I’m 43, married with two kids under two and I have been suffering g from severe anxiety the last couple of years because I’m worried that my desire to suck cock is an indication that I’m gay and living a lie.
I need this community’s input.
I’ll try to recap my life and confusions briefly.
Growing up I thought both boys and girls were cute but I seem to remember that I was especially drawn to girls.
When puberty hit I got an erection every time I looked at a girl but I also found some boys exciting.
When girls would display interest in me I would shy away because I felt disgusting and self-conscious, and the nearness of intimacy terrified me.
I began to notice that when I looked at porn I also found penises exciting and began to have fantasies about being between a man and woman and sucking dick.
I’ve had impotency issues my whole life because of the problems with self image I listed above – even with my wife. And as I began to worry that I was gay, I started to wonder ifI’m impotent because I’m not properly sexually attracted. Now, even if I do orgasm, I wonder if I enjoyed it.
I’ve only ever owned dildo sex toys – never pocket pussies.
I tried having sex with a man and though I liked giving a blowjob, I left before we could have anal because I didn’t like the look of desire in his eyes.
After a period of intense anxiety I decided that what I really wanted to have in a sex life was a relationship with a woman because of how easily I always fell in love. As I dated women the anxiety disappeared. Then, I met my wife whom I’ve been with the last seven years. Shortly before the birth our first son and after we bought a house I began to worry again that perhaps I’m fooling myself – that I’m really gay because no straight guy would be impotent, shy away from intimacy, and fantasize about sucking cock.
I told all this to my wife who suggested that I’m bisexual – she herself is bisexual. However, I have this anxious thought that I can’t be bisexual because of how vividly I desire to suck dick, my fear of intimacy even though I fall in love with women, and the fact that I’ve only purchased hustler magazines and dildos.
Anyways, please help, I’m at my wits end.
19 comments
why can’t you be bi?
bisexuality is a spectrum too, you could be aroused by specific aspects of men, but still dont want to have a relationship or sex with a man
Two things can be true:
1. You can be Bi-Sexual.
2. You can continue to be fully committed to your wife.
You don’t have to be gay/living a lie, just because you find yourself fantasizing about giving oral to a man. It’s a fantasy at the end of the day. Many people have fantasies and just let them be fantasies.
Not only is your wife affirming of you, and your possible sexual identity, but is 100% loving of you from what I can understand.
Impotence issues, unless derived from biological/physiological issues, are typically within your mind. I suggest exploring individual counseling with the possibility of your wife joining in a few sessions or even couples counseling as well.
Don’t be afraid, you have a wonderful support system in your wife. Love yourself dude, because you are loved.
So what if you want to suck dick. That’s okay. Doesn’t mean you’re living a lie.
I was married to a woman for more than 20 years. But I’m totally pansexual. Hearts not parts bro.
You may like pegging.
You may like sucking on a real or fake cock while your wife watches or bangs you in the ass with a strap on.
Explore that shit man. With your wife’s knowledge and such too.
If you then continue to feel like you’re living a lie and can’t stand being married to a woman, forgive yourself, and seek happiness my dude.
But there’s a chance you can have what you have now and also get your rocks off the way you want.
Thoughts:
Not all gay men have anal sex. A lot don’t have it often. A lot only like topping. Look up stats. Your experience may have been negative because of lack of trust / communication / sexual compatibility, not because it was a M/M encounter.
You can be bi but have very different ways of relating to men and women. Women may feel safer, cosier etc. You say you ‘decided’ to concentrate on women.
I would try to go to some gay or bi men’s social groups and see if you feel comfortable with them, have chats etc, without any intention of seeking sex. Don’t ‘test’ yourself. Take your time.
You should consider talking with a sex positive therapist.
Your belief about erectile dysfunction is not based on something that is supported by reality. Straight men have ED.
I was dating a man whose ex-wife called him gay and every derogatory form of the word when he expressed interest in pegging. When he felt safe with me, he said his interest extended to pre-op MTF’s.
During his marriage, he went through many years of questioning his sexual orientation, anxiety, and eventually went to a therapist. It hurt to hear what he went through.
He stopped looking for a label when I expressed acceptance and provided a safe environment to explore anal play and didn’t judge his interest in MTF’s.
Your wife sounds supportive and the absolute opposite of the ex-wife. I know once you get comfortable exploring your sexuality, you’ll have less of an issue with anxiety and impotence.
The self loathing, and the apparent fear of being gay, will interfere, IMO, with the quest to figure out your sexual orientation. There are statements here expressing a dread of how other people might rate you. Also, “I worry I may be gay”. Being gay is something to fear or disapprove of, then? Society’s hostility can certainly give rise to “fearing” being gay. Or maybe by “fear I’m gay”, what you fear instead is the embarrassment at coming out to whatever woman was your sex partner at a given time. Meanwhile, you are uninformed as to how to determine sexual orientation, to classify it.
You described one incident in a way that hints at fearing intimacy with men, not just with women. The reasoning that fear of intimacy and avoidance of intimacy make a person is gay is faulty reasoning. It would only make sense if all gays are nonintimate by virtue of being gay.
There are several personality types (clinically defined types) where a certain emotional coldness, lack of intimacy, is one defining element. As a rule, emotionally cold people are not antisocial. They’re not manipulative or predatory or criminal. They just have a low tolerance for emotional intimacy. Or maybe they crave, but they’re inept at it.
The self loathing, and the avoidance of intimacy, they may have been caused by childhood trauma, or maybe you were born that way.
It’s noteworthy that you don’t seem to be taking comfort in having a longterm wife who sounds accepting of your potentially complicated sexual orientation, and who sounds like she’s trying to help you like yourself. If you fall in love with women, you can’t be gay. You could be bi.
To sort out all these issues — notice that they are independent of sexual orientation — you might want to see a psychotherapist.
As for sexual orientation. There are three levels. Feeling romantic. This includes having crushes, and wanting to cuddle. Do you desire to rest your head on a man’s chest? Do you desire to have a man rest his head on your chest? There is the lust to fuck men. Finally, there is the lust to let men fuck you. The ordinary person feels all three urges toward one gender and none towards the other gender. But some men feel toward men only the first lust or the second lust, with no romance.
My friend, there is a powerful element of anxiety on your tale that make me a little worried you are compounding elements into a wishful/imposible situation (the uncoincious mind is an asshole).
For your story i would agree with the folk that propose a bi orientation. That is no condemnation to an unfulfilled sex life, but something you still should enable a space into your life.
I think your wife is your best partner into this exploration of the truth about yourself, because into a healthy relationship, in my eyes, you shouldnt abort parts of yourself. But therapy seems to be necesary as well to deal with that anxiety, whatever may be the underlaying cause
You could just be Bi dude 🤷♂️
Why do you have to be gay? It would be fine for you to be bi. Could also be OCD.
Sounds like you’re just an angsty bi dude to me.
From: Another angsty bi dude.
Seriously it seems like the real problem isn’t that you’re secretly gay (which, if you are looking at porn with women and getting erections from girls, you almost certainly are not) but that you really need to get a grip on your anxiety. That would explain the erection issues you have been having. Instead of worrying more about it, go to therapy for real.
More heterosexual men speak of sucking dicks these days like it’s no big deal. So join the club. It’s your fantasy1
Eh. I think about that from time to time.
Same as cuckolding.
Probably never act on it and deffo not gay.
Think about it, get off, move on.
I would say you’re Bi, based on what you’ve written here, but only you can truly decide/realize this.
“However, I have this anxious thought that I can’t be bisexual because of how vividly I desire to suck dick” im not sure you fully understand the concept of bisexuality
You’re working yourself up a lot about what word to use to describe your sexuality. But really the words are besides the point. You feel what you feel in every moment in that moment. If you experience attraction towards men and women then you can describe yourself as bisexual and people will know what you mean. If you are mostly attracted to women but have desires to suck dick, it doesn’t really matter if you can put that into one word or not. It doesn’t negate any real feelings you’ve felt about your wife. It doesn’t need to be described. It’s also incredibly normal.
also if you don’t think lots of straight guys are shy and impotent, well, truly, i don’t know where you got that idea
P.S – on the comment about dildos, there’s no need to associate anal play with same-sex attraction. A man’s ass is just part of his sexual anatomy (and one capable of producing great pleasure). What genders you’re interersted in is has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you enjoy anal pleasure (which you should bc it rules)
I think you’re bi. You’re not straight, but you obviously have sexual feelings for both. Straight guys don’t think about sucking on a guy..I am straight and never have fantasized on it (It grosses me out in .001 nanoseconds). However, you did make two kids and are attracted to woman = bi.
OP, why did you come to the conclusion that you might be gay rather than bi?
I’m wondering because I never heard of bi-erasure or observed it until I joined Reddit. Is this an American phenomenon? Did you not cover bisexuality in school?
I don’t mean this in a condescending way. I suspect I’ve just been living in a bubble.
*unzips*
*backpack*