My gf and I have dated a year now. She’s my first relationship ever. My first love. Things were so good the first couple of months, but then trauma and toxic tendencies started to reveal themselves.
My gf has a lot of “baggage” that has led her to display a lot of toxic behaviors in our relationship. Her last relationship was physically and emotionally abusive. And she has dealt with a lot of family trauma and conflict. Overall, these experiences have made it difficult for her to truly love me in a healthy way.
When we’re arguing, she will lose patience quickly and become aggressive. She has inadvertently gaslighted me for things, and after I call her out, she apologizes. She has disrespected me in front of others and has raised her voice at me at times. It is very difficult for her to make compromises and put her feelings aside. And she has a very much “I hate men” / double standard mentality because of her toxic experiences with men. These are some of the things I’ve dealt with in our relationship.
Now why haven’t I left? Well, I really do believe she loves me deep down inside. She does a lot of things to show she loves me. And I’ve told her about all these issues and she acknowledges all of it and understands it’s all a byproduct of her trauma. She has tried to seek therapy, but has had no luck finding a therapist. And she is telling me she really wants to be better, as long as I can be patient. Furthermore, I’m not perfect either. I’ve also lost my temper in arguments and have assumed the worst of her and she has been able to forgive me.
She’s my first love and I really do hope she can change. I’m praying. She has shown improvement on very extreme behaviors like disrespecting me in front of others. But I realize I’m quite literally having to teach her how to be more compromising and respectful to me like she’s a project I need to fix.
My dilemma is – is it worth waiting? Am I delusional in believing she can change? I really don’t think I can find someone else who wants to be with me as much as she does.
My heart also shatters when I think of leaving her. I look through all the pictures together and memories and I can’t stop crying. I feel like my life will be over if I leave. I just feel so trapped. I will be depressed both ways.
TLDR: Gf has shown hurtful, toxic behaviors consistently in our relationship that are a byproduct of her relationship and family trauma. She acknowledges it and says she genuinely wants to and will be better for me. But I need to be patient. Part of me feels like I’m delusional in believing things will ever change completely. What do I do?
3 comments
If you want to continue with this make it conditional on her going to therapy. Otherwise nothing will change. She’ll probably drag her feet. In which case you have to decide whether you can put up with her as she is indefinitely since you don’t just get over trauma without psychological help.
People can better themselves, but it takes very consistent effort. She could try online/Zoom therapy, if she makes the effort to find one. If she consistently puts off looking for therapy, I’d reconsider the relationship. And her past experiences may explain her behavior, but it doesn’t excuse it.
She can probably change, but it will likely be years, and there’s no guarantee that you two will still be a great fit after that growth and changing (keep in mind you will also be growing and changing). Although time might lessen the importance of the negative things that have happened between you two, it won’t necessarily take away the damage done already, or future damage that the two of you will do to each other on your journeys of growth. So far, with one of the main avenues toward addressing her issues – therapy – she has avoided fully committing to it and is kinda making excuses.
And having a dynamic where you feel like you have to teach your partner how to have a successful relationship, it just doesn’t seem like it’s ever quite going to feel equal. It’s better to have somebody who can just meet you on your level.
I know it feels impossible to break up because of the immediate pain it would bring. But it also opens up longer-term possibilities of happiness that staying in this relationship would cut short. You kinda have to do what’s best for you in the long run, even if it makes your next couple months kind of a nightmare.