My Fiance and I have been together for about 3 years and are planning to be married in just 5 months! We have had an amazing relationship, the first actually healthy relationship i have been in. Prior to meeting me, my fiance dated a girl all 4 years of high school. after high school she dumped his ass and moved to the Philippines for college and started dating someone new there. (she also slept with his friend while they were dating but i guess that’s besides the point) I have met this girl on a handful of occasions when his high school friends get together and at first i felt very very insecure about her because my fiance always seemed so uncomfortable around her so it made me think he still had feelings. he told me over and over he did not, he just doesn’t know how to be her friend which i totally understood so i got over it.
fast forward to 2 days ago when he decided to tell me that over a year ago she texted him asking to meet for lunch. he says he struggled for days not knowing what to do but decided that for his own mental health he needed to go tell her he intended to propose to me and he could never speak to her again for the sake of his relationship with me. apparently this is literally all that happened and they parted ways after lunch.
I have been trying to process how i feel about this. i am livid he kept it from me for over a year, but i also understand that he wanted to let her know there was zero chance for her to weasel her way back in because i was here to stay. I just don’t know if my anger is justified or if i need to get over it.
\*\*let it be known this man has NEVER lied to me and has been otherwise an extraordinarily loyal and trustworthy partner in life.
11 comments
The fact that he kept the secret from you is super suspicious. Why not just tell you that he’s meeting with her?
You need to determine whether honesty is a dealbreaker or not.
You have no way of knowing whether he’s lied to you or not now that you know he’s a liar
Did you ask him why he felt the need to lie for a whole year? If he can’t handle telling the truth about a seemingly innocent lunch, what else is he capable of lying about? Can you expect transparency in your future marriage from this man? I think a deeper convo needs to be had about why he lied and what else he has lied about because this is a big one, i somehow doubt it’s the only one.
He lied to you from before he knew when he was meeting his ex up until now. You do the maths and figure out if you want to be with someone willing to lie to you for so long.
your anger is not justified.
He went on a lunch date with an ex. And didn’t tell you until after. It’s a major boundary violation.
*there was zero chance for her to weasel her way back in because i was here to stay*
You sound really insecure about someone you barely know and who has given no indication that she wants to ‘weasel her way back in’. They stopped dating 6-ish years ago.
*i am livid he kept it from me for over a year*
If you actually mean livid, that’s a really outsized reaction particularly when he couldn’t have told you at that point or the proposal would have been ruined:
*he needed to go tell her he intended to propose to me and he could never speak to her again for the sake of his relationship with me*
Are you sure that you are ready for this marriage? Everything can’t be a battle to slay what you perceive as a dragon at every turn. People know people, people are going to pop in and out of *both* of your lives as the years go on. Pick your battles wisely. Otherwise you will discover what it is like to exhaust everyone around you with your overaggressive need to keep someone only with you. Generally it doesn’t turn out well.
Why did he feel the need to tell you about this now?
I understand meeting up for closure.. but why not tell you. Him not telling me, essentially lying, is where I would get super angry.
So your feelings are your feelings and that is ok, but the goal should be how to express them in a productive manner. I think explaining how you feel and enforcing that keeping secrets like this is not ok and will be a dealbreaker.
He did come clean but marriage is going to contain stuff that pops up but this is a matter of trust and communication which is critical. Try couples counseling to focus communication skills because it will be beneficial in long term.
>let it be known this man has NEVER lied to me
i’m definitely not jumping to conclusions and assuming he must’ve lied to you about other things, but this story literally shows you, in fact, do NOT know whether he’s been keeping other stuff a secret from you.
>let it be known this man has NEVER lied to me and has been otherwise an extraordinarily loyal and trustworthy partner in life.
While I think it is ‘nice’ you believe this I worry that him lying about meeting her isn’t just a single lie. It is part of a broader lie that he was telling you [and perhaps himself].
>my fiance always seemed so uncomfortable around her so it made me think he still had feelings.
Because the thing is… his need to go get closure ostensibly proved this true. Your discomfort, your worry that he was still invested, that he insisted was wrong and that it was just awkward… well, that wasn’t true. It wasn’t just awkward, it is now explicit that he still had not dealt with his feelings yet.
On top of that him not speaking to her for the sake of the relationship pangs a lot of him using you as an excuse to cut her out, which is kind of unfair. On top of that if he was really getting ‘closure’ he’d just let all the past go. Seems to me like he is just assuring he will hold on to that resentment and assures future interactions are worse than ever. And he lied to you to achieve even that, if you choose to believe any of this at all.
Like reality is that he comes across as quite prone to not being upfront or open about his feelings especially in regards to her. Don’t get me wrong, I get it: she dumped and cheated on him, no shock he is still hung up on or dealing with that. But he still chose to dismiss you when you pointed that out and I worry about let alone their suspect meeting.