdy kids” in grade school but I guess at one point they all shunned him and no one wanted to be friends with him so he was alone till he moved stayed away for university. As far as I know from his family and cousins he never did anything to deserve the treatment he got. He did really well in school, he was the state triple jump champion, he’s quite attractive, and generally sweet/calm person.
Then he met me and my friends group during university, we are all except for him either gay/lesbians (though I am obviously the one bi girl in the group). He was always a great friend to us, and was basically our “protector” when we went out to straight bars and clubs, he never tried to make a move on any of us and was always a great conversationalist, super smart guy, etc. We all assumed couldn’t believe we were his first real friends. We even set him up with girls, and he had a couple of relationships. Eventually all the partying caught up with him and he figured the drinking/drugs that were common with our friends wasn’t really for him.
Since that came about we started our relationship and it’s hard to imagine why he didn’t have any friends growing up. He’s basically been the perfect partner to me, he’s become quite successful without much effort, he’s a board member of a charity, he’s really active and has a lot of different interests.
But what I’ve noticed is that over and over again he tried to make friends with people he meets through his interests, or through work and he’s either basically shut down right away or over time they have said/done things to him that make him realize that he has yet again been excluded intentionally.
The most recent example was that a group of his coworkers (he does consulting on top of his board position) planned to go to a UFC event in Vegas without saying anything to him, and he is probably the biggest fan of that in his office, we go 2-3 times a year because he gets tickets/backstage because of his board position. Well it was quite a surprise to him to see a bunch of his co-workers who essentially hid from him that they were going. One of them was like “oh we didn’t know you’d be up for a trip like this”. Despite my partner telling them in the past that he’d get them tickets if they wanted to go with him. This is just one example of what I am feeling is a pattern.
I don’t understand what’s going on, but it is starting to make me wonder if there is something about him that I just don’t see, or if he acts differently when he’s not around me. I’ve even started noticing this with my own family. Despite my partner having basically renovated our entire house by himself (with my help as well), and him having a masters in engineering, I see no one in the family ask him for advice/help with any diy projects despite him offering to help multiple times. My brother in law even paid money to a contracting company who massively overcharged him and their engineers made a couple of errors that my partner eventually caught.
I eventually asked my parents if there was anything wrong with him that I don’t see and all they could really say was “oh don’t be silly, he’s fine.” Yet I’ve heard many times my father extoll what a “great guy” my sisters husband is despite him being the stereotype used car salesman.
Really though I feel so lucky to have met this guy, and I can see it hurts him the way people treat him despite what he projects outwardly. I don’t know what to do because the more and more I see this the thought creeps in my mind that something must be wrong for people to act the way they do towards him, and I just can’t wrap my head around what’s going on.
42 comments
Maybe he gives off a vibe that people can’t even explain or they don’t want to tell you why because they don’t want to hurt your feelings
I’m gonna assume, when he isn’t with you, he either acts a certain way or days certain things that can put people off.
Maybe he doesn’t vibe well with other men, but he’s a good friend for people who aren’t men?
I may get downvoted for this but i just have to ask- is he white? I’m not a POC myself but I have noticed POC get noticeably treated differently sometimes in predominantly white circles. I’m by no means saying this is the answer btw, just a thought.
Some people are just off putting to others. It also could be how he acts without you around, but that wouldn’t make sense if he’s aware of the issue.
Do you have any issues like this, too? It’s always possible that you’re blind to whatever the “problem” is because you do it, too. Some of the things you described could be from neurodivergence and it’s not uncommon for the partners or family members of ND folks be unaware because they have some of those traits themselves.
Have you ever asked anyone other than your parents about this?
He was friends with all of you and then just pulled away? What do others in the group think of him? Ask your dad for the flat out truth of what he thinks of him. Tell him it’s bothering you and you really need to know. The most telling is his coworkers….they spend the most time with him and they are shunning him. Why?
I’m going to take the assumption that there are no other red flags.
I’ve noticed with men who don’t fit the stereotype lad/ alpha/ brash and who might have a more gentle or refined mannerism often struggle with making other male friends. Even if they have an interest like UFC/ Formula One/ Football.
I’m assuming based on the information given – he wouldn’t find sexist/ racist/ jokes amusing. It’s a great characteristic but often alienating to other men who will make these “jokes” for the “banter.
Honestly I’d be assessing whether these are people you actually want to associate with.
Have you asked anyone in your life?
There’s actually a whole Seinfeld episode about this issue
This is tricky. People are different around different people. This varies as we all play different roles in different areas of our life. I’m very different at work than I am with my friends for example. It’s a flag that he has this issue with so many different people from all areas of his life and over the duration of his life.
People are reluctant to criticize other people’s spouses. No one said anything to me about my ex. When I left him they all said variations of “I never understood what you saw in him”. He also didn’t have any real friends. He always had people around him but no real friends.
People are good at picking up “vibes” that they can’t articulate. He’s clearly doing something that makes people uncomfortable. It may not be conscious on his part. I do notice that that you seem to be overly grateful to be with him. Maybe this brings out a different side of him and he has less for people who treat him as more of an equal.
He seems to be a good provider and you seem happy so it’s unlikely your parents would say anything negative, but it’s telling that they don’t speak about him with the same level of affection they have for your BiL.
It’s really impossible to say either way but I’d keep an eye on things.
Maybe people are intimidated by him? He sounds like an overachiever and that can rub people the wrong way.
Can I ask, are most of the groups he’s being “excluded” by exclusively or predominantly cishet men?
Is he “feminine” or queer-coded? He might be being discriminated against on that basis.
A lot of socializing for people is social ques. Nerds throw them off.
I’m thinking he may give queer vibes and some men don’t like that.
Engineers are extra practical and logical. Can potentially come across as condescending based on their intellect and confidence in their capacity to make a good argument. Not the most emotionally intelligent profession. A higher proportion of engineer fathers had children with aspergers. All of these traits can make it tough to develop friendships. Any of this sound familiar? Without more info it’s really anyone’s guess.
Is he a “one upper”? I have a brother in law who is a nice guy and hard working and also likes to do everything himself, but people can’t stand him long because no matter what you talk about with him, he has a better story. It’s like little man’s syndrome or something. He always tries to out talk everyone else achievements or steers the conversations back to his projects or ideas. Doesn’t take long for people find a reason to avoid doing much with him.
The colleagues might be stereotypical misogynistic men and can sense your partner wouldn’t be down with their shit.
This thread reminds me of “I Love You, Man”. Have you seen the movie? I almost wrote out the entire scene I’m thinking of
I am just saying this because I am fishing around at possible ideas. This is a really tricky situation, and it could be any number of things.
Personally, I am an introvert, and when I am in a relationship, I focus very directly on my relationship and not a ton on much else. He sounds like a very attentive lover, and a very driven individual, and that is great. If I were to guess – I would surmise that all of his resources are spent on you and his goals, so he sacrifices a lot of other relationships to get that.
I say this because I am the same way.
I definitely agree with other comments that he might not be alpha / frat type bro so he might not mesh well with coworkers. Your comments seem to back this up. You also say that your friends love him. Well, THAT is what really matters. Who cares about coworkers anyway. We often rely on friends and family for feedback on people we date and yours seem to approve so you are in a good position. I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.
Honestly he is probably not a “guys guy”, and he is also getting older. Older people tend to find it harder to make friends.
I am in the same boat as your husband, the only difference is I stopped trying to make friends a long time ago. I have a beautiful wife and daughter, and my animals … that’s all I really need
If he thinks of himself as a loner and someone who can’t make friends then he’s going to act like a loner who can’t make friends. In the sense that he probably is a bit stand off-ish and excludes himself from groups to protect himself. This could be misconstrued by his peers leading him to be further excluded. It’s hard to say for sure, but I’ve come across this idea recently and its definitely resonated with me as a loner myself.
So he doesn’t have any friends to hang out with? Like it’s not crazy to vibe with everyone. Like I can fake being nice for work etc but I’m not going to ask most of them to hang out outside of work/whatever. But I do have my friend group. Not as big as I probably would like, but I have them.
So no friends at all is weird. At 30 he should have found some people beyond you.
Do you have a friend that is known for telling the truth that’s met him?
I have a very small group of friends (3) and I don’t see them in person more then 3 times a year. I’m very happy with it this way, and my wife hates it.
I’m just not a social person. I hate parties and double dates and meeting new people.
Maybe he is just one of those men who don’t connect with other men?
I’m in the reverse. I’m a woman who just cannot connect with other women but connect well with men. Not romantically, just in a way I don’t connect with women. I have no idea why, but it’s just a fact.
Do you live in a place where men are more stereotypically “masculine”? “Boys will be boys,” rough housing, guy friends insult each other to bond kind of stuff. If you do and he’s not this type of guy, that could be a factor.
Is he neurodivergent or a bit awkward? Also, sometimes people are suspicious of people that are genuine and well intentioned, like “there’s no way they’re that nice, they’re up to something.” My bf is a very emotionally intelligent and empathetic person and he’s had people point-blank ask him why he is so nice and that it’s weird.
I could see why an LGBT crowd would be more accepting, being a group that has a harder time being accepted by others. It’s probably really refreshing for a straight man to be so kind and understanding, but others might not appreciate or relate to that.
it’s crazy, it’s like i’m exactly in your position. i’m 18 and it’s so weird not understanding the gap in perceptions
Do you have one of those BRUTALLY honest friends? Ask them- they’re usually rhe ones who can say it as it is. Maybe he’s just slightly socially awkward? Or maybe competitive? Or a “know it all”. Maybe he’s just very smart and not good at small talk and being a guys guy type with your BILS and father? Maybe he just doesn’t have anything in common with anyone? Maybe you should sit with you mom privately and ask her in serious way?
Is he autistic or some form of neurodivergent? It would make a lot of sense to me as that’s what gave me a lot of trouble too. Some people just see us as “off” or “weird” but can’t fully explain why
He’s the protector. He’s the biggest fan who can get the tickets. He can help with the diy projects and catches mistakes when not asked for his help…
Sounds kinda overbearing with some one upping thrown in. That doesn’t vibe with most people. People want a friend. A peer. Not someone who is constantly putting themselves in a position above them.
This is odd.. only thing I can think of is maybe it’s a racial thing? Or you may be overthinking things?
is he autistic or neurodivergent at all? a lot of autistic people have problems making friends and keeping them, but they can’t seem to figure out why. there are even studies done that show people inherently exclude autistic people because they find them “off putting”
another thought would be maybe he’s more effeminate? most of the people you mention not liking him happen to be cishet type men, is this true?
just some thoughts. obviously without knowing him, it could be anything
I’m a woman, but I so relate to this! I’m that person that’s friendly and gets along with most everyone on a surface level. People say they adore me…but I don’t actually get invited to anything. For me at least, I think maybe it’s possible I might be SLIGHTLY on the spectrum. Like people like me, but I just don’t quite know how to connect the final dot to bridge a true friendship. I literally do not know how to take friendship a step further. Does this feel familiar?
My husband is similar in the sense that he’s not an alpha type. So much so my friends who are very assertive often see him as precious or platonically cute.
I’m the same but with the opposite gender. Absolutely horrible relationships with women, fantastic with men.
I would continue to try and encourage him to find like minded friends through passions of his. I finally got my husband some dnd buddies.
Could he be neurodivergent? By chance are you? Does he feel/notice/care about this apparent unpopularity?
Well ufc is simple. He doesn’t really drink or do drugs of sorts. Often time men will try and over drink and see who can get the most fucked out of everyone. This usually leads to the exclusion of people who don’t drink much as often times drunk people figure they won’t want to hang out with them, and as an extension, don’t want the possibility of ruining vibes in either party. I went to ufc on Saturday and most of the party were on the one guys ass for not drinking that night (I was thankful because saved me a taxi 😂$. I could see how if he weren’t a main part of the group already tho why they would choose to exclude him. And then keep it a secret as-well. Clearly they care about the guy and didn’t wanna hurt his feelings.
Your post reminds me a lot of myself. Growing up I was bullied a lot, struggled with friends, had a hard time connecting to people in uni and later work. According to people I didnt do anything wrong per say, but somehow I would be edged out of groups, be excluded and if I took initiative no one could. As it turns out, in my case I was autistic, I just didnt know.
I have found some lovely little groups of mostly ND and queer people where I feel at home now, there seem to be quite a lot of overlap. These are all wonderfull, kind, thoughfull, hard working people that I feel lucky to have in my life. But they share much of my struggle outside of the group. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them, there is just something about us that dont entirely jive with regulare social standards and norms. We dont do anything wrong, we’re just giving off a slight uncanny valley effect to those who are not like us.
There have been studies that points to this as well. What we say isnt nessesarily wrong in any way, but there is something about how we hold ourselves and communicate that alllistics subconsciously pick up on. They couldnt pinpoint what or why, but the studies pointed towards allistic people consistantly being less likely to want to spend more time with the autistic person.
I’m not diagnosing your partner with anything, btw. Its more so that some of us, for different reasons, are just slightly different enough in some way or other that the majority of people will gravitate away from us and more towards the people who are more like themselves. Its just easier for them. Frustrating and hurtfull for the person its happening to, absolutely, but it also doesnt mean that there are anything wrong with them.
I’ll be honest. 30 years old with no friends? That’s a legit red flag. There’s something going on that he is doing that is off putting enough that no one in his life has maintained a friendship worth while. And no new friends really? I just feel like there’s something to be said about not having any friends at all, and falling out with everyone who has tried to be your friend. Like it’s okay to have like one friend. Or a few friends you live far away from. But none? It just doesn’t sit right with me.
Edit: I also want to add that it’s always concerning when someone starts to isolate away from a friend group after dating someone within that group. Like maybe it’s drugs? Or maybe he just doesn’t like sharing his attention with you with other people. It’s just something to be aware of.
I dunno… your post sort of comes across as if you both think he should automatically be included in things, and if he isn’t included then that means he’s being rejected? I wouldn’t say that’s true.
Maybe he, and possibly you, expect too much from others. There’s more to friendships than saying “I like this thing, I expect you to let me partake in everything related to that thing”. That’s moving way too fast, especially with something as personal as a weekend away. There’s no way I’d expect people from work to invite me on a trip, unless I was really good friends with them already.
My advice to your partner would be to start slow. Build bonds first. Start with just one person he can make friends with. Do casual things like hang out at a bar or cafe or whatever. Don’t make grand gestures like doing engineering works or expecting to go on mini vacations. Those things come with time and trust.
I would advise him not to get disheartened and not to throw away potential friendships because of his feelings of rejection. Instead he should be patient and slow. Don’t force things.
Finally, because of his senior position at work it’s best for him to focus on making friends outside of work, because in reality most people don’t want to hang around with their boss.
Sorry but I find most of these responses quite perplexing. The majority of the comments here are placing the blame on everyone else. Your partner has very traditional male interests, ie watching fights, hunting, etc, which tend to be the basis of male friendships (enjoying shared interests together). Furthermore, your own family finds him off putting. I’m sure you are quite aware what describing someone as “fine” means.
So either, everyone else is wrong and your partner is perfect or there’s something wrong with him that you are blind to.
You’re asking a question that is fundamentally impossible for strangers on the internet to answer as you are not a reliable narrator in this situation. You should really consider seeking real help. Someone unable to make or maintain meaningful friendships is something that should raise concerns
I guess people think he’s neurodivergent because this is exactly the experience of a lot of neurodivergent people…
I’m on the spectrum, I got masking down to a T so I appear pretty neurotypical in most settings. But I struggle a lot with relationships and generally I am not a popular person. Got excluded from a lot of things over the years, had friends indulge in my hobbies without inviting me, have my offers of help constantly turned down, etc. Those who don’t know me well enough or love me don’t see why this is happening, they all think I’m great. Which is fantastic, I do love these people. But the majority of people I encounter simply just don’t vibe with me since I can’t 100% behave the way a neurotypical person would. It sucks, but such is life.