For a very long time i didn’t have any friends. Almost a year ago i made some friends. Initially they never invited me for any hangouts or the fun stuff and i felt left out and like an outsider.
Now they’ve started inviting me too but I’ve developed a weird habit. I sit alone when they’re all sitting together. I don’t know if this is some sort of attention seeking behaviour or is it because on the inside i still feel like an outsider. Some of them noticed it and confronted me once. I said everything is cool but continued doing it again.
Now I’m afraid I’ll lose these friends due to my behaviour. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me and why does my mind this it’s right to act this way. I want to fix this.
9 comments
is it maybe a imposter syndrome?
Communication is key here. Just talk to them. Don’t dump it, but explain why you’re doing that. It’s really hard but it’s important.
If they mock you AND don’t take it seriously, then they’re not good friends. But generally they should be understanding.
I think I’ve been this person a few times and we definitely had this person in our friend group for a while.
When I’ve done it, it’s because my internal mood wasn’t matching with the group. Like, I was already sad about something and everyone else was happy and I couldn’t fake it.
It’s kind of complicated, but here are a few things to think about.
1. Are you actually depressed? Do you need medication / therapy? When I found myself going to the bathroom to cry during parties, I knew I was depressed and medication helped a lot.
2. Do you actually enjoy being around these people? Is there a different activity you might enjoy better than whatever this group is doing? Maybe there’s just a mis-match between this group and your personality. Meet-Up is amazing for finding groups of people who like doing the same things you do, it can be a little easier to socialize when the focus is on the activity rather than free-form interactions.
3. It is important to be around other humans. It just is. So to the degree that you’re able to, when you’re with people and you notice that you’re isolating yourself… move. Walk over to the people who are talking, even just sitting and listening and nodding and looking at people will make you seem more engaged. Also, at a party you can walk over to the food area, walk over to the bookshelf, walk over to wherever and listen to various conversations until you find one you are even mildly interested in.
4. It’s also important to have a life outside of your friends so you have something interesting to talk about when you get together. And not like… the most obscure hobbies ever, but once in a while watch a popular movie or read a popular book, go to events around town. Be able to talk about something other folks will be able to relate to.
Good luck!
Is it possible you’re just not used to being around that many people yet so you just find it a little overstimulating to be near that much energy at one time.
This might go away as you get used to their energy and start adapting to the social group.
Read up on mindfulness, self awareness and look at the feeling chart. You need to get out of your head but you can only do that after the thing in your head stops bothering you. So become more mindful and understand your feelings and why you’re feeling a certain way. It’s like learning your personal manual.
When you go out with your friends, put your phone on focus mode. Before you go out set up reminders to sit with the group.
My take is that you’re experiencing low self-esteem. When you’re in a group your internal voice tell you you’re not good enough and you retreat into the safety of isolation.
I’ve been success lately with “re-parenting” myself. Learning to encourage and nurture myself as good parents do. I’ve become very aware of the internal voices telling me something is wrong with me and I’m not good enough. After I became aware of them I started to stop those thoughts with positive thoughts.
You critical voice might say “ you really f*cked up that basketball game, you should be embarrassed that your friends are better players than you”
Once you learn to identify the negativity you can say stop the negativity and say something like “That was a great game for someone who hasn’t played in a long time, playing with friends was really fun. I’m sure if you continue to play with them your skills will improve”
My therapist game a work book meant for the 12step group of Adult Children of Alcoholics or something like that. It’s been very helpful for me.
This may be completely off but I thought I’d share with you.
I think often about this quote:
>Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It creates the failures. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. – The Diary of Anais Nin Volume 4 1944-1947: Vol. 4 (1944-1947)
Holding yourself apart is possibly anxiety about whether you belong — whether you mean to not take someone else’s seat or you’re waiting for a more specific invitation.
There are a couple of ways to deal with this anxiety. One is to have some tools on hand that you’re comfortable with. “Is anyone sitting here?” is a very normal thing to ask. “Does anyone mind if I sit here?” might be a more comfortable version. Or pull up a chair you’d like to sit in.
The other way is to work on your anxiety. A thing I’ve done that is helpful for me is start to call out my depression brain as a slightly different version of me that lies to me in order to keep me isolated and depressed. So when my brain says “I don’t really belong here” and starts replaying memories of other times I didn’t belong, I can say to myself, “that’s my depression talking, maybe I should try something different.” And then use one of the strategies above.
I’m not trying to be insensitive, but can you………sit next to one person next time you are together? Just sit next to one person. Then you won’t be alone.