Back on dating apps and I’m confused by people who double text. For example, a guy asks me a question. 36 hours later, I haven’t responded yet, so he asks me another question. I find this incredibly off-putting but I’m trying to keep an open mind and not get annoyed by men who seem otherwise cool and very nice… it just feels exhausting. I try not to let more than 24 hours go by before responding to someone but I tend to set aside like 10 minutes to respond to all my matches at once and I don’t get around to it every day. The double texting makes me wonder if these men really believe that I’ve lost interest just because it’s been a day or two between messages…? I don’t get it. Any double texters here that can enlighten me why they do it? Again, I’m trying to keep an open mind and I’m probably overreacting but it makes me feel unsure about people and like I don’t want to talk to them anymore…
EDIT: I’m gonna stop responding to all the comments because it seems like it’s a heated subject, which I didn’t realize!
My takeaway is that I need to have less matches at a time. From now on I’m going to try to pause my profiles once I get to about 5 matches. Today I will unmatch a few people that I’m seriously lukewarm about, because I’ve realized I’m overwhelmed with too many matches and if I’m not excited about some of them it gets even harder! And I’d like to get off the app and meet people in person ASAP but that also starts to seem intimidating when I’m not sure how I’ll fit everyone in. I’ll try to respond to matches every day from now on. Now I’m rambling. Whew! It’s all so overwhelming! Thanks everyone for your thoughts!
30 comments
36 hours to respond? Yeah, youre the problem, not him. He likely thinks he’s engaged in an actual conversation, not waiting for someone to get around to him.
>The double texting makes me wonder if these men really believe that I’ve lost interest just because it’s been a day or two between messages
Yes they do think that you’ve lost interest because things move pretty fast on the apps so waiting about 2 working days gives a strong impression you’re just not interested either in them or dating seriously. Imagine you’re at work and let an email sit for 36 hours. You wouldn’t do it (unless you’re waiting on an answer somewhere else in the chain and I’d hope you’d tell someone waiting on you that’s the case) — but you wouldn’t be fussed if you got a follow up request at work. Well dating is akin to work.
A lot of people would just unmatch you but there’s so many men who will ping you a few times just because of the nature of online dating. Instead of spending 10 minutes randomly responding to people – maybe find a couple guys you can talk to everyday and make time to meet those few?
I double text sometimes. I’ve also received double texts sometimes.
Because I don’t overthink things like that or expect that something as simple as a second text message before receiving a reply will really have that much effect. If I have something to say – I say it. 🤷🏻♀️
So, I’m not a proponent of the double text… but the problem here is still you.
You’re wondering why someone reaches out again or thinks maybe you’ve lost interest because you haven’t responded in 36 hours? It’s because it sure indicates a lack of interest.
Sure, life gets busy and maybe sometimes I don’t get back to someone I’m actually interested in for the majority of a day… but it’s a rarity if I’m actually interested. You’re routinely and intentionally taking a full day to respond and sometimes two. If that’s your style, feel free to do you and you will eventually find someone that it works well with, but it is going to make the vast majority of your matches assume you don’t have any real interest.
Why are you waiting so long for a simple response?
I mean I hate being chased for a response too and I do find it off-putting, but they’re also not being unreasonable in thinking you’ve lost interest. I’d be realistic (with yourself) about how much time you have to date/how invested you are in the process if this is your routine:
> I try not to let more than 24 hours go by before responding to someone but I tend to set aside like 10 minutes to respond to all my matches at once and I don’t get around to it every day.
Most of us are going to find it quite hard to build any kind of rapport/momentum/interest with that kind of pattern.
Tbh if you’re taking that long to respond to one question you have too many matches or just don’t have the bandwidth to be doing OLD at all.
If I don’t hear back in 2-3 days I’ll either just unmatch or give them a playful poke… momentum is important if you’re looking for something real and not just fishing for attention. Im looking for real conversations and dates with men I am excited about, not to be an inbox ornament.
Also, responding once a day to everyone inside of ten minutes is not an actual conversation with any of them. If you don’t want to actually converse with them, don’t match with them.
What if you just limited yourself to only 5 matches at a time? Would that feel less overwhelming ?
The solution here seems fairly obvious…don’t wait 24 to 36 hours to answer the first text.
Your timeline and pace for responses does not align with what is generally considered normal / an interested party on apps.
If someone routinely left me on read for 24+ hours, I typically lost interest and would unmatch. I’m not one to double text.
I double text as a final check before unmatching someone. I’m not going to sit around and be a passenger with someone giving me no information, so I’ll message them another time to check and if not then I’ll delete and move on.
If a text conversation basically revolves into a slow-chat I double text too. Otherwise conversation is going to go GLACIALLY slow.
What in the world?
What you’ve written paints you as an inconsiderate person. It implies you think your time is more worthwhile than the men with whom you’re seeking a romantic connection.
if I dont get a response back within a day, I assume she has lost interest/moved on/ghosted
I actually have the same question except I typically get double messaged within 2-4 hours. Am I unreasonable in thinking that is a little pushy? I kind of understand someone reaching out again after 36 hours but the expectation that someone will message back immediately is exhausting. I think the threshold should be 24 hours before the double message.
>but I tend to set aside like 10 minutes to respond to all my matches at once
You’re making too many matches because its taking you a day or two to respond to people and likely just giving people terse responses in the process.
Why are you not responding to the first text?
Sounds like you’re responding, which indicates to them that you either didn’t see it or you’re not interested and they don’t know which it is, so they’re reaching back out.
Please stop leaving people on read for 36 hours.
Lets someone else be 36 hours on read then complains about how someone else gets the impression OP lost interest. Then complains that she does not understand it and how much of open minds she has. Like looking into an infinity mirror without seeing any self reflection.
Yeah, this seems like a pretty petty thing to get upset about.
yea i would unmatch you if you took more than a day to respond twice in a row. or if you were really hot i would invite you over for a hookup, and if you said no, i would then unmatch you
The double texting is to make sure you’re still there and interested. I think in the first messages back and forth it’s ok for longer response times. Once it gains momentum, quicker responses are definitely encouraged. You should let them know you check the app infrequently to alleviate their fear. Things work quickly in dating apps so having an up-to-36 hour response could make or break what a guy has with you vs someone else.
You mentioned anxiety messaging people in apps but you seem ok replying back to people here…why don’t you try and view messaging guys like replying to Reddit or a friend’s text? Try reframing the thought process.
>The double texting makes me wonder if these men really believe that I’ve lost interest just because it’s been a day or two between messages…?
Yup, lol. That’s exactly what it means. But this is not a gender problem. If you are taking this long to text back, the person on the other end has no idea if you are interested. As in marketing, you capture the interest of your potential customer right from the beginning. If you don’t nab the sale, you do follow ups as reminders. That’s how it works.
The amount of people in this thread that expect an instant response are weird. Instant gratification is rampant in OLD, I guess I shouldnt be surprised.
36 hours 😂 yeah he’s gonna be wondering why you bothered matching him!
Different folks will have different reasons for doing so but a couple thoughts spring to mind.
First, I generally don’t double text–but when I do its because think a response might have been overlooked–such as when a conversation had been going and then goes cold for a day or two. Or, if I think it might have been read but–as you’ve noted–caught my match at a bad time and we just need a jump. In either case my double text might look like a clarification/rephrasing the previous question, or offering my own answer to sort of demonstrate what sort of response I’m looking for. Also, depending on where that conversation left off, I’m not above cracking a joke about the silence.
I don’t typically try to change the subject. I think if I ask a question & she doesn’t want to discuss that she’s free to change the subject herself or we’re just not a great match. However, as other have noted here, if you’ve matched with someone you’ve expressed interest, so you can’t really fault a guy for trying to find a topic you’re interested in responding to.
I disagree with a lot of the responses here. These are people you haven’t met yet, so I don’t see any problem with taking longer than 36 hour to respond. It would be different if you had already met several times and switched to communicating off the app
I don’t have notifications enabled and don’t check the app constantly, so it can take me some time to reply. Double texting at this stage just feels clingy
I’m surprised with how harsh some of the responses are. It’s not unreasonable to be slow at responding to someone you’ve never even met.
Of course, it’s also not unreasonable for them to not want to wait more than a day for a response. I generally put it down to incompatible expectations.
You better be the most amazing woman in the world if I have to wait 36 hours for a response.
I’ve done dating courses from professionals (women specifically). They all focus hard on determining if a woman is interested in you as a man, in order to be most efficient. After all, men are burdened with a majority of the courting process so if we spent our time on women who aren’t showing interest, we are really hurting our prospects of finding someone who is a good fit.
To that end, any dating coach would tell me that you are not interested in me, based on your inability to respond in a reasonable timeframe. You might think it’s normal for you but that doesn’t mean others agree. It’s your responsibility to communicate interest effectively. Given the delay in your response time unfortunately I would not classify you as having potential in dating because you are not effectively communicating interest in me and my time and energy is like better spent elsewhere. Sorry.
>My takeaway is that I need to have less matches at a time.
That’s a bad takeaway IMO. The lesson here is to give importance to dating if you want to succeed at it, just like you would at anything else in life. If you don’t put the effort in, you won’t see optimal results and/or good matches will just pass you by. I recommend that if you are unable to message you matches throughout the day, allocate a certain amount of time each day just for that purpose. Maybe before you go to bed, set aside 30-45 min a day to swipe, match, message, respond, etc.
You are 100% in the wrong here. Stop wasting people’s time and either quit starting so many conversations or you know, have a little consideration for others.