I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. he is my third boyfriend and I am his 2nd. My last two relationships were 8 years and 1.5 years. I’ve never had a problem with initiating sex in my other relationships. Whether it was a message that turned into a blow job or just sensual touching in bed-i get none of that anymore. He says his last girlfriend was being dishonest, she got caught on tinder and they had a messy breakup. It was very brief, maybe 8 months.
In the beginning when we started seeing each other he was calling me hot, would have no problem feeling me up, even taking my pants off, throwing me on the bed, none of that was an issue in the beginning but that has basically come to a halt.
He has an extremely stressful job. I basically hear about it everyday as our main conversation. He’s in a position where he gets paid, let’s say a higher than average wage, compared to the current market for someone in his position. He feels trapped thinking he will not be able to leave and find a similar or higher paying position. Thankfully jobs in his field are plentiful where we are from but still very competitive. He has many certifications and a college degree so I remind him to just keep putting his resume out there. He wears a lot of hats but also juggles a friendly relationship with his boss, I’ll call him Larry. He’s probably been at this company for about 5 years but it has changed into an entirely different company and many people in his organization have either quit or moved on. The company he works for is growing too fast with little to no manpower to support it. This is the pressure he feels everyday and I feel bad for him because he must feel helpless. He frequently expresses his fear of being homeless despite being very financially sound for his age.
He is really into video games and streaming. Likes concerts but in general pretty introverted. We are both pretty introverted except I like to spend a lot of time outside either camping or hiking. What attracted me to him in the beginning was that we both seemed pretty low key but he liked having fun and getting out so I saw that as a way for me to connect with someone who could get me doing something new. And we do, we have traveled together and gone camping, hiking, in general we get along just fine but basically never have sex anymore.
At first I started blaming it on the stress from his job, I moved into his house he bought after reliving in my apartment for about 9 months. I was a homeowner before moving into my last apartment so I offered to help him find a realtor. To be honest I regret doing it but I felt pressured to move in with him while trying to date at the same time. He at one point asked me what are we doing and I even hesitated then-I should’ve known better.
I know he cares deeply about me but I just don’t want to wait anymore. I’ve brought this up in the past to him. One ended with him scream shouting at me about something completely unrelated that day. I only got to bring it up towards the end when he calmed down and I could actually ask him what made him so upset. Another time was also during the tail end of an argument where I asked him directly, don’t you even want to have sex with me anymore? To which he shook his head in agreeance. He initiated sex once after that and I couldn’t even tell you how long ago it was. I don’t know how to initiate with him anymore because the last few times I have, he just laughs at me or acts scared as if he’s questioning why I’m suddenly sitting on his lap. I’ve taught him how to spoon in bed but he doesn’t do that anymore. When he does touch me it’s barely a touch on my hip in bed. He gives me hugs and kisses me when I get home, after making a meal, or maybe before going downstairs to stream for a few hours. He asks for backrubs which I give but he never gives back. I’ve told him before that he should try complimenting me more to which he said, well you never ask! I said I’m supposed to ask for compliments? He said, Okay fair enough. Now I don’t know what to think. Is he asexual and just doesn’t want to? Is he into something weird and doesn’t want to talk about it?
I just have no idea how to even start this conversation with him. I think we have lots of fun together but I’m also in a position in my life where I’m gonna be 30 soon, and he IS 30. I’ve been going back and forth between wanting children or not. I recently deleted Facebook because seeing my other friends get pregnant or engaged on Facebook just hurts my heart. I don’t think it’s jealousy because I am truly happy for them but I just want to love someone with all of me and not just have fun with them. I can do that with anyone. I’ve been slowly losing contact with a couple of close friends. My self esteem is the lowest it’s probably been since I was in middle school. I feel worthless and pathetic. The anxiety of breaking up and trying to move out for about the 8th time in my life is a weighted blanket on my mind. Renting by myself was only possible in my last apartment out of pure luck. Anywhere around here rental rates plus one cat would be extremely hard for me only, and likely months out on a waiting list. If it weren’t for my cat, I think id pack as much as I could and just move out tomorrow and call in sick. I just feel like giving up.
TLDR: boyfriend is afraid to talk to me about why weren’t not having sex, I know he cares deeply about me. Still want to break up but crippled with anxiety on how to phrase it.
20 comments
Just say “I don’t think we are sexually compatible anymore” and that you think you should see other people
Well, it sounds like you should start looking for new housing then – including possibly a situation where you share a place with another person to reduce costs. Line up a place to go, and then tell him the relationship isn’t working out for you and you will be moving out. But you need to give him enough notice that he has some time to figure things out financially without you contributing toward rent where you are too.
My boyfriend and I have gone through this a few times (we’ve been together almost 2 years) but usually after a conversation we figure out what’s going on, how the other can help, and things get back on track. You need to sit him down and spell out exactly what you want from the relationship and durations. Don’t do it at the end of an argument but ask for time that you can both talk. Ask how you can help and really have a good conversation. If he dismisses the conversation, I would take that as a sign that he’s checked out completely.
>I just have no idea how to even start this conversation with him
It’s not a conversation. It’s a statement. It only takes one person to end a relationship.
Script: “PARTNER, I appreciate the time we’ve spent together. I don’t want to continue our relationship any further.”
If you need to discuss the logistics of breaking up – that’s fine. That can be a conversation.
There’s not conversation about the “why” of breaking up.
You have a dead bedroom. If he wont address it, you can either accept that this is the rest of your life, or you can leave. If you want to see what the rest of your life looks like, take a browse at r/deadbedrooms and r/deadbedroom. It’s filled with sad, angry, heartbroken, empty, desperate relationships. Very, very, very few are able to turn this around and most are full of regrets for sticking around and wasting their lives.
I’m confused. Have you only brought the issue up to him during arguments??
I have the same problem with my fiance, we’ve been together for 5 years, I really don’t know what else to do and I feel just like you.
I was having this problem with my ex. Discovered yesterday that his “low libido” was a porn addiction. That he was completely aware of, but just didn’t tell me about. Just a warning that there could be something going on here that he is keeping from you.
Go find someone who wants you, and wants to treat you right. Someone who will communicate these issues with you.
Edit: can you reach out to your friends and see if anyone can take your cat while you get settled? So you know they’re safe?
I feel so sad for you reading that. Been there and know how horrible it is. You’re right to be leaning towards breaking up because it does not get better. Your 30 year old introverted boyfriend has only ever had one gf before you that lasted 8 months. I seriously doubt he was having much casual sex before. Fact is he just doesn’t like sex. Whether or not he is asexual or not doesn’t really matter. He has very little natural drive. When your relationship was new it was just the new relationship energy and hormones but once you guys settled ( and damn that was a short honeymoon period but common on these situations).. this is who he is. You know it’s not the work stress. You know it’s not whatever excuse he has that week or month if he even is bothering to give them anymore. That on top of him pressuring you to move in to early and feeling like you got trapped. yikes.
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So how to proceed. You have a couple choices. You can tell him now and just rip the bandaid off. Depending on how you think he’d react you can just sleep on the couch/ in other room until you can find somewhere else. Or you can start the search now and break up when you’re ready. I can’t really judge you for the second since you’ve clearly been expressing how unhappy you are and he hasn’t been willing to listen. For phrasing it.. “we’re breaking up, this isn’t working.” Then walk away. If he wants to talk fine. But insist your mind is made up. You’re tired of the excuses and empty promises. He may try and promise to change but you know wit’s a lie. For the reason I recommend you wait until you have a place lined up so you don’t get retrapped.
How much porn does he watch? More likely than not he’s taking care of himself, cause it’s easier and it’s what he’s used to.
So many men have this issue and don’t even realize how they’re screwing themselves up and hurting their loved ones.
In any case, if he’s not willing to take your needs into consideration, yeah, leave.
It is important to have a sexually compatible partner, it sounds like you two are not, do not make the same mistake that I have done, do not ignore it and just move on with the relationship.
End it now or deal with it.
Looking back at mine, I tried to deal with it but it was way too late and did not work.
I don’t usually tell people to just break up as I think most things are fixable but in this case I think you should have dumped him a long ass time ago.
You need to sit him down and tell him how YOU feel. Tell him that sex is important to you, that being rejected is starting to affect your self-esteem and that you want to know what is going on and if there’s anything you can do to help him. Talk to him calmly and without accusing him of anything. If after that he’s still defensive/offended, I really don’t know what you can do apart from breaking up.
The funny thing is that you are both likely coming from the same place here.
Your self esteem is at it’s lowest because you entertain the possibility that it might be YOU he is not attracted to – and he is scared to talk to you because that might have to make him admit there is something “wrong” with HIM.
Both are, without knowing you, equaly likely and unlikely scenarios, so that is something strangers cannot figure out for you. What I can say, though, is that you both feel trapped in a situation you will not get out of the way you are handling it right now. I get where you are coming from, but the only thing I could actually see helping here is a change of perspective.
A) You could try to initiate a conversation, without piling it onto an already existing argument, by telling him what you are afraid of (being unattractive for him comes to mind) and how this is affecting your self esteem, without making it seem like you are accusing him. This is a fine line to walk – and it might require you to come to terms with the fact that he might not actually be doing something WRONG here. He acts on how he feels – and even though this impacts you negatively (understandably so), I doubt he is going out of his way to hurt you specifically. Intent matters here.
Him doing the same would likely be even more productive, but there is only one way I can see that happening:
B) Switch roles. Oldest trick in the book, but you both have to be open to it.
Try this game if you see no other way: You assume his identity, he assumes yours. You then take turns stating a “fact” to the best of your knowledge. Start with something small if you want to test the waters first, like “I have brown hair” etc. Over time, you will naturally get deeper into the issue at hand. Then, if somebody says something the other person does not think to be true, you switch – and the other person gets to talk.
It’s something I came up with when I did not know how to tell a friend that an issue he was having was affecting me as well. We usually said “Psycho!” when the other person got something wrong, which initiated the switch. That’s mainly because that’s the name of the game I derived this from, but feel free to change any part about this as you see fit.
You might want to tell him that this game is a tool for you to talk about the issues you are having since you don’t know how to do it otherwise, because if you just say “Let’s play a game!” he might feel blindsided in the end.
Let me know if you try it – and if it helps at all.
At the end of the day, I don’t know how deep your issues run and if they even can be fixed without too big a compromise – but you can’t know without putting yourself into each other’s shoes.
Best wishes to both of you.
At this point, it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in a sexual relationship with you, and a large part of it could be due to the stress from his job and other mental blocks. The good thing here is that you are only 30, and at this point living with him is a sunk cost. I would sit him down at a low-stress time, tell him everything you’re feeling and that no changes is a deal breaker for you. However, you have to decide how long you’re willing to give him another chance, knowing full well you’ve already talked with him and it goes back to the same thing (or lack thereof) from him. Personally, it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in having a relationship as much as someone around to give him sporadic comfort. I’d break up with him and start trying to find a roommate.
You just have to tell him the truth: I want to break up with you because we are sexually incompatible. There’s a ton I like and love about you, but I can’t continue living my life without more sex in it. I have tried to talk to you about this, but it never seems to end well, and I don’t want to wait anymore to figure out what is wrong. If you want to have a calm conversation now, and actually answer my questions without getting defensive or angry, then we can do that instead of immediately breaking up. I promise not to judge you, or get angry, even if it’s because you don’t actually find me attractive anymore – but we either need to sort this out, or begin sorting it out, right now. If now isn’t the time, then–like I said–I will be leaving… not because I hate you, or anything like that, but just because I recognise that the physical situation doesn’t work for me long term.
Or something like that. Maybe write it all down for him first, so that you can put all your thoughts in order without being distracted by his responses. Give it to him, stick around while he reads it, and see where things go from there. It could be you finally have a productive conversation, and find out what is up.
Also obviously be prepared for this conversation to go… badly. He hasn’t handled it well on his end so far, so no matter how careful you are taking it to the next level is fraught with peril… but you just have to be prepared for this. Worst comes to worst, at least you’re already pretty set on leaving, so you don’t have to stick around if you really don’t like what you’re hearing. On that regard, make sure you have somewhere to stay while you’re sorting stuff out in that worst case scenario.
I mean, it sounds like he’s losing interest. Too much sex early on is never good for the long run. Sometimes it’s better to skip sex and use other means to make your partner happy and vice versa of course. And yea, you can always say you don’t think your sexually compatible anymore but if your really not ready to end the relationship and you would like things to keep moving forward then I would voice your concerns first and I might even suggest just asking him straight forward what the issue is and why he doesn’t want to do it anymore with you and then go from there.
If he cared about you, he’d care about your needs, he only cares as minimal as he Thinks is necessary, he’s probably bored as others said and you make it seem like it isn’t as big of a deal if he doesn’t give it to you.
Communication is key
There isn’t a magical solution here unfortunately. He knows and this is how things are going to be. He’s selfish and he wants things like this. I know it’s always easier said than done but why stay? You can have a partner with any positive qualities he may possess AND have an active, healthy, reciprocal sex life.