(31f) My (34m) husband said he will never ever show me his bank account, because he is entitled to his privacy. I have never asked to see it until last year: he invested in stocks and lost a lot of money, so I started to feel unsafe and asked to participate in our financial decisions. He said is non of my business and he will never tell me how much he lost. CONTEXT: Married for 7 years. I gave up my life back in my home country and moved in with him. He wants to have a baby next year but that is risky for me, because by law, IF we ever divorce I would not be able to move back to my country with the kid without his permission. I have no real support system here in this country. He makes more money than me and pays a bigger share of the bills, pays vacation, dinners, and give me ocasional gifts. Still, i hear that married couples to their financial decisions together, but he is letting me out of it. I am not a gold digger, i have my savings and contribute proportionately to bills. He says he does not want to see my bank account and he will not show me his, and we should just trust each other, but if feels he does not trust me with his finances. What if we have a child and something happens to him, how will we get access to the family finances for safety… I also wonder if Is there any transactions he is perhaps hiding.
tldr: husband does not want me to see his bank account, ever, and is pressuring for a baby.
6 comments
The solution to this is simple: open a joint bank account. You agree how much you each need to pay into it per month, and use it to pay for bills, groceries and any other expenses you both share between you. That way, you get financial security and he gets to keep his privacy.
Sounds like the trust benefits him but not you. It’s great that he pays but could you do it alone if you had to?
>I have never asked to see it until last year: he invested in stocks and lost a lot of money, so I started to feel unsafe and asked to participate in our financial decisions. He said is non of my business
Excellent – get this on an e-mail or via text and store it.
If it comes to divorce, you hold onto that, because it’s him admitting that the finances were **not** joint finances, and that any gigantic, unfathomable debts he drew up were his decision alone, and that you had been explicitly barred from having access to that information.
You already know the situation – your husband hides his bank account because he gambles on stocks with it, and loses big. By hiding his bank account, you can’t know his true losses. He might be living entirely on credit. He might have astronomic debts and all of his liquidity is from credit cards. All you know is that he’s hiding bad finances – no husband hides *good* finances from their spouse.
So this is where it becomes a “you” problem – you are accepting this situation. You are consenting to the marriage continuing when you know this to be the case. If a divorce does come around, and you’ve allowed this to happen, you cannot then complain and say “but it’s not fair – he had huge hidden debts” because you became aware of that, or at least its possibility, and refused to act.
As always, you have to be prepared to terminate the marriage over it. That doesn’t mean you do, but it permits you to make the ultimatum – “you have to be honest with me, or I have to pursue the termination of this marriage – it is not consistent with my values to have the information I have access to controlled in this way, I think you’re hiding the fact that you’re driving us both into serious debt”.
If you’re never going to make that ultimatum, well then the current situation is not inconsistent with your values – you are, on balance, prepared to be run into huge amounts of debt in the name of “keeping the peace”. Fine – if that’s what you believe to be the more valuable thing, then pursue it, but you cannot then, when it comes to the divorce, act as though you did not consent to the calamity. By virtue of you having explicitly allowed this state of affairs, and having explicitly said “you hiding that situation from me is not grounds to terminate the marriage or demand access” you will have agreed that this is an outcome you’re fine with.
Hi Op,
Ive been married for 4.5 years. Been with my husband for 6. I also moved away from my home country to be with my husband. We have 3 kids. Because of the country im from my kids arnt automatic citizens so it would be hard for me to take them back if we were to split.
Before marriage we had a joint account and our own accounts . When we moved to my husbands home country we got a joint account. We also have a account for our mortgage and another account. But we both have access to all 3.
My husbands friend met a girl overseas. Shes moved to his home country. Had a baby and then he left her 3 months after the baby was born. She had no support in his home country. Did not speak the language fluently. Cant take her son out the country without her exs consent. He royally fucked her. And to top it off he cheater on her.
Until you get the finance issue sorted do not get pregnant by this man.
You should pack up your stuff and move home.
Have you discussed how finances would work if you have a baby and are not working for awhile? Definitely do not have a child with him if you’re uncomfortable with what he says about finances.
The thing about marriage is that countries have their own definitions of what they mean, financially. I’d recommend doing some research to see how this country defined marital assets and debts.
The bottom line is that he’s told you how he’s going to treat you, and it’s unlikely that he’ll change his mind. You can try talking to him about it more, but you need to decide what you’ll do if it doesn’t change.