Hey everyone, 26 F here. I am in a long term relationship with my boyfriend.
I am someone who is shy and not very extrovert in first meeting and I also can overly analyse things. So I want to know something. I need some time to open up to people.
Recently my boyfriend took me to a get together at his brother’s house, with his brother’s friends and his wife. I didn’t know them.
After going there, sometime he sat with me, then we went outside to do some work. After coming back his seat was occupied by his brother so he sat with one of his friend and not with me. This was around total 1 hour.
Now that whole 1 hour, I felt so awkward because everyone knew each other and I couldn’t talk much. I also couldn’t ask for drinks from anyone because I felt shy doing that. Even after that hour he didn’t bother sitting with me.
When I told him this later, he said its totally normal to be separate and I should be able to enjoy on my own too and this isn’t a big deal. According to him, it was no big thing that we weren’t sitting together and I should have either talked to other people or told him that I want to come to his side. While I feel that since he took me there, he should have been by my side, he definitely can gel with other people but he can keep me in the loop too.
Please let me know if I am wrong here?
TLDR: Boyfriend took me to a party with his friends and relatives and then proceeded to leave me behind, am I overreacting to think he should have been with me?
5 comments
I’m not the absolute source of truth in the world but, yeah, I think you’re completely wrong. Not only is it fine to separate from your companion at a social event, it’s outright recommended. You’re supposed to shuffle around to promote new conversations and let everyone have a chance to connect.
I bet that sounds like your personal hell. I’m sorry. But even in the more casual case of “sit wherever,” it really isn’t a wrong thing at all. I think the only leg you have to stand on is that he’s aware of your extraordinary shyness. Maybe he’s supposed to make a concession for that? Even then, this is a step too far. He’s not your conjoined twin.
You can’t have a human teddy bear. Yes, you have to deal with social situations without hiding in a man’s pocket.
You’re not over-reacting, you’re under-reacting. You know you have social anxiety and rather than dealing with it, you’re throwing your current inability to adult at your bf saying, “You be my parent.”
CBD taken an hour or two before a social event will calm your nerves. You’ve got long-term help in behavioral
therapy, meditation, visualization, etc. This is for you to deal with, it’s not his job.
To an extent yes you should both be independent to enjoy yourselves at a party, but you were really at a disadvantage here because it’s a party full of people who know him but you don’t know anyone. He has some responsibility to be a good companion and make sure you feel welcome while meeting his family. This is a personal preference thing because some people are so extroverted they are happy to be set loose in a party full of strangers. But I’m more like you, it’s a pet peeve for me where I feel kind of abandoned to be in a party where my date knows most people and I don’t know anyone.
I think you should discuss it with him and agree how to handle it next time.
Edit: A lot of commenters being unnecessarily judgmental and condescending in this thread. Op should be reasonably independent enough to handle themselves but still isn’t a baby for being shy.
Did he at least go around and introduce you? I think it’s both you can deal on your own and that he should have tried to make you feel more engaged, especially when he knows you are shy. Does he generally seem receptive and caring towards you?
As for the whole “normal” argument, that’s besides the point. The focus shouldn’t be who is wrong or normal but how you feel. It’s perfectly reasonable to split off at an event, but it’s also perfectly reasonable to not want to feel abandoned.
Perhaps the agreement could be that he tries to be more coupley at events and you can try practicing mingling on your own.
He should at least be acknowledging your thoughts and talking out the situation rather than dismissing them as not “normal”.
I think this depends on how long you were there, and how much of that time he was with you versus not. If you were there for 3 hours and he was away from you for 1 hour, but next to you for 2 hours — then that’s reasonable. If he kept you there for 5 hours and for 4 of those hours he wasn’t even coming near you or checking in with you — that’s astoundingly rude and selfish of him.
Without knowing the above details, we’re just guessing. But my guess is that your boyfriend is wrong that what he did was “normal.” “Normal” (at least for polite people) is that when you introduce your girlfriend/boyfriend to a group of your family for the first time, you stick by them the majority of time and help introduce them around, at least until they’re clearly comfortable and talking to people. I’m pretty extroverted, and I would still be pissed if my boyfriend took me to a gathering of his family and friends and ditched me for most of it.
Also, his thing about you “should be able to enjoy” on your own? That’s a bit of a selfish take — since *he* enjoys his family and friends, he’s assuming that a new person will come in and just “enjoy” them. Even setting aside that they sound like a weird and awkward group just staring at their phones and the TV without making conversation with you or offering you a drink… a lot of people don’t simply come in and “enjoy” meeting their boyfriend’s family for the first time. Even for extroverts, it can be a pressure-filled situation, awkward trying to fit into an established family, maybe someone is unaccepting of you or says something offensive. You just never know how a new person is going to jive with a family. So check-ins are definitely “normal” and warranted.