Just wondering your thoughts on “banter”. I’ve read a few posts and thoughts regarding it in other groups I’m in where people are pretty hard lines about “has to be great banter or I’m out”. Seems like those I’ve had the early on, great banter with are those who have in many cases, also fizzled the fastest. Yes, they know how to communicate and have some funny questions and lines but maybe they just know what to say?
I’m also weary of the big “spark” early on as I’ve dated a few guys who almost had a formula for making one.
I met a guy a little while ago who seems genuine and very kind and has a lot of the qualities I’m looking for in someone. Our text conversation is not great (short) but in person, we seem to have lots to discuss and laugh about. We don’t text every day and I’m okay with the cadence because we both seem pretty busy.
Just wondering if you think banter = higher success for the best matches or if you’ve found people to be better in person and the quality of text /conversation can grow once you get to know someone.
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It depends. As a guy in the OLD scene, I’ve always felt some pressure at the initial stages of a conversation with a match to keep the conversation engaging. Usually I ask questions about something they have on their profile and go from there.
I think in your situation with this guy; if the conversation is better in person than in text, that’s a heck of a lot better than the other way around. Think about it; if you all go down the path of a relationship and eventually marriage and a family, you’d much prefer your partner to be a better communicator in person than over text.
I feel like when a lot of people say “banter” they really just mean “able to have a conversation.” Actual banter involves an element of teasing, which does not seem to be what people are actually looking for most of them time (because…who wants to be teased–essentially, poked fun at–by someone who is a stranger?!) I think people are, rightfully, wanting to have a true back-and-forth conversation that doesn’t just sort of lag or become an interview…I mean, some people are probably looking for true banter and want to get straight to teasing. These are probably the same people who put “roasting is a love language” on their profiles. And great, I hope they meet their person! But just admitting that you like to be mean to the people you like (but in a humorous way, so its fine) is weird…
So. Banter is not important to me. Good conversation, including about light engaging topics, is a must.
To me banter is separate from conversation. And I’ve had excellent banter with folks where the conversation has been wanting. I’ve had excellent conversation where there’s been hardly any banter. And everything in between.
To me it’s all just interpersonal dynamics. Some people bring (and draw out) different energies and as a result each connection can be different.
For me personally? I pay attention to whether I’m learning enough about them/they’re learning enough about me. I look for balance between playful and getting to know each other.
The extremes of no banter/poor conversation are things I actively eschew and will bail on.
Find out what you want/need and seek it. But know not everyone you have good banter with in person will show it over text first.
Oh, all this time I’ve honestly thought banter was just small talk lmao. We do have to be able to make decent small talk, and long-term the guy’s small talk skills have to be good enough for him to be able to talk to my friends at least
To me, banter generally means having some teasing or crude sense of humor. I would not say it’s just “being able to have conversations”. Its a very specific way of communicating, often poking fun or roasting at each other without going over the line.
Some people just do *not* do well with getting poked fun at. Look at the type of people who openly post on /r/roastme and ask yourself if you would. When I think of someone who likes banter I think of that person.
From my personal experience I do think it is important, it’s a type of conversation that brings out a uniqueness to the relationship you’re in. When my current boyfriend and I started seeing each other, we had really great banter but we didn’t have very deep conversations, so I was worried it wouldn’t work out because good banter doesn’t define a good relationship. The deep conversations started happening a little later but I do think both elements are extremely important in a relationship it’s just different things might take different amounts of time to develop.
As a lover of banter and quippiness, I wouldn’t say that it could be summed up in being mean to someone in a humorous way. For me, it’s the ability to talk about literally anything but spin it into a fun, playful conversation that engages both people. I also think that for me…I would prioritize the “banter” being good in person over text. Being able to go through life with someone who could literally talk about paint drying but make it fun and add a little snark or sass here and there is very important to me. So that’s what I mean if/when I address a desire for banter in my OLD profile.
To me, banter is being able to have a light-hearted, funny back-and-forth in your conversation. It’s usually witty or flirty, and for me at least is not about roasting the other person.
Here’s a recent example:
– Him: So have you ever done (date suggestion from my profile)?
– Me: Are you trying to be my first? 😜
– Him: Don’t threaten me with a good time 😏
– Me: Friday at 7?
That same conversation without banter would be something like:
– Him: So have you ever done (date suggestion from my profile)?
– Me: Yes! It’s a fun way to get to know someone.
– Him: Interesting. Would you like to do (date suggestion) on Friday? How’s 7?
Do you. When I was OLD I would scroll past any person who mentioned “banter” in their profile. My sense of humour is quite silly and quirky and I don’t really like humour that comes across like a thinly-veiled insult or neg, which is what banter seems to mean in my part of the U.K.
For me banter matters a lot. I almost ended things with the girl I’m seeing now because our banter isn’t the same as I’ve had with past relationships, but because it’s a super healthy connection and nothing else bothers me about her, I didn’t. I’m glad I stayed because it has improved over time. I think it was mature of me actually. My last girlfriend was so funny and we had amazing banter, but there were also tons of red flags. If I judged every potential connection on banter alone I’d probably end up in another toxic relationship.