I’m (26M) in a bit of a unique relationship with Mike (45M, fake name) for more than a year now. It initially started as a hookup/FWB situation, but it grew from that into this quasi-relationship. We are not a “couple” and I would not call us boyfriends/SOs/partners. However, we do talk frequently and have emotional investment in each other’s lives, and in many ways function like a regular couple. We met in Chicago and after about a year, I moved overseas for school with the intention of returning after, and we are still continuing this “relationship” long-distance.
Mike believes in monogamy and wants to be in a committed relationship with me after I return from school; I believe in polyamory and do not see marriage or monogamy in my future. I entered this being clear that monogamy was not on the table. We do love each other, which we have stated to each other, but in different ways because of our different ideas of love.
I’ve started to hook up with other people here, which we’ve set some rules for, like always using protection and always telling him about it beforehand. However, despite the agreement we’ve set, Mike has a hard time accepting this when it happens, and it can send him into a bit of a spiral. He is trying to work on these feelings as a compromise, but he feels as though he has to compromise more than me, which is true, because I’m still seeing other people. Mike is adamant he does not want to see other people. We’ve started brainstorming other ways to compromise, and one suggestion is that I limit the number of people I see a month. However, I’m worried this might eat into my autonomy and he is worried that I will grow resentful because of it. Which is why we are coming to Reddit to see if there are other options available.
Is there room for compromise here?
TL;DR I am polyamorous and Mike is monogamous, and in this long-distance “relationship”, Mike is still uncomfortable with me seeing other people. We love each other, and don’t want parting ways to be an option. Is there a way to compromise to allow this relationship to continue?
4 comments
No. You want completely different things out of life, you aren’t even living in the same country, and he is 20 years older than you. There is no way this is going to work out.
If you want polyamory, don’t date monogamous people. Why does this come up SO MUCH?
>Is there room for compromise here?
No
There isn’t really a middle ground between monogamy and non-monogamy. You’re either sexually/romantically involved with multiple people, or you’re not.
You want fundamentally different things out of your relationships. This just isn’t going to work in the long term.
You have completely different values, and despite your love for one another, you need to look at your relationship honestly. He will never be okay in a non monogamous relationship, and I think he’s “compromising” because he wants to be with you. But this will continue to be a recurring problem unless you change … which I don’t see happening.
Save yourself the heartache. Leave him.