My (F 40’s) boyfriend (M 40’s), ‘Craig’, has had a few issues over the years. He was bullied in school, had some other issues with his family, and I think he probably suffers from depression or PTSD. He is not an easy person but is a good and decent person.
A few years back Craig and I went to visit my father (80’s), brother and sister for the first time, and it didn’t go well. Craig was nervous, drank too much and I think went into ‘fight or flight’ mode, because he seemed defensive. It wasn’t really that bad but he became a bit belligerent at the end of the evening (my father was already asleep by then).
On speaking with my father after the visit, I said that Craig had been a bit nervous but would be more relaxed next time. My father, however, said he ‘never wants to see Craig again’. I was a bit shocked as his behaviour was really not that bad and I thought my father would be more understanding. I didn’t tell Craig about this. For a couple of years I kept hoping my father would change his mind. It was awkward for me trying to visit my Dad (who lives a fair way away) without inviting Craig. Craig comes from a close-knit family and I am invited to all their events, so the situation was difficult for me.
It became obvious my Dad wouldn’t change his mind, but I still didn’t know how to tell Craig. I thought this wasn’t really Craig’s fault, and my Dad was over-reacting. Craig felt rejected by his own father, and I didn’t want to put him in a situation where a father figure was rejecting him again. And I didn’t want him to get depressed about it. He’s actually extremely sensitive.
Anyway, now my sister is getting married, and I know Craig won’t be welcome at the wedding (I haven’t even asked if he can come as I know the answer will be no – due to my Dad). It will be a very small wedding. I’m not sure how to tell Craig I’m going without him. I’m thinking of saying it’s a very small wedding with only immediate family members, no significant others. But wanted to know if that is a fairly common thing that would sound realistic to say? (Even if it is common, Craig would probably feel slighted by this.)
If it comes down to telling Craig that my Dad has a problem with him, I’m thinking of framing it more that my Dad is a bit paranoid and for some reason has a phobia about him – which is not completely untrue, my Dad does get a bit paranoid. I really don’t want to say that my Dad doesn’t like him and never wants to see him again, as that sounds so extreme.
Any other way I could handle it?
TL;DR: My father doesn’t like BF and doesn’t want him at sister’s wedding, not sure to tell him I am going to the wedding alone.
9 comments
> I thought this wasn’t really Craig’s fault
The drinking?
>I’m not sure how to tell Craig I’m going without him. I’m thinking of saying it’s a very small wedding with only immediate family members.
You said hes super sensitive. You dont think he’ll catch on to this?
>If it comes down to telling Craig that my Dad has a problem with him, I’m thinking of framing it more that my Dad is a bit paranoid and for some reason has a phobia about him – which is not completely untrue, my Dad does get a bit paranoid. I really don’t want to say that my Dad doesn’t like him and never wants to see him again, as that sounds so extreme.
Craig is in his 40s, he’s not a nervous 19 year old. I dont see what the problem is with telling him your dad is still hanging on to what happened in the past. You think its irrational at this point, but it is what it is. So how do you find a solution? I think one way is for your dude to talk to your dad face to face and basically apologize. If your dad doesnt care, then at least you tried. But to try to treat your grown ass BF like a child and make up bullshit so he doesnt get upset is sad.
I get that he has some issues, but in order to progress the relationship certain things need to be done. If he cant do those things, the relationship may not survive.
Is there any way you could stand up to your dad to make an exception for your sister’s wedding?
I’ll think he’ll be deeply hurt if you don’t at least try
Stop making excuses for Craig. My guess is that hes an asshole and you spend half your time making excuses for his poor behaviour. My guess is hes rude and obnoxious and my guess is your father isnt the only person he’s been rude to that now has little to do with you.
Craig is the problem. Not your father. Really? It’s very appalling of you to even consider making out this is your fathers fault and saying untrue, somewhat insulting things about your father… to (yet again) protect Craig😡
Craig needs to understand that there are consequences to poor behaviour (normally something that one learns as a 15 year old) Stuff him. If he isn’t welcome at the wedding? He isnt. As a darn 40 year old? He surely is hopefully mature enough to get over it.
One of two things is going on here: either Craig is a jerk and he has problems like this often (suspect this is it due to the lack of details on how he got “belligerent”) or your dad is the jerk.
If it’s the former then consider what you’re doing with your life. If the latter then I’d make it clear that you can’t just invite you and not him because you two are a pair now.
What exactly happened those years ago? You said your dad had gone to bed, so he didn’t witness what happened? Did your siblings tell him? I must know!
Hmmm.
Are your siblings amenable to possibly easing him into their lives or are they in a similar place to your dad?
Or maybe what I want to ask is do you see a future with this guy? If you want him to be a permanent fixture in your life your family will presumably have to deal with him eventually. Could it be that what happened may have been a little worse than you remember it?
Thank you for the comments, they are all helpful.
I mean, be careful here. You seem to be approaching near outright codependency with how readily you rationalise, defend, and in many ways outright enable Craig.
Reality is he got drunk and beligerant at a family gathering. He should have promised to never drink a drop again the next day and he didn’t. Your father, and likely everyone that has ever dealt with Craig drunk or just emotional, rightfull worry that he is a hand grenade and will make an event like a wedding about himself.
The enabling to me is that you seem to want to coddle Craig. He needs therapy, not someone protecting him from reality. He is 40, he can’t keep hiding from dealing with what is going on.
>My (F 40’s) boyfriend (M 40’s), ‘Craig’, has had a few issues over the years. He was bullied in school, had some other issues with his family, and I think he probably suffers from depression or PTSD. He is not an easy person but is a good and decent person.
Because ‘probably’ just isn’t good enough. People just shrugging and going with the flow is how he has made it to his 40s so obviously dysfunctional. And right now you have created an environment he definitely won’t need to change.
What is your long term plan for this relationship? Do you really think you can keep up this charade of not telling him the truth indefinitely?
Do you never spend holidays with your family or do you go and leave him behind even at things like holidays?
Are you hoping to get married someday? How will you explain your father not being at your wedding?
Do you live together? That means your parents can never visit you if you and your bf live together.
And, how bad is your idea of not that bad? If your bf’s actions really weren’t that bad, then your dad is extremely over the top in his reaction and you need to deal with that problem or your boyfriend has a much worse temper or attitude than you’re letting yourself see and you need to deal with that problem. Either way, lying isn’t the answer.