Me and my gf are in a committed relationship and planning engagement this summer. We have been in love for 9 years but broke up back in 2020 for 2 years in which she dated a guy for 6 months. We got back together a year ago.
She met this guy in a foreign country that should we never visit again nor see him.
Recently she added him on instagram and I asked her why to which she explained that they ended on good terms and were so close (he wanted to propose) and that now feelings are over and each of them is in a relationship. She said that they don’t talk or anything but she just added him.
Then she said that yeah they talk a bit. However I made myself clear that it would be a deal breaker for me and I dont want my GF to be friends with their ex nor be in contact. She insisted that it’s normal to be friends and her opinion is different.
I broke up with her but she came back explaining that they are not friends and she blocked him everywhere and she doesn’t care about him.
A month later I was sitting beside her and he popped in her DMs. She said that he just sends stuff and she doesn’t respond and that she had to lie about blocking him because I was being silly and made no sense with my deal breaker. She insisted that he just sends her stuff but she only replies once in a while.
I mean she removed him once, then he added her again then she removed him then he added her then she said she blocked him and he still sends her DMs while she says she doesn’t respond.
I see that as consistent lies, her narrative isn’t consistent. She clearly speaks to him.
She says that he means nothing to her and she doesn’t care about him, but if that is the case why stay in contact with him and lie about it when I made it clear that this would be a deal breaker.
So is she lying about the whole situation, and what should I do in this case?
TLDR; my gf lied about not being friends with her ex and blocking him, altho I made it clear that this is a boundary of mine and a dealbreaker.
14 comments
She was wrong to lie, and you were wrong to put her in that position where she wanted to lie. There’s no good reason for the two of you to be together.
Just break up man, she’s a liar and doesn’t respect your boundaries.
You expressed a clear deal breaker.
She broke the deal.
It’s called a deal breaker for a reason. You know what to do.
> I broke up with her but she came back explaining that they are not friends and she blocked him everywhere and she doesn’t care about him.
She lied to you just to get back with you, while knowing that what’s your boundary.
> She says that he means nothing to her and she doesn’t care about him
That’s a clear lie and you know it. That guy was close to her and she still wants that guy in her life. You need to break up with her and move on, if not then be prepared for him to be a constant appearance in your relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised that after some time she might want to visit him or he’ll visit her and she would want to hang out with him alone.
Break up with her and this time make it permanent, she’ll block him right in front of you and all but remember that if she wants to stay in contact with him she will find other ways.
They were together for 6 months and he wanted to propose. I don’t know the dynamics under which they broke up and you guys got together, however it seems that he was moving faster than she was not comfortable with and along the way they broke up. Now since you’re planning on getting engaged, she is thinking about what life / future could have been if she had stayed with him and is trying to sail in 2 boats. I may be wrong, but considering the information provided, that may be a possibility.
Updateme!
She has already shown you she can’t be trusted. How many more times does she have to show you? She knows this is a dealbreaker for you, but she doesn’t care, because she still keeps in touch with them.
Stand by your word. Be sure to unfollow and block her on Instagram.
Yeah this girl is clearly wasting your time
If she can’t block someone from a foreign country who clearly has unresolved feelings for her then what chance do you have
It was a good choice to break up with her , now you just have to stick to your decision.
Gawd, the insecurity in this sub is rampant! The idea that you can reasonably “forbid” someone from doing anything is laughable! People are free to do what they want. Her wanting to maintain conract with anyone is not “disrespectful” but your thinking that you can set a “boundary” that she has to abide by certainly is. You cannot control people! You trust them or you don’t. Trust no one, and you’ll wind up alone. What are you afraid of? That she’ll leave you for the other guy? Nothing you do will prevent that! And “forbidding” contact will only accelerate that outcome. What are you guys going to do, put your women in burkas so no man ever sees her?
Jeez, they should rename this sub r/insecurity_central.
She is keeping a backup, which means she isn’t fully committed to the relationship.
You can not marry someone that is not ready for commitment, hell I don’t believe she is really for a relationship if she keeps acting single.
You break up.
And this time don’t go back.
Regardless of if your boundary is right, it’s yours, she has disrespected it, and you.
She lied about it to your face in the process.
She cannot be trusted at all.
Is it a dealbreaker or is it not?
‘ **I was being silly and made no sense with my deal breaker.’**
The trouble with ultimata is that once you’ve laid one down you either have to follow through with your threatened action, or you are forever rendered impotent and your threats are worth nothing and can be safely ignored – as she is doing.
Nah bro the gaslighting is crazy with this one. If she don’t block him for good this time tell her its OVER for good. No more chances
As a rule of thumb: If you pressure your partner into cutting ties with old flames and friends you are the bad guy in that relationship. And the only outcome it will have is what you experience right now. Your behaviour is controlling.
You won’t prevent your partner from having contact with an ex ever. Learn to deal with your insecurities or find someone that obeys your demands and will resent you in silence for it.