TL;DR:
New relationship where we hooked up for the first time and he’s showing interest in every other area EXCEPT sex. He now says he doesn’t need sex that often and that he he’s intimidated by my experience.
The Long Version:
I (36F) started dating (38M) and we recently became exclusive in that we aren’t dating/having sex with other people but aren’t BF/GF yet since we’ve only known each other a month and we both want to take things slow.
We had sex for the first time after the conversation about being exclusive and it was good, but a few awkward things happened that kept it from being great. I know the first time can be a little weird so it’s not a big deal, but now it’s been almost a week and he hasn’t even tried to hook up again even though he’s still texting, calling, and making plans together, so I know he’s still interested. We are seeing each other on Thursday, but he made a comment to me last night that we “don’t need to hook up every time we are together”, almost like he’s preemptively telling me he doesn’t want to hook up when we see each other which was disappointing because I thought we for sure would.
We had talked about what we liked in bed a little before the initial hook up, and one of the things he shared is that he and his ex would have sex 3-4 times a week. He had told me a few other things about his preferences/past experiences, but it seemed like we may need to manage expectations a bit so we’ve talked on the phone some this week and discussed sex a bit more (which is when he brought up not needing to hook up every time). He said he had a great time the other night but it sounds like he’s a bit insecure that I’m more experienced than him and he is afraid he can’t satisfy me in bed.
I don’t really know what to do with this information. I am fairly experienced because I really enjoy sex, but I’m VERY vanilla and almost all of my partners have been in relationships where we got to really know each other’s preferences. It didn’t happen overnight and learning how to satisfy the other person is part of the fun! But now it feels like he’s not wanting to have sex and I don’t know what to do next. He has reiterated several times he really likes me and that he is really happy with the relationship so far.
Am I reading too much into this? Do I need to give him space until he is comfortable or just rip off the bandaid (with his consent) to try again? Will I be able to help guide him with what I like without it being blatantly obvious I’m coaching him based on previous sexual experiences that he’s already insecure about?
I know I need to have another conversation with him, so I’d just really like advice on how to approach this while respecting his boundaries, ensuring I advocate for my own needs, and don’t make any of his insecurities worse.
Appreciate the help!
15 comments
Talk to him about your concerns and let him know that you want to take things at a pace that is comfortable for both of you. Be open and honest about your level of experience and listen to his concerns and feelings as well.
If he’s worried about not being experienced enough, you can help educate him on what you like and what feels good to you. You can also reassure him that everyone has to start somewhere, and that you’re happy to explore and learn together.
If you really like him It’s important to be patient and understanding. Remember that everyone has their own pace and comfort level when it comes to sex, and that it’s okay to take things slow.
I don’t know, y’all may not be sexually compatible if it’s too much for him to make sex enjoyable for you
When you first had sex were you the aggressor or he was? Did he take the lead or you did? If you were leading the whole way, high chance he didn’t feel like a man in the sexual aspect of things
I think before jumping back in bed, it’s worth having a real, vulnerable discussion with him about sex and insecurities. One of my mantras is “to get vulnerability you need to give vulnerability” and what I mean by this is if you want to have a particular conversation with them, instead of coming right out with what you want from them or asking them how they feel about a particular thing, open up and tell them about how you feel. This post is a great start
like I know we joke on here with “you should show them this post” but honestly, I think that is almost what’s needed in this case. Talk about how sexual chemistry is something that you’ve built up on with previous partners and that it’s a learning process for both of you. Talk about how you enjoy sex and you were a little disappointed about his “we don’t need to hook up every time” comment.
But also reiterate that you are exclusive with him and that you care about making things work. That you’re not going to jump ship as soon as some imperfection pops up and that you’re also learning about him and what he likes in the bedroom. Enthusiasm is much, much more important than technical skill imo because enthusiasm (also, enthusiasm about trying to work with the partner) shows that someone actually gives a shit
hopefully in introducing the topic in this way you can get him to be vulnerable about his insecurities in the bedroom. I would hope that the end result of this conversation is that you two not just able to learn about each other (sex drive, insecurities, etc.) but also just by having this not so easy conversation (being vulnerable is never easy but also worth it imo, sort of like exercising) you learn how to communicate and navigate through difficulties.
also keep in mind that it might not go well. maybe you try to bring this up and he gets overly defensive or weird about it. while unfortunate, you will have learned that you two just aren’t a match. but it’s better to have a tough conversation and learn that about him then try to skate by on assumptions and hoping they pick up on vagueries
as long as you go into it with authenticity, understanding and compassion then there is no wrong way to have the conversation, frankly.
I do think you’re reading too much into it, but also I don’t know the full story (there are some details left out, but I get not wanting to divulge everything online).
What exactly made you feel like he’s insecure/can’t satisfy you? Did he say that directly?
I’m with him on not needing to have sex every time you see each other—that being said, him saying that doesn’t automatically mean he’s not interested in having sex when you hang out tomorrow. And, y’all aren’t in a relationship, so could be he wants to spend time with you and get to know you without letting sex cloud his judgement?
Did he actually try to satisfy you in bed? Sounds like he didn’t. Could be where some of this is coming from.
I think a lot of guys are very much in the camp of acting like they want sex 24h but don’t keep up anywhere near that after a few months to a year. He might be “rounding up” on 3-4 times per week. The more someone pads the idea of less sex, the more likely it’s going to end up in a place you’re not wanting. 3-4 times a week is way above average for couples.
All that said, it’s the first time. Might as well have some more conversations about it and see how he reacts/responds.
So there was no foreplay and you were on top almost from the beginning until he finished? I take it you did not finish? And instead of being eager to come back and prove he’s not a selfish jerk, he’s playing the “I’m afraid I can’t please you card.” He’s not even trying. He’s setting up expectations of what your future sex life will be. Him getting off and playing the victim.
I’m turned off on your behalf.
Guy here. “Being intimidated” is passing blame and implies that you are the one doing the intimidating. Whether he’s doing it intentionally or not.
Insecurities happen. When I was younger, it was lack of experience. As I get older, it’s usually carried over from work stress or other issues. But it’s something I work through with counseling and, at times, talked to my doc and gotten “support.” There have also been relationships where I just didn’t have the time to address it and we broke up.
But not since I was young and really immature would I have put that excuse on the woman. It’s an indication that this is a bigger problem that you may not be able to fix with a conversation or some tips in the bedroom. Having insecurity isn’t an issue or uncommon. His approach is.
You should talk to him. This could mean he has a low libido, or that he wants to take it slower and have less of a focus on sex right now, or that he has issues to work through, or that he sees sex as PIV thrusting until done dictated by his libido’s schedule. My condolences for your relationship if it’s that last one.
Listen to what he has to say, tell him what you want, and if he’s up for it try to maintain a positive attitude like you want to have fun with it. It’s always best to have an open and accepting attitude in this kind of situation because as you’ve experienced it can take time to learn each other. If nothing gives, then you can have the compatibility talk about your sexual needs, because usually people who want a vibrant healthy sex life aren’t compatible with people who don’t.
How long since he broke up with his ex and how long were they together? It can take weeks/months/years for someone who went from a 10+ year relationship to dating and having sex (and then regular sex) with someone else.
Ofc he could also just be letting you know “hey I actually like you and don’t want to come off as if I’m just interested in your secks”. Ask him.
He sounds like he’s been hurting and damaged. He likely had an experience sometime that destroyed his confidence. He could also just have really low libido, it happens. Might try talking to him straight. Make it clear you like sex and you liked sex with him. Don’t go over board but make it clear he has what you need, he may just suffer from a sense of inadequacy which makes him timid.
I don’t see from the long version of the post where he’s feeling insecure or intimidated. Are you by any chance assuming this? I personally find it refreshing that a guy is trying to get to know you and build a connection outside of the bedroom, especially since you are not officially in a relationship. Maybe it’s a good idea to take it slow this time?
Tell him to sneak some blue chew until he gets his MOJO back… happens to the best of us
Be very, very, careful. If he tells you he doesn’t feel like he is enough for you. Believe him. Sounds like he may not be.
This is coming from someone who has been there, and experienced dead bedroom, because I thought he was just nervous at first.
If you have a high sex drive, and want a partner with one, this man may not be it. If he isn’t taking care of you first, this man may not be the one.
If you are expressing how you feel and he comes back with “we don’t have to have sex every time”, be sure you tell him “yes, yes we do have to have sex. It is a very important part of a romantic relationship for me.”
Make your feelings 100% clear, and if he isn’t on the same page, peace out.
You will save both of you tremendous pain and heartache.
Maybe he’s Ace…if sex is important to you, it’s worth getting more info so you can make an informed decision about whether to continue moving forward🤷🏻♀️