I have finally, only recently, met the girl I could imagine spending my life with. I don’t think I’ve felt this positively about anyone before.
We have amazing chemistry too.
After a lot of build up to sex and some very sexy messaging between meets, I had her very excited and with high expectations for the night we knew we’d end up in bed.
However, because of these expectations, and also worrying about the buzz kill of condoms, I was unable to get it up and we just rolled around waiting for something to happen.
She said it’s fine but I’m so pissed off that this has happened, not only because it’s embarrassing, but because it has ruined the start of a brilliant relationship.
I’m worried I won’t confidently be able to address sex at all with her now, and worried that this stress I’ve put on myself could cause this to happen again. The pressure will be there again and again.
I know why it happened, it’s because I saw it as being so important.
Has this happened to anyone else here and how the hell do I get past this??
21 comments
I think you just need to take a deep breath and make sure to not to overthink I have not had the same thing as you but whenever I overthink I get overwhelmed and think it won’t work out and it really won’t I think you need to find a way you can make yourself calm for me I have tried meditative breathing it keeps me calm when my anxiety hits me
That’s not your penis ruining anything, it’s your brain. You say yourself there was performance anxiety and the more you think and worry about that the worse it’s likely to be. No need to think it’s ruined anything though, you guys have great chemistry, enjoy each other and turn each other on with sexy massage etc.
She said it’s fine, if I were in your shoes I’d have a talk about it to say that it felt so important to get it right that you put too much pressure on yourself. Go slower, enjoy all the stuff that’s not PIV, next time you’re close to the sexy bit, maybe make sure you’ve made her cum (so there’s less pressure on the PIV) and maybe get her to put the condom on you so you don’t get stuck in your head (plus can be v sexy) and if it doesn’t work, pleasure each other in other ways.
This happens, this is normal
Think of it this way. This is your forever girl right? Well in your forever life together youre going to have good days and bad days. This is just seeing her response to bad days. Sounds like she is super mature and okay with it. This is great
But this is obviously performance anxiety. So take the pressure off yourself, go slow. and you dick will be harder than a diamond (please see a doctor if it is actually this hard)
Don’t masturbate for weeks bruh. Problem solved.
Yes. It’s happened to me, mostly from drugs and alcohol but it happens to men all the time.
The best thing you can do is NOT overthink it. Don’t let it get in your head. Try and laugh it off.
The next time you get together, go in with no expectations and just stay in the moment.
Performance anxiety.
You will have to wait until you are comfortable and confident.
She can give you a massage.
Best suggestions are: perform oral on each other. Finger her. Make her orgasm. Once you feel like she is having a good time the pressure will melt away. Your dick is the center of attention for you… But not for her.
Also you can use a female condom . It goes in her and if you get hard you can put it in her right away. She can go down on you and that would probably make you hard so you can fuck her.
Normal condom. Open the package. Have it ready with lube so if you do get hard you don’t fumble with it.
Woman here, it really does happen to every guy and it really isn’t a big deal. I would say actually every one of my serious partners had this issue at the start, it’s anxiety. The more you want it, the higher the pressure, the easier it is to get in your head about it. If she’s a good person, she will understand that.
The only thing that’s off-putting is if it ruins the rest of the sex because he’s obviously upset. To most women, penises are not the best part of sex haha. If you’re happy to make up for it in other areas until you can hopefully relax and get the engine started then all should be good. (Honestly sometimes I’m secretly glad when it happens because it means I get extra foreplay lol)
Unfortunately the more you stress the more likely it is to happen again. Just enjoy and savour her body, indulge and have a good time. If you’re thinking long-term then there’s plenty of time for PIV later, she will remember the awesome foreplay more
Hi I (f24) and my bf (m25) have had this happen to us to and it was a pattern for a while. Because it happend once he was scared it would happen again so when we started getting intimate instead of getting exited hr would get stressed and nothing is a better boner killer than being scared or stressed.., sooo what we did is we took a few steps back. We made the choice not to pleasure ourselfs for 2 weeks and not to have sex and let the sexual tention between us linger and grow, in that time we found other intimate thing to enjoy that was not PIV we gave me a massage, used toys on me, I gave him a massage we kissed, touched and embraced eachother and talked about things that we like, fantasies, kinks and other things. Not very long after he started getting hard and horny, because the pressure was of and because I simply enjoyed the other things so much. Sex is not just PIV specially for women, it is intimacy, connection, trust and forplay, forplay, forplay.
This happened to my bf a lot when we first started dating, do not worry!! She will understand! Just tell her the truth, that you’re just nervous because you really like her. Especially if you take the time to make her cum without worrying about whether or not you do. My bf and I have been together 5 years now and have an amazing sex life, it really won’t matter in the long run.
Just say it’s an old military wound from when u ran into a burning building and saved a box of kittens and 2 burning babies. She will be so in awe of your heroism that your flaccid member won’t matter. Cause trust me they say it doesn’t matter but females are lying when they say that.
I had this exact same experience. And I can only suggest viagra. I know it’s kind of artificially obtaining an erection but it is what it is. Works for me most of the time. Trouble is you become reliant on it and then never get to the bottom of why ed happened in the first place
Honestly I have never successfully had sex with someone on the first attempt because of performance anxiety. It gets me every time I am with someone new. Hell it even gets me now sometimes in a 7 year relationship.
Thing is, it all works out eventually. It’ll happen.
Its your mind controlling your other brain .chill relax
Don’t worry about it, these things happen to all men at some point. The part that compelled me to comment here, is that I see you say “she wouldn’t let me make her cum,” in a lot of your replies. You even say how terrible of a decision that was of her to make and that it made you feel worse. Did you ask her repeatedly? After your performance issues had already manifested? After she already said it was fine and to not worry about her? I personally would’ve found that extremely off-putting. Really hard to be in the mood once your partner is deep in his feeling about his sexual performance. Then if he were to insist that he go down on me or whatever, after it is clear that he’s only doing it because his penis isn’t cooperating, that wouldn’t make me feel good. Like here have a consolation prize. Plus, it’s difficult for women to orgasm in the first place, especially with new partners, and then you wanted that to be the entire show? No wonder she was trying to politely move on. That’s just a different kind of pressure, now entirely on her, that y’all’s sex session did not need. Take a step back, talk about things, and try again later when there is less pressure on it.
It happens to the best of us, brother. Often it just means you’re rushing, you’re not sufficiently aroused.
Give yourselves time for a little foreplay, you don’t need to jump straight to sex. Rub her, go down on her, this will likely turn you on quite a bit as well. If your little soldier is too nervous to show up, just focus on her until she comes.
Re: condoms… these few tips should help.
1. Don’t put it on until you’re 100% ready (see foreplay advice above).
2. Putting on a condom is a multi step process. Break it up into its component pieces. Trying to do it all at once while you’re both aroused is like stopping to do an algebra problem (and is a boner killer, particularly if you’re a little nervous).
3. Keep it close. If it’s not close, get it before you need or are ready for it, and put it on the nightstand or something. Then go back to focusing on her. Then open the wrapper. Then go back to her. Only when you are fucking good and ready, put it on.
4. Have her put it on for you, while continuing to touch you. Basically, rather than stopping the action to go out on a uniform, incorporate the act of putting it on into the sex itself. You’re way more likely to keep it up.
Trust me, this advice is the byproduct of a lot of frustrating trial and error lol
You just can’t force it and now you know when this happens, as it will on occasion, that she’s going to be cool about. Step in and swing kid
Take care of her pleasure, she will enjoy the moment and you will forget about insecurities while doing so and you will be good for a good night with her
I took half a viagra a few times to get some confidence and some wins under my belt after the same thing happened to me.
I only used it about 4 times then had the self-confidence to stop taking it.
It’s most likely all in your head but there are some things you can do before going down the viagra route. Some people have luck with stuff like L-arginine (naturally occuring amino acid 30 mins to 1hr prior just to increase blood flow. In the longer term, i don’t know you but working on diet and cardiovascular health makes a huge diff to sexual performance. As well as overall diet and cardiovascular health, doing pelvic floor exercises help, too. If you watch porn and jerk off, stop cold turkey.
Normally once you get past the first mental ‘hurdle,’ these things tend to work themselves out and you won’t have any further problems.
If she is a reasonable person, she will understand your problem and not take it personally.
So something like this happened my first time with a guy. It was his first time too. He went to talk to his father who is a doctor and he straight up said it’s most likely stress. I had my own problems from stress so just relax.
I don’t know how old you are but unless you are in your 60’s you really don’t need to worry about things like ED. So talk to her and tell her that you have been really stressed out and ask if you can take the relationship slower when it comes to sex.
If she is as great as you make her out to be then she will understand.