My husband (27M) and I (25F) have lived together for almost 2 years. While we were dating we always cooked together. He would joke that he taught me how to cook (definitely didn’t lol) Now that we have been living together, I can count on one hand the amount of times that he’s cooked for me or even with me. I’m talking about breakfast, lunch or dinner. It didn’t bother me at first, but since his role in his career changed and he has more of a flexible schedule, I was hoping that it would change. It hasn’t, so I’ve brought it up to him numerous times. I’ve told him that it bothers me that I’m expected to do all of the cooking. And if I say I don’t want to, he orders take out. I understand he feels loved when someone cooks for him, but so do I. I just want balance and some help. But since voicing this to him, nothing has changed. He makes no effort to help at all. He says that *I* make him feel guilty for not helping… yet he still doesn’t help. And I don’t use guilt, but he knows when something is bothering me or when I’m upset. I would understand if I wasn’t working. But I do work around 30 hours a week and I’m in online schooling which averages between 30-40 hours a week. I’m not sure if I need to just get over it or what. But telling him that it bothers me has changed nothing. When he’s told me I’m the past that something i do or don’t do bothers him, I make a conscious effort to change it. I was just hoping he would too.
TL;DR- my husband (27) knows that it bothers me (25) that he doesn’t help with cooking, but makes no effort to change it.
12 comments
Are you looking more for suggestions on what to do, or opinions on what’s going on?
Agree on an acceptable number of times you want to eat out per week or per month. Take the rest of the days and split them in half, where you cook on one half, and he does the other. Make a schedule if you have to. It’s not fair for you to have to cook 100% of the time and if your finances are mixed, him ordering takeout is not him doing his share, it’s him trying to convince you to do all the real work.
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I’ve had the exact same conversation with my boyfriend, and recently. He told me that I do t have to cook for him if I feel like the dishes are too much for me and he has no problem ordering out if I don’t want to cook. When we first started dating he used to help me in the kitchen and even make meals. He rarely ever cooks anymore and he told me…. He said: how about this, when I cook I’ll wash the dishes. WHEN DO YOU COOK? WHAT KIND OF COMPRISE IS THAT? There was no solution or compromise to our disagreement. He says that it’s work, and he rather not make work for himself. He would rather eat whatever can be delivered. I tried to explain that in a relationship why wouldn’t I cook for my man? But why can I receive the same treatment? We have lived together for 3 years. Things are different. I feel stuck as well. I feel like my feelings are false.
Talk to him about a budget for takeout food
> He says that I make him feel guilty for not helping
I would ask directly, “Do you think you should be contributing equally to the cooking or not contributing equally?” (Do not use the word “helping” as that implies it’s your job and anything he does is a favor to you)
If he says equally, then I would ask why he feels guilty when you mention that he’s not contributing equally. The only logical conclusion is that he feels guilty because he knows he’s not doing his part. If you get different answers, then you have a different problem on your hands.
You drop it if you want to always cook and eventually always do everything domestic and decide on every domestic task.
You cannot ask him to change this. He likes this setup, it feels very patriarchal. He’s very content to buy his leisure time with your labor.
So, you tell him to start being a goddamned adult and cook half the food or there will be consequences: and here’s the thing, you HAVE to be willing to take his anger on this without relenting.
I, personally, would stop cooking for him. I would prepare 1 serving of every meal and eat it all.
You cannot win this while he’s getting what he wants, why would he change? You have to make him understand that he doesn’t get a free ride, you are not his chef/maid/sex kitten. And he’ll be pissed off about it. He wants this 1950s male fantasy, you gotta decide if you wanna be his little wifey.
You might be witnessing an allusion to the future where he slowly becomes a partner that does nothing for you. Obviously not responding to your requests. If he’s not willing to make a serious effort to address this, then that would be a really bad sign for the future. Do you plan on having children? Because i can only imagine how terrible of a partner he might become of he’s not even willing to do a minimal effort thing like cook a meal once in a while. Next laundry, then other domestic chores, then what?
You’re locked in now. He doesn’t have to pretend you’re equal anymore.
You need to die on this hill now because it means the respect for you isn’t there, and that’s no way to marriage.
There’s multiple ways to go about this and only you will know the best way of dealing with it. You can decide if it’s not really a major issue when you consider all of the things he does which irritate you. Nobody will ever be perfect. You just have to find someone with the downsides you can deal with.
Does he just really enjoy your cooking. Maybe it reminds him of his mother’s cooking growing up and that’s why he likes you cooking?
Does he do other things around the house to offset the fact you always cook?
Does he just believe in the whole old fashioned house wife/husband values
Does he work a more demanding job? What hours a week does he work?
Does he even consider the extra 10 hours of online schooling to be work? Maybe he thinks you have lots of extra time on your hands because you are at home?
How are chores split between you in general? If it’s fairly even, then have you considered having him do more of something else in return for you taking on all the cooking? Sometimes there are just some chores you hate. Perhaps cooking is like that for him.
If there is already an inequality in how you’re splitting household labor, then you have bigger problems.
OP I used to be the one who cooked – all the time. Now that my fiancée is home before me, he cooks and grocery shops most of the time and I contribute in other ways to make up for it.
If he isn’t cooking he needs to at least ve spending an equivalent amount of energy on extra responsibilities to make up for the shortfall.
However if he has the flexible schedule he should be cooking and you should instead make up for the shortfall in responsibilities.
It is beyond easy to throw together an edible meal (not a complicated one, an edible one) and seeing as his schedule is better suited to it he doesn’t have an excuse.
Sit him down and have a conversation about division of labour. You both live in the house you both need to be contributing to it.