Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some terrible dude who wants to get back at every single person who takes my parking spot or gives me a weird look. However, I’ll admit that I sometimes fantasize about getting back at people who have hurt me, and especially the religious leader who sexually abused me as a child.
Is it better to take that bitterness and attempt to turn it into something positive? To take that anger and use it as fuel? Is the best way to deal with situations that you’ve been wronged — “an eye for an eye?”. Is it better to just let things go? Is there ever an upside to revenge?
Or — Is it simply okay to acknowledge that I have these dark thoughts, and roll with it? Some people tend to have this “I’m an asshole, I don’t need anyone, and I’m never going to let anyone in too close” type of personality, and while I find that attractive in some sense, I don’t feel like that’s truly who I am, or how I want to behave either.
To clarify, I’ve been in therapy, and I actually work in mental health, my degree is in psychology and this is still something that gets to me from time to time.
22 comments
Just roll with it. We all have demon’s. The lucky among us know what their demons are so that they can fight against them instead of be ruled by them.
After my divorce last year I was bitter and wanted vengeance. Thought about telling her son ( from previous relationship) about her past and history and what she did. Thought about flying to Texas where she ran off to. And a friend put it to me no better. Sometimes there is no closure. Why waste my positive energy on hate when I’m already expending energy making positive things happen in the aftermath. So I exercise like crazy. Work two jobs to keep grinding. Always try to be better than those who did you wrong. It’s not easy.
Hate cardio. I can literally run a 10k on pure spite.
It’s the best of both worlds. You have 30-60 minutes of time to be alone with your terrible thoughts, and you can really let them spiral, which distracts you from the running, but by the time you’re finished running you’ve sweat out 99% of your anger and are way too tired to do anything regrettable. Plus you stay thin and attractive, which is a form of revenge in itself.
“Wow, you look great. What’s your secret?”
“I run to avoid murder.”
Anger is challenging to share since it is scary to others, but it is part of life. Acknowledge your anger. If it is so intrusive that you must act, find some outlet for it which doesn’t harm you. It is unlikely that your anger and resentment will ever totally disappear, but it may become a proportionally insignificant part of your being.
From your post it sounds like you already know what and how to deal with your anger. IMO fantasizing about vengeance or letting your rage run loose is fine. It’s a way to help diffuse and collect yourself. What’s more important is being aware of the consequences of your actions, which sounds like you are.
I don’t necessarily restrict my anger because it’s one of the my strongest motivators. I got really angry once because I got robbed of a promotion. At the moment I thought of beating the shit out of my manager but I didn’t act on my impulses. Instead I used my anger as motivation to find a new job. I was job hunting for hours and days on end after coming home from work and never would’ve had that level of motivation if I was bored.
I don’t let small things upset me nowadays (especially if there’s nothing you can do about it) because it would add stress to my life for no gain. Don’t let people live “rent free” in your head, so to speak. I’m a huge advocate of using exercise as an outlet for stress and anger. I can push and pull weights or let loose on a punching bag to my heart’s content and it’s all for the better. Physical and mental states are intrinsically linked and improving the health of one improves the other.
I would vote for letting things go as revenge, as you say, has no upside. It just signifies that you have lost the mental battle and it controls you. In letting go, or attempting to, you are the one in control. And when you falter, understand that it is only a momentary relapse, nothing is perfect, and get back to being your better self.
When you are dealing with childhood trauma, you really need to seek professional therapy. I know you said you have been in therapy, but if your dark thoughts repeatedly surface in revenge fantasy, you aren’t done yet.
You know this, to someone our age, if we go through a traumatic event it will alter our personalities to an extent. We have the maturity and experience to integrate those experiences into our characters. If you go through trauma as a child it is personality *forming*. I am not one of those who throws up their hands “once a kid is abused they are ruined forever,” no they aren’t. No *you* aren’t.
Reduce importance.
Dr. David Hawkins wrote nice books about that.
God bless bro.
not going to go into detail but I will say that the times I have attempted to act out in anger or revenge have not really gone well for me, so there really isn’t much of a choice but to just let it go. I really don’t know what else to do.
it’s okay to have dark thoughts, everyone has them (I seem to have them more than most) but I’m mentally stable enough not to act on them, that’s the important thing.
Something I have learned.
Men often default to anger when in reality the feeling you are feeling is something else… Anxiety, hurt, sadness… Men just tend to default to anger due to a few of factors with society being one of them.
I think a lot of anger comes from power dynamics. When we feel that our power has been taken away we understandably lash out.
Certain exercises mental and breathing can help with this. It is tough for me as well Im not some monk….
Therapy will help but I understand that it is often expensive and there’s a ton of bad therapists out there (like literally every other profession) that sour people on the whole profession.
I do feel this whole anger fueling thing is great for some people but think it is rarely the path to feeling better, which ultimately is what you want, to not feel that way.
Anger from childhood trauma is its own thing, I think, but anger in response to significant offenses is normal. From my own life, anger, resentment, and frustration from office politics has motivated me to seek out a higher-paying job. Anger at larger-scale social problems motivates people to vote and take other political action.
Others have already mentioned it, but exercise is a healthy way to blow off steam.
In U.S. culture, I don’t think it’s wise for a man to “turn the other cheek”; that’ll only invite more of the same. It’s important to calmly take control of the situation. For example, one time, back in my twenties, a few friends and I were waiting for a table at a restaurant, sitting at the bar. A woman nearby started chatting with me, and a few minutes later, her boyfriend showed up; he was a hothead, immediately making threats. I told the bartender this dude was bothering me, and he was kicked out, just like that. I then invited his girlfriend to join our table. I always tip generously.
You need to leave room that you are misconstruing the situation or that the slight was unintentional, but in situations where you will be repeatedly around someone, you need to assert yourself—like at work. So if someone might be unintentionally doing something that happens to get on your nerves, it’s best to clear the air by talking to them head-on rather than fuming about it silently; I’m really not a fan of people channeling anonymous complaints through managers in most cases (extremes like sexual harassment or illegal conduct would be exceptions).
While this is hard sometimes let it go. In 95% it is not worth the time wasting on it. Accept that ppl generally are a**holes and will try to take every advantage they can.
Since you are already working on your mental health and trying to deal with it this is the best thing you can do. Sure I totally get how you feel even this did not happen to me, but what good for your life would come out if if you would follow the urge to take revenge. And that you are angry is OK and i would even say healthy since what did hapopen wasnt OK and you have the right to be angry about it. The question now it how do you deal with your anger. And this is something a therapist can help you with.
Pick up a book called “Choice Theory”. It helped me out when I was younger. The basic premise is that the only thing anyone else can give you is information, you always have a choice on how you deal with that information. It’s not a perfect answer but it’s one more tool in the ol mental toolbox for dealing with the crap life throws at you.
You focus your resentment toward your perceived inadequacies or your struggles or your inequality or your resentment of standards and hierarchies into practicing precisely what you were meant to excel at. For instance if you are creative, and you’re angry that men are pigeonholed into tech careers and finance and math because we’re expected to compete financially, then you create harder than anyone you know. Or alternatively, if you’re angry that you don’t do well with numbers and you’re tired of low paid temp jobs, then you go hard as hell into learning advanced math. Either maximize your talents or explore uncharted territory. Make sacrifices toward a really nobel goal.
Hardly ever feel those feels bro
A lot of anxiety and stress can be relieved through exercise, it’s one of the few ways to actually lower cortisol levels.
That alone isn’t going to help with the mental aspect of your anger and frustration though. You should continue working through it with therapy.
In sure you’re aware that a lot of these intrusive thoughts are things that a lot of us deal with. You aren’t alone. Support groups may help as well!
I feel myself slipping into the angry old man shaking his fist at everyone and everything mode at times as well due to frustrations with things both internal and external, but is that the best version of yourself that you can be?
I think that by posting you realize it isn’t your optimal outcome, so finding support, especially social support, is definitely the way to go!
The best revenge is a life well lived.
I deal with my anger through artistic expression.
Violent drawings, paintings, stories, lyrics, sometimes even poems.
You’d be surprised what horrible things you can get away with as long as the victims are fictional.
If physical activity doesn’t scratch the right itch, it might be something to look into?
I mostly just trained my brain to not get angry. I was never a super angry person to begin with though.
This sounds corny. I have no idea if it is mentally healthy.
I have always been full of anger and hate. Not violent or anything, just a hater. It took its mental toll. One day, I got tired of putting everything down.
So one of my new challenges in life is “Do not put any more negativity into the world.” And let me tell you, it is NOT an easy challenge. I fail all the time, but getting better because that is the person I want to be.
Putting negative crap into the world is easy, it’s common. It’s BORING. Anyone can do it. Anyone can hate on anything. Peasants!
Let’s try something new, something challenging. Making the world BETTER! If only by a little tiny bit. You don’t have to change the world, but you can leave knowing that you made something better than you found it. A compliment here. A nice tip there. Being pleasant to a stranger, someone who you wouldn’t think you would get along with. I’d rather be boring than be harmful.
And if you can’t do that, do NOTHING. Allowing something to languish that bothers you is a perfect amount of passive aggressiveness.
I have my patch of land, I’ll tend to it, and the outside world doesn’t need me for it to exist.
This challenge has been difficult to only put good out into the world.
I do think since I’ve hit my thirties, I have become angry a lot more. I think it’s becoming a widower a month away from 30, how I’ve been treated by people, horrible friends and just unhappy how the world is and how horrible people can be. Throw injustices my family have had to endure.
I do deal with it via writing, playing computer games, favourite music I listen too. Even going out for a walk.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Ice cold.